You saw me
by the-real-m3
Summary: Spencer recognizes Ashley from her past, but wishes she didn't. Why? And why does Ashley not recognize her? hat are the reasons for the burning hatred Spencer has? Really bad at summaries, try it if you have time.
1. Chapter 1

Hey yeah... As you can see this is really short but it's only the first chapter. I have a fewchapters of this storyalready written so I'll put up two more just so you can get the general idea. And don't worry about the length, it'll get longer later on.

Prologue

I stared into her empty eyes. The once beautiful sparkle that held her crystal blue eyes were gone, leaving only a dull replica of its former glory. I held my hand up to those eyes and the dull blue orbs immediately disappeared being replaced by an equally dull, dark brown eyes. The brown so dark it was almost black.

I took my eyes off the girl, knowing I'd be sick if I continued to look any longer. I rubbed my eyes, knowing I'd never get used to contacts, despite having, already, worn them for so long. I was tempted to look back and see if my eyes were puffy or blood shot, but decided against it.

I never could look in the mirror for too long.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay guys, here's the next chapter! Okay wait, I forgot to put a disclaimer the last chapter, so here it is.

Dislaimer: I don't own shit, except for Stan, and he's boring and annoying, so I kinda wish I didn't.

Chapter 2

*Spencer's P.O.V*

To most people high school is always the best years of their lives, too bad I'm not most people. Those years killed me, in more ways then one, though then again, I owe all my success as a producer and director to those years, through that experience. So, here I am, 26 years old, doing what I love to do with not a single person beside me. No friends. I decided long ago that friends were overrated. No family; well at least, none that I want around or want to be around me. I can't exactly say that people abandoned me, because in reality, there were never really there. They were just shadows, images. Well, moving on.

If you were to ask who Spencer Carlin was in the production industry, chances are, you'd get slapped in the face. I mean, not to be cocky or anything, just stating the truth. It's seriously happened before. Scary, I know. They're not kidding when they say that tortured artists make the best pieces. I mean, I would know, I'm one of them. I specialize in documentaries, but sometimes I do a short film or two and even the occasional music video, here and there. In fact, that's what I'm heading to go do today.

I don't know whose video it is, or what song it's for or even what the song is about. I kind of, tuned out on what music's popular and bull like that a long time ago. I stopped caring about a lot of things then. Frankly, I just hope to God that it isn't some bull crap pop diva singing about a broken heart, when, it's obvious she's the real heartbreaker. I mean why is it that people write about shit, that they've never experienced or felt? How seriously can you take a girl, who's singing about her dead lover, when chances are the closest thing she's had to a dead lover, is a drunken boyfriend passed out on the floor? Let's face the truth, people are either liars or hypocrites or both.

So I walk out of my new 2009 Porsche Panamera, and head towards the studio. I open the door and see Stan standing there.

"Come on Carlin! You're late!"

As you can see Stan is my coworker and is probably the closest thing I have to a friend. Actually, he's my assistant and is in charge or keeping me sane and booking my jobs, like this one.

He leads me to the room, that has our, supposed "rising star" inside. He starts ranting on about how good she is and I just drone out, now even bothering to listen to him. Well, that is until, I open the door to reveal a familiar set or chocolate brown eyes, suddenly turn towards me. _Fuck_

Chapter 2

*Spencer's P.O.V*

I think I must have been staring for too long, because the next thing I know, she's walking towards me with her hand outstretched in front of her.

"Ashley Davies" she introduces herself.

I continue to stare at her wondering if it's the same girl I knew. Though, considering they have the same name, I know I'm not mistaken

"Spencer Carlin" I finally get out.

She eyes me for a moment, smiling, before walking away to where she was before. I see her talking to, yet again, another familiar face, a tall dark haired young man with green eyes.

I finally tear my gaze away from them before I start to panic.

'_Why the hell is she here?! Is she the new star? You've gotta be kidding me… Don't worry._ I start to try and reassure myself. _She won't recognize you. It's been a long time since then and you've changed a lot. _

I continue to debate with myself mentally, before a voice snaps me out of my state.

"Hello, earth to Spencer. Anybody there?" Stan waves his hand in my face.

I push his hand away "Yes, I'm here!" I say frustrated.

"Now let's get this thing started!" I say, and under my breath _'and hopefully over with'_.

I sigh, knowing this was going to be a long day.

I walk towards Ashley, noting the differences and changes having occurred over the years. Her once curly hair was now straight, while her bangs were pushed across her face and stood out, being dyed red. Her height matched mine and I start to wonder if I grew taller, since I'm sure I was always shorter then her. Her chocolate brown eyes were the same, as well as her sense of fashion. Her habit of ripping up brand name clothes was still there. Looking at her, I could immediately tell her intended target age group.

Then I looked at the guy that was next to her, remembering him. Aiden Dennison. He was the same as well, only he traded in his basketball gym uniform for a suit. His hair was now coiffed and gelled back, and he seemed even taller and more toned. '_And here I though it was impossible_' my thoughts dripping with sarcasm.

I sigh again, and look away form them. I knew that if I continued, it'd get worse, but I know now that it's too late. I could feel myself burning. I could feel the heat rise from within me and I would feel my heart burning. Burning with a hatred for her, him and everyone else from that point of my life.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

*Ashley's P.O.V*

I came today to film my first ever music video. I've been to recordings before with my dad's videos, but now I finally get to shoot my own video.

I just met the person who's supposed to direct the video, Spencer Carlin. From what I hear she's pretty famous, and that someone actually got slapped for not knowing who she was. Lucky me, I get to have an awesome director for my first video. Then again, I don't really know her that well, so her taste and mine could clash and I wouldn't know it yet. Though one thing I can say for sure, she's hot!! Her hair is almost a light brown, a dirty blonde you could say, looking at it again, I start to wonder if she was once fully blond. Her eyes however have a sense of strange familiarity. Her eyes are a dark brown, black, if you didn't look carefully, but what was really noticeable about them was the dull glaze it held.

Truthfully, her eyes scared me. I've felt someone, with the same sort of eyes, stare at me before, and I hated it. Though other then that, the woman was a vision. Long legs that seemed to go on for miles under a short business skirt. Judging by her looks she is probably our age. By "our", I mean Aiden and I. He's my manager and best friend since we were 11, when I bumped into him and started to pick a fight with him for knowing me over. When we got older we tried dating, and it even lasted for a while, but ended eventually. I never had the heart to tell him that I never loved him. I still don't.

I see the producer start talking to some of the crewmen and I occasionally feel her eyes on me. I turn around to face her and my suspicions are confirmed. I see her eyes on me, as our eyes lock. She makes no attempt to hide the fact that she was staring and would even have continued, but a man had started talking to her, tearing her eyes from mine.

My original plan was to hook up with her and hopefully have myself a good time. But now that I'm rethinking it, I decide not to. It's not that I think she's ugly or anything. I mean I told you before, she's hot, and it's not that I think she'll become my stalker or anything (it's happened before). It's just that, something about those eyes and the way she looks at me with her blank stare… It just bothers me. Besides, I don't think it'd be good publicity to sleep with the director of my music video when I'm just debuting, even more so when the director is incredibly well known and famous.

I see her heading towards me and I snap out of my daze.

"So, I'm here to discuss what you have planned for the video." she says not looking up from the clipboard in her hands.

I think about it for a second, but I know there's no need, because I already planned the video in my head a long time ago.

"I want it to show a girl walking in and out of bars. All that you see is her trying to drink her sorrows away, and finally she goes out walking one night, and she sees a memorial for a man." I pause for a second and gather my nerves again. I see her looking at me expectantly and I continue. "The old man is actually her father. You see that, through the entire video she's in complete denial about her father's death. When she starts to realize, she breaks down in the middle of the street, crying and not caring, even if the whole world saw her." my voice is quieter towards the end.

I look up to see her reaction and she appears to be thinking intensely. She finally snaps out of her daze and her face looks like she just planned out the entire video in her head.

"Okay, that's a good start" she nods then walks off.

My eyes continue to follow her as she walks away. For some reason, I get the feeling she doesn't like me too much, yet for some reason, I can't help but feel …interested in her.

We didn't really do much today. We mainly planned out and discussed what's going to be in the video and the angles it was going to be shot in. When we finally decided to call it a day, Spencer and Stan Olber started walking towards Aiden and me. I could tell that she didn't really want to go, but was probably going to save face. Stan was the first to initiate the conversation.

"Well, today went well, wouldn't you think?"

"Yeah, a little slow, but progressing." Aiden responded.

"Don't worry about that. We're just trying to get s feel for what the video should be like. After, is when we start casting and shooting." Stan replies

"The speed will pick up once we get it all sorted out, after that all you have to do is lay back and watch Spencer at work" He continues, a grin firmly planted on his face. She must be really good, because I've never really seen anyone have this much confidence before.

"That's good to hear, cause Ashley still has a lot to do for her debut, and I wouldn't want this to take too long…" Aiden talks on about what a busy schedule I have, but I just drone him out. Instead I look to the blond in front of me, who, like me hasn't said a word. Well, that's what I was doing, until I hear my name being called out.

"Well Ashley, what do you think?" Aiden turns to me and I have absolutely no clue what he just said.

"Wha- huh?" I respond, a confused expression painted on my face. Aiden just chuckles and repeats himself.

"I said, what do you think about celebrating with drinks after work, Stan and Spencer here, are going to show us a good club where no one will care about your famous status."

I think about it for a second, then turn to look in front of me. I see Spencer furrow her eyebrows and I know she doesn't really want to go but probably will, just out of courtesy."

"Um… I'm sorta tired, maybe another time." I reply weakly, looking down knowing that Aiden was probably looking surprised.

"C'mon Ash, it's not like you to miss a party. Besides, there'll probably be hot young women for us to hit on." He says the last part in a sing-songy voice, and wriggles his eyebrows, grinning. He knows it'll probably work.

I sigh and was about to look up, turn to him and start to argue before my action was interrupted.

"You're gay" I hear her say in a tone, as though she had just remembered the fact. She didn't sound surprised, in fact she said it like it was an obvious fact, which it was. I wonder if she didn't know.

I turn to look at her but I can't help but think about, how I can't read her face. Her eyes are slightly larger and her lips are parted. This is probably the most emotion I've seen in her face. Truthfully her new facial expression intrigues me.

Her face continued to stare at me and her face looks like she's reminiscing and remembering about something painful. I could feel the tenseness in the room and decode to be the one to break it.

"Uh… You didn't know?"

I'm actually genuinely surprised. When I came out to the public, a year ago, the media made such a big deal about it, that people in Norwegia would probably have known.

"Sorry, about the rude comment. She doesn't get out much." Stan points his thumb to Spencer.

"Besides Spencer, what does it matter? You're gay too." He continues, turning his body to Spencer.

Now, it's my turn to look somewhat surprised.

"No. That's not it" Her eyebrows are furrowing and she looks way. I feel a pang of pain in my chest. I don't know why, I mean, I'm used to people rejecting me because of my "sexual preference". Maybe it feels different because the person rejecting me, is gay herself. Ironic isn't it, very hypocritical.

I guess the pain must have showed on my face because I see Stan looking towards me with a concerned face.

"Hey, I'm really sorry about her. I thought she knew, and I'm sorry for her acting like an ass just now." He whispers to me, out of ear range from her.

"No it's okay. I'm used to this sort of treatment anyway." I say with an unconvincingly, fake smile on my face.

"Look, I'm going to head home for today" Spencer chimes in without turning to look at me. Instead she just starts to pack her stuff and walk away. I can't take my eyes off of her shrinking form, until I feel Aiden's hand on my shoulder.

"Well then, that wasn't awkward." his voice, dripping with sarcasm.

"Hey, again, I'm really sorry about that. I'd still like to take you guys out, if you still want to go." Stan looks at us with hope in his eyes.

"How about it Ask? Still feel like going home?" Aiden turns to me, the same hopeful look present in his eyes.

I sigh, for what seems like the tenth time today, and then turn to look to them.

"Sure, why not?" I actually want to go. With what just happened, I'm just looking forward to getting drunk off my ass and maybe finding a girl and fucking her brains out. I still can't figure out why I care so much.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys! This is another chapter! I'll try and post another one of my other stories soon, oh and if you haven't already, try checking out my other stories! Remember to review! Feel free to speak your mind, whether or not you hate it or love it!

Chapter 4

Spencer's P.O.V

Here I am being dragged against my will. Stan came up with some stupid idea to bring our new client to Dawning. It was the club that we frequently go to after work.

'_What? I may be a social recluse but it doesn't mean I can't unwind_.' I usually just go there to get a quick drink then slip my hand in some girl's pants or up her skirt.

'_Oh did I forget to mention? I'm gay, get over_ it'

So we walk towards them and I see Ashley eyeing me. I understand why, since the conversation was mainly between Aiden and Stan, and their choice of topic was quite disinteresting. I finally pay attention again when I hear Stan ask Aiden about going out. Ashley must have noticed the disinterest in my face because she declined the offer when Aiden asked her. I think it's foolish of her, especially when it's obvious, even to me, that she wants to go.

The shock in Aiden's face doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Even in highsc-

"C'mon Ash, it's not like you to miss a party. Besides, there'll probably be hot young women for us to hit on."

I freeze and stare at him, wondering if I just heard what he said, correctly, then I snap my head to her. 'What did he just…' Before I can continue my thoughts, I hear myself blurting out.

"You're gay" I say, then immediately start remembering my past.

I can't think. My chest is burning and I feel it again. I simply stare at her knowing my mouth is slightly gaping and my eyes, just a little wider then normal.

Memories start flooding my head now. They were the ones I always wanted to forget. The ones I never wanted to remember.

"…_Because only I see you…"_

"…_there's nothing wrong with you being…"_

"…_Why won't you accept it...?" _

"…_I don't know what you're talking about…"_

"…_Dyke! Dyke! Dyke..."_

"…_because you saw me…"_

"…_I love you, you know…"_

I snap out of my daze when someone finally breaks the silence.

"Uh... You didn't know?" Ashley says it as though it should be common sense.

I still can't move though. I'm still thinking, screaming in my head. I hear Stan say something but my mental screams drown him out. I hear him again and listen since he directs it towards me.

"Besides Spencer, what does it matter? You're gay too."

I think about what he says and I know that it has nothing to do with _me _being gay. I knew this was all about her. This was all about Ashley Davies being gay.

"No. That's not it" I turn away not wanting to look at her any longer. I furrow my eyebrows and see Stan whispering something to Ashley, probably apologizing for me. With the thousand thoughts running through my head, I decide I can't take being here anymore.

"Look, I'm going to head home for today" I say, not looking back. I quickly pick up my stuff and start walking towards the exit, but not before noting the pained expression painted on Ashley's face. It was a familiar expression, I'm sure I've worn it before.

I brush the thought away and fast walk towards my car. I open the door, climbing in and lean my forehead against the steering wheel. Frankly, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I found the situation all too ironic. I chuckle but notice my eyes watering. With all the will power in my body, I push back the upcoming tears. I'm not that strong, but I swore I'd never cry again, especially not for her.

I start the car knowing I'd need a long drive to absorb all that just happened. I'll probably get a drink but that's easier said then done, especially since that person I'm trying to avoid will probably be at the place I normally get a drink. I decide to skip the drinking and instead go to an old hangout of my mine, might as well, with all these '_blasts from the pasts_ I've been getting.

My drive takes my halfway across L.A, or at least that's what it felt like. I finally find my destination at a tall steep hill. I know that chances are this was once a make out point in the 70's and for whatever reason isn't being used anymore. I get out of my car and sit on the hood and stare at the sky. It's uncomfortable in the clothes that I'm wearing but I ignore it, at this point I really don't care.

I know that by the time that I come home it'll probably be 4 am and I'd have to get up only two hours later. I don't mind, all that really matters to me is escaping, even for just a little bit. Confronting things never really went well for me. In fact, it destroyed my life, or what I thought was my life. It was really only a shadow.

I close my eyes taking in the cool night air. A few hours pass and I head home. After clearing my head I just decide to ignore Ashley the best I can. Avoidance was my plan. But avoiding someone who haunts you at night and, now, works with you during the day is a harder task then it seems.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey guys! I'm so happy about the positive feedback!! In return, I'm here to give you another chapter!! Enjoy! And remember to speak your mind about what you think!

Chapter 5

*Ashley's P.O.V*

'_Ugh. I feel sick. I think I'm gonna throw up.'_

My thoughts are disrupted as I run into the washroom kneeling over the toilet, puking out whatever it was I ate last night. I'm spending the entire morning bent over the toilet puking , with an earth shattering headache.

'_I must admit though, last night was fun._'

It really was, I mean, I don't even remember half of it and I know it was fun. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be having a hangover or kicking out some random blond chick from my bed.

What really annoys me though is the fact that, despite the night of fun I just had I still can't get my mind off of Spencer. It's making my head throb and it makes my want to scream, but since I know that'll make my headache even worse, I'll refrain.

"Ashley, come get up!" Aiden screams into my room

And I accent the word "scream".

"You don't have to yell… I'm right here" I say in a quiet whisper, trying to stop the ringing in my head.

"It doesn't matter that you're right here, when we're supposed to be there." His voice is a little quieter now.

I was surprised that he wasn't as bad as I am. In fact, normally he's the one wasted beyond repair. It's a good thing he wasn't though. A drunk Aiden isn't really a pleasant Aiden. He's the type of drunk that would pick fights with innocent and random passerbies. I remember lost of cases in high school where his drunken stature got us into a lot of trouble. And I do mean a _lot._

I can't say that I was proud of the way we acted in high school. In fact, we did a lot of stupid things we probably didn't mean. '_I know I did_…' But what can you expect form the popular people at school. They're never squeaky clean, no matter what they use to try and hide it. In my case I used money…and a mask.

I try to take my mind off the depressing subject; it wasn't that hard considering my focus was on trying to find painkillers for my headache.

I dress myself and head downstairs to see Aiden talking cheekily to the blond girl. It makes sense since she was supposedly straight '_Not last night, when she was screaming my name. They're always straight, until they're not'_

I walk into the room, clearing my throat. I see her freeze and her face looks like she's a four year old, caught with her hand in a cookie jar. I laugh in my head.

"Uh. Um. I should go." The blond says in a hurry. My eyes follow her as she quickly walks past me but stops suddenly, turning to face me.

"Um….Last night was…" She starts off.

"Last night? What happened last night?" I fake innocence just to spare her, hoping she'd get the clue.

"You know… with the touching" her voice goes quiet towards the end and I roll my eyes, thinking about what an idiot she is.

"I don't know what you're talking about? I would never sleep with a straight girl. I continue the façade and hint again, hoping she'd get it and leave.

"But that's the thing. I am straight, and last night was…"

'_Oh God'_ I really can't believe her stupidity. I can't take it anymore.

"Okay look, '_nothing_' happened last night, so get your ass outta here before I kick you out!"

She stares at me wide eyed and she finally gets it. She scurries off and hurriedly closes the door behind her. I see Aiden looking at me incredulously. I'm not really a morning person, but screaming was never my thing.

"Whoa Ash, what was that? She not perform good enough for you or something?"

I scoff at his way of thinking '_Ugh men_'

"No Aid, it has nothing to do with that." I say in annoyance as I walk on over to the fridge.

"Oh. So she is good." He stands there grinning with a far off gaze in his eyes.

I throw an empty carton at him.

"Hey! C'mon Ash, what's up with you?!" He's irritated now as small drops of chocolate milk stain his suit.

"Nothing. Now let's just go!" If he's annoyed, I'm even more annoyed. I know what the hell's wrong, but I don't know why, and it's pissing the hell outta me.

Luckily, by the time we get to the studio my hangover is almost gone. Turns out that the director wasn't there yet, so it didn't really matter that we were late.

'_What a waste of time.'_

I'm seriously pissed now. I just spent my entire morning bent over a toilet, nursing my hangover, arguing with some retarded chick and to top it off, when I finally arrive, they tell me that I don' even have to be here yet!

I stomp over to my dressing room, not bothering to hide my anger or frustrations. Stan is running all over the place trying to get a hold of Spencer.

'I swear what is up with that woman?!'

I scowl at the thought of the blond that has recently been plaguing my mind.

'I still don't get why she acted like that. I mean, she doesn't even know me.'

My thoughts are continued until everything starts to become blurry and I doze off.

"Ashley! Ashley wake up!" I rub my groggy eyes and see a blurry Aiden standing in front of me, shaking my shoulders.

"C'mon, the directors here, and we're about to start." I shakily get up and yawn as I follow Aiden outside the room.

When we finally get on set, I see Spencer looking even more tired then I am. I stare at her form afar as she continues to direct crewmen into their way. I was about to turn away but freeze when our eyes lock. We stare into each other's eyes for what seems like forever until I finally break contact and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I wait for a bit, just standing there, not really knowing what to do. I look her way again and take another note of her fatigued figure. Hey eyes have large bags underneath them as she sips the coffee in her hand. She's wearing a different set of business clothes, but it doesn't look like she's had a chance to shower since I last saw her.

I look away again when I notice Stan coming towards me.

"So, how was your night? You left with a pretty blond, and I'm sure she didn't go with you to just have a friendly sleepover." He grins

It wasn't until he says this, that yesterday's events come flooding back to me. I had completely forgotten what Spencer had done, for a second. I can't believe I forgot about my annoyance with Spencer, I'm sure it was there a few minutes ago.

"Uh- it was fine, thanks for taking me out." I lie, not wanting to tell him that the hook up was a total disaster.

"That's good to know, cause I'm still irky for what happened yesterday."

'_Irky? Is that even a word?'_

I pry my thoughts away from rude comments

'_In my defense, I swear he's gay._'

"Yeah, no, it's fine. She was probably just shocked, that's all. Not many people in holly wood are willing to come out." I say, trying to convince myself more then him.

I'm incredibly surprised at myself though. Normally I wouldn't take that sort of crap from anyone. Depending on the person, I'd either ignore them or spaz at them. Normally I'd even hit those trying to defend them, i.e Stan. Instead, I was actually hurt by the way she reacted.

She really is getting on my nerves. The more I try to ignore her, the more I end up thinking about her.

"Good, cause I was scared that you were offended by that." He breathes a sigh of relief.

I was.

"Of course not." I give my best fake chuckle and smile that I had been perfecting for years, even before being famous. I was peeved, not by the fact that she completely brushed me off, but for the fact that I was hurt because of it.

We continued our conversation as we hear Spencer's voice call out Stan's name. I twist my head to see Spencer waiting for Stan, and I can't help but stare. They engage in conversation, talking about boom mikes or something.

It's then that I realize that all the traces or anger and annoyance I feel towards her disappear when I'm near her or actually see her. I feel like I could watch her all day. _'But I mean, I've only known her for a day and a half, and I've barely said two words to her.'_

I frown at the mixed messages that my head were giving me.

I can only sigh and think about the long day ahead of me.

Before long, okay no that's a lie, after long, a long time after long, we finally called it a day. I'm now leaving the building twice as angry as I came. I take back what I said before. My anger doesn't disappear around Spencer, instead it hides and manifests itself, and when she leaves it explodes in my face. Each time I saw her, she looked away. Each time I tried to talk to her, she brushed me off. Every time I got near her, she would move and leave, or take a few steps away from me.

'_Argh!! What the hell is her problem?!!" _I'm seething now.

'_I mean, why the hell is she avoiding me when she's gay too?!! Seriously, have you ever heard of a homophobic homosexual?!! No! Why?! Because they don't exist! People like that don't exist because they would rather deny who they are for the rest of their lives then live accepting who they are._'

I start mumbling profanities under my breath and flailing my arms every so often, adding dramatic affect to my mental rant. I reach my car when I come up with another horrible realization. I have another three weeks of this.

**1 week later**

'_I swear I'm gonna go crazy!!'_

I grind my teeth.

'_We've had just about a thousand retake shots, and since Spencer pretty much refuses to communicate to me, I can't fucking understand what the hell she wants me to do or change!!!'_

So here I am, on my billionth retake shot trying my hardest to _guess_, that's right _guess,_ how she wants the shot to be taken. '_Where the hell is the genius at work huh?!'_

I'm listening to the music, when I hear my cue I start to mouth the words but I only get out two lines before I hear-

"CUT!"

'_Dammit!_'

"Okay, let's take ten people!" she yells over groaning voices.

I sigh and keep my balled up fists at the side of my body, doubting on whether or not I had enough self control from keeping myself from punching her. I try to release all my anger and pressure into a long and exasperated sigh. It didn't work.

I get off the set and my eyes follow her. Aiden comes up to me and starts talking but I'm not listening. Instead I just start walking up to her and try, keyword try, to be civil. If she wasn't going to just tell me what's wrong, I was going to ask her. Pathetic, I know. But at this point, I'm running out of options and I really don't want to drag this out longer then it has to.

I'm behind her now, and I tap her on the shoulder. Her face looks surprised and she back off, walking back a few steps. I take another step towards her and she sees fit to take two steps back. I do it again, but this time she's turning now, looking as though she was going to run or walk away. So that's when I snap.

"Look, what the hell is your problem?!" I yell at her and the studio grows quiet.

"Excuse me?!" She turns around now to look my. She seems like she's offended and slightly shocked by me yelling. Truthfully, so am I.

"You heard me! What, is there something wrong with me being gay?!" I let out, not bothering to control my volume.

It's het turn to snap, but her angry face somewhat, turned into a slightly sad expression. Her soft glare staring intently at me before she quickly responds "That's funny; I remember saying the same thing." Her voice is quiet and I can tell it's directed only to me.

I look at her confused, not knowing what to make of her words. I see that as soon as the words leave her mouth immediately regrets them.

"What?" I continue to look at her.

"Nothing, just forget it." Hey eyes are on the ground before she turns around and quickly starts to walk off. I see her scurry off again. It's all I ever see her do. '_Run' _

I do nothing but gawk at where she once stood .Her words ring through my mind and I suddenly feel uncomfortable.

'What did she mean by that'

Stan comes running to me.

"What happened? Did Spencer do something again?"

I stay silent for a bit until I find the ability to speak again.

"Um…No, she didn't do anything. It was me, sorry."

I don't look at him in the eye, and instead continue to stare at the spot she once was. I couldn't help but think about how sad her eyes looked when she said it. Her glare was so soft and so empty.

I finally face Stan, only to realize that he has been talking to me.

"…at happened"

Was all I caught.

"What?" I inquire

"I said, are you gonna tell me what happened?"

I think about it for a second but I know there's no point.

"Um… No, sorry. Listen, I don't think she's coming back for the day, so I'm just gonna head home."

I leave his stammering figure behind and before I know it I'm running into the parking lot, looking frantically if she's there. I mentally hit myself for the stupid idea.

'_Of course she won't be here anymore._' I think to myself obviously.

I don't even know what I'm doing here. I don't even know why I attempted to chase her, when it's obvious that she wants nothing to do with me. I don't even know why I care, even though I'm mad at her for acting like she knows me.

I decide to do what she does best. I run. I stop trying to catch her to figure out her problem and instead I'll just run. I get in my car and step on it.

'_I won't fall into her trap'_ If she's gonna run, I'm not gonna chase her.


	6. Chapter 6

Hey guys! Here's another chapter! The next one is really long and it'ssplit up into parts, so I'm not really sure yet how I'll approach that but...

Anyways, I'm really sorry if I don't persinally comment on each of the reviews, but I wish it doesn't discourage you. The only reason for that is because I don't have much time on the computer so... I would still be ecstatic if people would comment!!!!

Thank you for all the reviews, and hope you enjor the chapter!

Chapter 6

*Spencer's P.O.V*

I've been working hard to avoid Ashley all week and it's actually going well. But the filming, however, is not. We must have taken thousands of shots of the same just cause she can't get it right. I know, I know. It's actually my fault but I can't help but try and steer clear of her.

I haven't been getting any sleep and it's really taking a toll on me. Sometimes I'll just spurt things and embarrass myself. Most of the time I'll just get really cranky and take it out on those around me.

I actually feel sorry for Ashley as I see her sigh after I yell cut for what seems to be the millionth time. She actually is trying her best, I can see that much. I can actually see her guessing what it is that she's doing wrong.

I just really want her to unwind. In the video, she doesn't play the girl whose father is dead. She's just the singer. However, her expression makes us believe that, and it's really taking a lot of focus away from the girl, and the story behind the song. I need her to look distant, and yet familiar.

Unfortunately I can't bring myself to tell her this. I know I'm a coward, but like I said, confrontation doesn't go well with me.

I decide to try the shot one more time before I decide to take a break, but it isn't long before I yell "CUT!"

I call a break and walk off to get more coffee. I hear the groaning filling the air and know that people must really hate me right no, but I ignore them and go about on my way. That is until I feel a tap on my shoulder.

I turn around and I'm shocked to see Ashley look at me with a determined gaze in her eyes. I instinctually take a few steps back. She proceeds by taking another step towards me, and I take another two steps back. She does it again and this time I turn on my heel and settle on doing what I do best. Run.

Well, I was about to when, mid stride I suddenly hear her call out.

"Look, what the hell is your problem?!" She screams out.

'_What? Please don't tell me she plans to do this now_.'

"Excuse me?" My tone comes out harsher then I wanted, I'm still surprised by her yelling.

"You heard me! What, is there something wrong with me being gay?!"

My eyes snap in a soft glare. '_She did not just_…'

"That's funny; I remember saying the same thing." I say in a quiet voice before I realize what I actually just said.

'_Shit! Don't tell me I said that out loud!_'

"What?" her voice seems really confused and it reflects her face.

I can't do this. I can't take it anymore. I'm so scared that if I'm here any longer I'll break out in tears. I'm not strong, I never said I was. Just broken, and that's why I run.

"Nothing, just forget it." I turn around to leave.

'Dammit!' How many times do I have to do this before I put her behind me? Why can't I leave her behind? Why can't I get over what happened? Why do my defenses break each time I'm with her? Why, when I've worked so heard to build them up?

If she doesn't remember then why don't I just leave it at that? Why do I have to keep blurting things out, for her to figure out? Why do I keep torturing myself?

I know why. I want her to know. I want her to remember what she did to me, and I want her to regret doing it. I want to see her go through just a little bit of despair. I don't want to see her living her life so carefree, knowing that she ruined mine. Yet here I am, making her career even better.

Yet I couldn't bear to do otherwise. I wouldn't be able to sabotage her or hurt her in any way. No matter how much I want to see her in pain, I would never hurt her, because I can't.

I had already gotten on my way home and I'm almost there. I push Ashley to the back of my mind, and I remember that I need more coffee. I can't bear to sleep, not now. If I did, I know that she would be there like she is every single time, like she's been for so long.

That's just another thing I don't know. Why she appears on my dreams is beyond me. But she's been haunting my dreams even before I actually met her. 'Strange isn't it? It's pretty unbelievable and farfetched but at one point I actually thought that, she and I, we would…'

Anyway, I'm home now. I enter my condo before walking into my kitchen. I drink about four cups of coffee before I turn off my phone, tired of hearing Stan leave messages about what happened. I knew that sleep would overtake me soon despite the large quantity of caffeine I just drank, so I walk over to my bed, knowing I'd rather pass out there. My assumptions were right because before I know it everything turns dark.

_I can tell you right now that I'm in a dream. How? Because Ashley's here, and not only that, but because she's here wrapping me tightly against her chest, in a soft and comfortable bed. _

_She looks heavenly. Her looks in my dreams have been updated to her current ones. She looks different from my older dreams of her but she still looks just as beautiful. Her soft gaze and her warmth is still the still the same as before, if not warmer._

_I snuggle my face into the crook of her neck, as she kisses my temple. I know that by the end of this dream, I'll probably be convinced that this is all real. I'll probably think that she's really holding me in her arms. That's why I hate falling asleep sometimes. I hate waking up to find that I'm actually alone. I hate the realization that my only chance at happiness resides in a dream. But at the same time, I can't help but relish each and every moment of the dream. I can't help but hold her back, tightly against my body, never wanting to let go. _

_I loosen my hold on her and look her in the eye. A smile immediately grows on both our faces, and she leans in to kiss me. Her lips are so soft. It began as a tiny peck but turned into a small make out session, but never more. It never went past that. After our session, she kisses the hollow of my throat and I shiver under her touch. It's her turn to bury her face into my neck, as half of her body lies on top of mine. _

_I feel her smile against my skin and I wrap my arm loosely around her. She turns her body and I spoon her. I prop my self up to see her face and she a large smile on. It's her nose crinkling smile and I can't help but think about how much I love that smile. All I can feel is happiness welling up inside of me. Happiness that she's here beside me, happiness that we're here together in each others arms, without a care in the world._

RING! RING! RING!

I look around frantically and again, for the millionth time, wake up to find an empty bed. I hold my knees to my chest and I put my head in between. I hate these moments; I hate the moments that I feel weak and vulnerable, the moments that I feel like crying and screaming. So I do it mentally. It's one of my morning rituals; I crawl up in a fetal position and stay like that for a few minutes screaming in my head. When I finish, I get up to do the rest of my routine. I go into the shower and wash everything away. I wash the sin and despair I feel rising up. I shed all the anger in me and return the apathy into my eyes. I want out of the shower and brush my teeth, after I replace my well worn contacts. As part of my ritual, I rub my eyes and I look briefly in the mirror heading out the door.

I let my hand linger on the car door, I'm rethinking on whether or not I should go. The thought quickly enters my brain

'_What if she found out?_'

Panic quickly fills within me, and I try to remember back to what happened when I blurted it out. I remember the surprised look on her face and I hope to God that she doesn't remember. I may secretly wish that she knew, but not like this. I don't want her to find out because of me. I don't want to be the reason that she remembers.

'_I need to know_.' I get into my car and I slam the door shut. I floor it, hoping that she didn't ditch or bail cause of my recent behavior.

I make it to the studio in record time and I actually run inside. '_I need to see her. I need to know_.' Was the only thought running through my head. I feel my blood pumping and I almost break the door down when I storm in. I'm panting and everyone stares at me wide eyed.

I look around, ignoring everyone's stares of wonder or curiosity. I scan the room again and see that she's not there. I furrow my eyebrows. 'What if she's not here because she's figures out?'

Stan runs up to me.

"Spencer? What the hell was that? You've been acting weird all week. What happened yesterday, you stormed off in the middle of the shoot?!"

My eyes look beyond him, still trying to locate her.

"Where is she?" I say quietly, my eyes never looking at him.

"Uh… What?" He must be confused.

"Where. Is. She?" My voice not any louder, but my tone somewhat threatening,

"Uh. She's in her dressing room." He stammers out, backing away. Thankfully he understood who I meant.

I run past him and make my way to her room and do a repeat performance of storming, causing a loud sound as the door slams shut behind me.

She jumps up from the couch she was sleeping on and her eyes start blinking frantically trying to find the location of the large noise.

"Wha-… Huh?... wh…" She says in her sleepy stature.

I stare at her wide as she still half asleep. She rubs her eyes and she's almost fully awake, if she wasn't before she is now when she realizes it's me in the room.

It's only now that I realize how exhausted I am. My hands find their way to me knees and I hunch over trying to stable my breathing. I can feel my heart pounding in my ears, my eyes still lingering on hers.

She's looking at me now, staring at me confused and intently.

"Um… what are you doing here?" She asks, looking at my panting form.

It's my turn to stammer, as I try to find the words to say.

"Um…uh…yest….and….back….th-…." I see her with an amused look on her face, she looks at me trying to form words between each pant. But when she finally realizes what she's doing, her face falls.

"What are you talking about?" Her voice cold and indifferent.

I look at her again, studying her face, looking for any indication on whether or not she knows. We stay like this for a few minutes and I'm surprised that she hasn't said a word.

'_She doesn't look different. She doesn't look like she knows_.' I let out a long exasperated sigh of relief, thanking God that she doesn't know. I think about what I should do next. Thinking desperately of an action that would save me and excuse me stupid and unexplainable actions.

"Um- Uh… Nothing." Failed attempt. I wrinkle my eyebrows towards the ground when I realize how stupid I must look.

For a second, I think that I hear her chuckle but it quickly goes away as fact as it came. I don't want to admit it, but that second felt like music to my ears. I look at her again and she has the same amused face as before. I feel my shoulders loosen a bit.

"So, you just decided to storm in here, waking me up in the process, and act like a stammering idiot, all for 'nothing'." A smirk is evident on her face

'Well, when she puts it like that.'

I think about how stupid my actions sounded just now, but I can only say "Yeah."

"Well, okay then." She says sarcastically, rolling her eyes. It's been almost ten years and she still gets me with that eye roll.

She immediately realizes the smirk on her face and clears her throat.

"Well, since you're here, let's get back to work."

I can only nod stupidly and follow her out the door.

'_I really can't do this anymore. One more outburst like that and…_' I finally decide to not run away from her. But, I wasn't going to confront her either. Instead, I'm going to keep it as a coworker relationship, talking to her only when necessary.

It seemed work so far. We finally got past that annoying shot when I explained to her what I wanted from her. She looked amazingly shocked that I was even talking her. I'm not surprised, I mean, I did ignore her for a week, after all.

Work finally became stable and we are halfway through our second week. I ignored Stan's banters on why I've been acting so strange. Instead, I focused on making this end.

It seems the feeling was mutual because Ashley seemed very cooperative. The crew finally let out their breath, thanking God that whatever was between us was over and that the shoot was finally getting somewhere.

We're about to wrap up our last shoot before the crew can finally take a rest. After this, all that's left is the video editing. That's all me.

I finally yell cut to the last scene and we're done!! This means that I don't have to see her anymore. I can't help but feel happy yet sad at the same time.

So, I'm talking to Aiden now. This is the first time we've actually talked by ourselves and I see the ways he's changes and the ways he hasn't.

"So Spencer, if the gay thing doesn't work out for you, you have my number." He hands me his business card and I gag inside.

"Do you say that to every gay girl you meet?" I play along.

"Just the ones that are hot." He grins smugly and winks at me.

'_Eww_'

I didn't like him in high school, and I don't like him now.

"Sorry, but that's alright. I'm happy with my current lifestyle." I give him a smile.

He shakes his head, chuckling.

"Geez, that's the same thing that Ashley said to me when I asked her out again."

This peaked my interest. '_What? Chances are I'm not going to see her again after today, so what's the harm in knowing a thing or two?_'

"What do you mean?" I ask nonchalantly, not wanting to sound too interested.

"Well, you see, when Ashley turned gay-"

'_You don't 'turn' gay dumbass_.'

"-everyone was shocked. We all thought she'd gone crazy after her breakdown."

"Breakdown?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Yeah, well a little bit before she came out, she had this breakdown. She started becoming depressed and she would often scream and cry for no reason. Eventually, she went so far as to hurt herself. Finally, we took action and took her to the hospital to try and stop her from hurting herself, we didn't want her hurting herself anymore. We were recommended by the doctor to take her to a psychologist to figure out what caused the breakdown. She refused at first but finally gave in."

I see him sigh and furrow his eyebrows.

"So she went to a shrink about three times a week for about a month. She never told us what she talked about while she was there. But then…" I see his eyes glaze over and he sighs as he looks far off, trying to remember the past. "then she had another breakdown. She looked so dead and lifeless…"

There is a pause and a moment of silence between us.

"It didn't last long, and it stopped by itself. Though what we did find out though is that she's lost some memories."

"Memories?" I interrupted

"Yeah, apparently during the second breakdown she started suppressing some memories. 'The doctor said it was natural for people to want to block out some bad things that happens in your life, especially for her since she's been in the spotlight a lot. But I don't mind. After she started suppressing those memories she started getting better, and eventually she became her normal self."

In that instant it all made sense to me: the reason that she didn't remember me. It could be that she doesn't recognize me, but for some reason I don't think that that would be enough, especially considering how much I've already blurted out. I stare at him slightly gaping. I honestly don't know what to say.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know."

All he does is chuckle in disbelief.

"Wow. You sure are something else aren't you?"

My eyebrows crinkle in confusion.

"Well, to most people this is common knowledge. I mean I know it happened a while ago, but it's one of those things that really sticks to you, kinda like Britney shaving her head. And the media went ballistic, kept trying to figure out what it was that she was trying to suppress."

I'm now becoming more and more aware of my hermit-like lifestyle.

"What do you think it was?" I ask in a quiet whisper.

"Personally, I think I have a few ideas. But it's not like it matters since we'll probably never know. The doc says that we shouldn't push it since it might all come rushing back at her. I really wouldn't mind, but if there's any chance at all that she'll go back to hurting herself again, then I'd rather she never remember." He says sincerely.

"Besides, I like how Ash is right now. I mean, we even have the same tastes in women." He says smugly.

"Oh really, and what would that be?" I cock an eyebrow.

"Basic necessity is that they're hot."

'_Of course'_

"We also both prefer blonds-"

"Oh really." I reply jokingly.

"Yeah, but sorry I don't think Ash would go out with you."

I'm sure he sees the offended look on my face because he quickly adds a defense.

"Not that you're not hot or anything, cause you are. But Ashley always had this thing."

"Thing?" I'm really curious now.

"Yeah, for some reason she won't date anyone who doesn't have blue eyes. I realized it one day and decided to ask her about it but she kept dodging my questions, saying it was something I could never understand. I mean, I've seen her turn down girls so hot they make Ms America look bad, just cause their eyes aren't blue. So trust me when I say that it's not you, it's her." He jokingly scoffs in disbelief.

"Really?" Is all I can get out.

'_Why would she_…'

"Yeah, weird isn't she? But I don't care she's my best friend." He says proudly and genuinely and I'm starting to see him in a new light.

"Well, enough about Ashley. Let's talk about us." His smug grin firmly planted on his face.

I take back what I just said.

We continue to talk for a bit until Aiden excuses himself and our conversation ends. I look around the room and see Ashley's figure talking to Stan and a few crewmen laughing.

'_She doesn't remember'_ I just quietly keep my eyes on her and think about how she'll never know. She'll never see, see that it's me. I contemplate on the thought and I feel strange feelings overtake me. I don't like them so I try my best to ignore it.

Too bad it doesn't work. All of a sudden, cranky, moody, botchy, and avoidance Spencer is back. 'Why_? I don't know, don't ask me_.' I pretty much yelled at all the crewmen for talking and not doing anything knowing it was their break. I spazzed out at Stan for talking too much and pretty much vented on anyone that was within a two meter distance from me. '_Nice way to treat everyone on the last day on the job, I know._'

For some strange reason, I couldn't stop all these weird feelings of anger from coming out.'

I'm lost in my confusion as I walk and bump into someone, hard. I fall back to the floor. "Hey watch where you're-" Mid sentence I realize my contacts have fallen off my eyes and onto the floor. I put my hands out and feel the floor, frantically searching for them.

"Excuse me?!" I hear a familiar and angry voice from the person who just pushed me. Shit.

She's standing up now and I feel her tower over me as my back is turned to her. I'm still on my knees looking for my contacts. '_Damn my fart-sightedness_.' I hated people seeing me without my contacts, it made me feel naked and…

"Look, I don't know why you're acting all bitchy again, when a while ago you were just fine, but don't take it out on me!" Her voice dripping with venom and she does the worst thing possible.

She grabs my shoulders and turns me around, forcing me to face her… our eyes meet.

Stares in confusion at the strange change in my eye colour and she looks so lost. My hearts thumping hard and I would be surprised if she doesn't it hear it. I don't really know why, but her stare is causing my skin to crawl. And to add to the moment, her eyes grow wide in shock…it was the one thing I wanted to avoid…realization.

Her lips move but no sound comes out from it. She just stares at me now, her eyes going frantic as she scans my body. Then her eyes look like they're sick of my body then move everywhere but. We lock eyes again and I see fear.

She's slowly moving back now. I'm frozen; I can't bring myself to move my body.

Suddenly, she just turns around and runs and she's out the door before I could even say her name. I can feel everyone's eyes on where she was and without thinking, I follow her.

I get out to the parking lot in time to see her car zoom past me. I quickly get into mine. The only thought running into my head '_She knows_.'

I get it now; I know what those feelings were. Regret. I wanted her to know, and this was the last chance she'd ever have to find out. But what do I do now that she does know? All I know is that I have to talk to her. I have to confront her. I have to confront my past.

-------------

Sooo? What'd you think?


	7. Chapter 7

As you can see... this chapter is VERY INSANELY LONG. In fact, it's so long that I originally cut it into parts, but since I'm too lazy to split it up for this site, I just put it all into one. But if you find that it's way too long, I put up the parts where it splits up between the chapter. If you want, you can just stop at those parts then read again later if you wish. I know it's long, I mean, come on, I'm the one who wrote it. Soo, yeah. I also wanted to inform you guys that, after this chapter, I only have one more written so you have to wait a bit longer in between the next few chapters.

Also, please comment! I loved the comments that you gave me from the last ones!! Thank you guys!!

Chapter 7

*Spencer's P.O.V*

I'm in my car attempting to chase her down. It's not really going well. I may have a kick ass car but my driving skills leave for something to be desired. Nevertheless, I'm still catching up on her. I gun the engine but immediately cut the breaks when some asshole cuts me off. I have half a mind to scream at him but instead face the matters at hand.

I really need to see her. I need to talk to her. What happened was over almost ten years ago and I really need to get over it.

'_What happened that was so bad, you ask? Well I'll tell you._' It really isn't a very pleasant story for me to tell, but I know I have to face it eventually.

High school for me wasn't exactly welcoming, but you know that much. It was hard for a lot of people to go to high school. It's harder when you're the four eyed freak going to high school. But personally, I think it's hardest when you're the four eyed dyke going to high school. It's a long nick name I know, but that's what they all called me.

But I shouldn't get into that yet. Really, it all started before high school even began, it was when my dreams of Ashley started.

At first I thought it was just some random, one time thing to be dreaming about a girl you've never met, but the dreams continued and I began to realize otherwise. I was 14 years old when they began, my short bowl cut hair ran low, only past my ears. I had the biggest bottle coke glasses and they were so thick you could barely see my eyes through them. It's not like it really matters anyways since my long straight bangs hung over my glasses, limiting my vision. I was short at 5' and was slightly chubby and very unfit.

I didn't wear makeup and I hardly do now. But it's clear to say that I looked very different from what I look today. My looks were one of the reasons that I was so confused about my dreams. I had very low self esteem issues and I couldn't comprehend why a beautiful girl, my age, would be in my dream smiling and talking to me. That's how it began, just smiling and talking, then soon holding hands and as the years went on the dreams progressed.

Though at fourteen, I was very content to be dreaming about the most gorgeous girl I'd ever met. Well, not met, not yet at least.

I had already known by then that I was gay but I wouldn't tell anyone. I was a big loner in contrast to me two big brothers who were popular in their own little cliques. I knew how my parents would react if I ever told the,. Simply put, they'd freak. So I just kept my little dreams to myself and never told a soul, even today.

But you can guess that I was shocked to be pulled out from my dream when I realized that the girl I'd been dreaming of, actually existed.

That was the first day of high school, the day I first saw Ashley Davies. I wouldn't actually "meet" her for a long while.

_------------------------Flashback------------------------_

'_Oh God. Oh god.' _I can feel my heart thumping in my chest_. I'm finally in _here. High school.

In understand that to most people high school isn't that big a deal, to them it just means being one year older. But I for one am psyched. I feel like I'm finally in the big leagues. I'm so excited to meet people who are just like me. It's a huge high school so maybe there are people who are like me. 'Maybe I can even find a love interest' I blush at the thought of such a thing.

I walk out of my brother's car and Glen and Clay quickly follow, unlike me however they don't stop to breathe to calmly take in the atmosphere. I take a deep breathe and look around me, and my new environment. I look down at myself and I feel good. My hair is still the same cut that I've had pretty much half my life, now it's past my shoulders and slightly lighter. My bangs still cover the front of my face with my bottle coke glasses still perched on top of my nose. I'm wearing a black hoodie and a band tee with faded blue jeans that flair out.

I take a deep breathe and start to walk on my way, happy to take the first step into the rest of my life.

I step out into the courtyard, grin happily planted on my face before I feel myself plummeting to the ground. I land on my wrists, skinning them in the process, and then I turn around to see the immense force that brought me down. I mean, I am no lightweight, let me tell you that.

When I do, I see a tall young man towering over me and I gape at him with fear.

"Hey! Watch where you're going freak!" He barks out.

I stare at him, mouth agape. If I had to say one thing about him, it is that he's gorgeous. His hair was short and messy but his large built seemed to compliment him green eyes. Though that wasn't the only reason that I'm staring at him, he towers well over me and his glare is unforgiving.

"Geez Aiden, let it go." I hear a slightly bored and annoyed voice come from behind a crowd that was backing him up. For some reason the voice instantly gave me shivers.

I see the girl push through the crowd and make her way up to him. 'She's…Oh my fucking…' I look, no not look, stare at the girl who appears to be my savior, especially since he looked quite close to knocking my lights out. All I can do is notice how distinctly similar she is to my dream girl.

"Leave her alone. She's probably just some freshman." She says and I can't seem to tear my eyes off of her.

"But Ash…" He starts t complaining

"Will you stop being such a loser and drop it!" She says in annoyance.

'Her voice is heavenly'

I'm still looking at her retreating figure as I continue to scan her features. It's her. It's really her. I don't dare take my eyes off her as her posse turns the corner, her in the lead.

'I can't believe it. She's not real She's not supposed to be real.' I feel my breathing become labored and my heart as it starts to pound out off my chest. I replay the events in my head and start to doubt whether it actually happened. Was I possibly dreaming? It couldn't have been real.

I finally pick my jaw up off the floor when I realize that people are now hurriedly shuffling past me to get to their respective classes.

My head is still going in circled and I manage to stumble a few times before getting to my homeroom class.

Since I'm a freshman, most of my classes are already chosen for me since I have a ton of courses I need to graduate. But I did have a chance to choose two of my classes, music and art. I plan on taking music all my high school life and I also plan to take up video production next year. Video production is something that has interested me for a while now and I can't help but feel excited for it. I don't think I'd ever have the guts to tell my mom that though. She'd kill me if she found out that I wanted to enter such a profession. So it's just one other thing that I keep to myself, I'm beginning to understand that there's a lot of things I keep to myself. But then again, considering there isn't anyone to tell, it would only make sense. Hopefully though, when I do take the class and they see that I have a talent in it, they'll start to understand a bit.

I walk in my first class of my high school life and it's math. Most people would groan and be annoyed, but I actually like math, not like science where you have to remember billions of terms. In math, there is a clear answer that can be found out, you just have to work your way through it. But don't get me wrong, despite what I look like I' not a nerd or anything, but I won't lie and say that I'm slightly smarter then your average homosapien.

The teacher is pretty nice, she seems warm and inviting, but that's to be expected since we are freshmen after all. I take a glance around the class and I see many kids that I've never seen before, thank God. This way, I'll have more opportunities to make friends.

After my next two classes, music and geography, I head off to lunch. Considering the fact that I'm still a loner, I don't really have anyone to sit with, so instead I go by the quad and sit at an empty round table.

The memories of this morning are still fresh in my head though, and now I'm thinking that maybe I'm going crazy or hallucinating.

'He called her Ash'

Maybe it's short for something. Ash…Asher….Ashley maybe? She looks exactly like the girl in my dream, my dream girl, lame name I know. But I don't think I could ever find a word in the English language that would do her justice. So, instead, I just stick with dream girl, easier that way. I get back to my thoughts of Ash.

'Maybe…' I'm blushing now and I really can't help it, can't help but think 'maybe…we're destined to be together' I can feel the heat rise to my cheeks at my preposterous and very embarrassing conclusion. It's stupid, I know, but how else could I be dreaming of a girl I've never actually met before, and she turns out to be real!

'She saved me this morning, so maybe I do have a chance.' I shake my head and let my face fall. What do I know? She's probably straight anyways. I look down and continue to eat my food, sullen expression still on my face.

I hear the clatter of food trays and I look to the source of the noise in the table next to mine. I see a group of people sit down and I've seen a few of them in my classes so I can guess they're freshmen like me.

"Hey, did you hear about that Ashley Davies girl?"

"Yeah, I heard they call her the heartbreaker."

"I thought that she was dating someone now."

"No she's not, but I did hear that she likes Aiden Dennison."

"Is it true that her father is Raife Davies, leader of Purple Venom?"

"Not only that, isn't she like, some scary rebel?"

"Apparently, she's been in lots of trouble before."

"I hear she's really cruel and bullies freshmen. Apparently, last year a girl killed herself because of her. I also heard that she's supposed to be in jail, but since she's still a minor, they let her go."

"Shhh! Here she comes"

I look in the direction that they're now looking at and I see that goddess that haunts my dreams, followed by a mass of people that I can only think to be her friends.

My jaw drops again as I see them make their way towards me. I let my gaze fall on the floor and I can't believe that my dream girl is, supposedly, such a horrible person.

My eyes are glued to the floor, suddenly finding my shoes very interesting, but I know that they're standing in front of me now. I'm actually scared to look up at the intimidating group but for the sake of it, do it anyway.

Now I'm really scared. There's about half a dozen or more people standing in front of me. I can't help but feel immensely small in their presence. Immediately, everyone's conversation comes to a halt, and I can feel the stares of almost everyone there on us.

"Aren't you the freak from this morning?" A tall man asks and I recognize him as the guy who knocked me over this morning. This time he was standing next to Ash and snarling at me.

Hola chicka. Since you're probably new here, let me fill you in, that table," she points to the one I'm on. "is ours" she says with attitude, and I do mean attitude.

I look to the girl who just talked. She's standing on Ashley's other side, opposite of the male, and she has thick brown curls and dark skin. I'm assuming from her accent and her first two words that she's Latino

I look to Ashley now, and she looks bored, not even bothering to stare at me and instead, has her arms crossed lazily and stands there waiting. I can't help but feel a pang of pain in my chest as the disappointment of the fact that my dream girl is the leader of a bunch of bitches, sets in.

"Hey! You four eyed freak! Didn't you hear her? Move it!" The male barks out again.

It did a good job into bringing me back into reality though. I quickly gather up the remainder of my food and walk off. I look back one I'm a few steps away and the chattering has continued, they're all sitting down now and my eyes find Ashley. She turns and our eyes meet, though not really since I'm sure she can't even see my eyes. I'm searching her face now, searching for any hint of regret, any hint of compassion, any hint that maybe, just maybe, she isn't as bad as people say. But I see nothing, nothing except her clear, empty eyes. Our staring contests lasts only a second or two before she breaks it and returns to what she was doing.

I take off, looking for a place to eat for the remainder of my lunch. I explore the school before I go behind a building that's partially abandoned. It's a pretty old building, but I guess they still use it since I see a bunch of music equipment through the window. It's obvious that it's used for music but it's not my music room. The instruments in there aren't even the instruments taught in this school.

I walk away from the building; I don't wanna get involved in such a place. I look around and see a tree in the abandoned courtyard and lean back on it. I take out my half eaten sandwich and continue to eat. I look up at the blue sky, ignoring the hot tears that are falling down my face.

I'm actually quite surprised that I held them back this long. In my opinioun, there's no point in holding back tears if you're alone, it'll only hurt more, so I continue to let them roll down my face. I take a sip of my pop and I feel the sweet mix with the salty.

I continue to look up at the sky all the while ignoring the aching pain in my chest. I don't care. What did I expect, anyways? She doesn't even know me, and it's obvious that I don't know her. I lean back against the tree and absorb myself into my thoughts.

--------------------------Flashback Ends--------------------------

That was the bittersweet memory of my first day of high school. Sweet, because I found out that my dream girl existed and bitter cause I found out she's a bitch.

But that was just the beginning. The rest of my day was just as unpleasant. In the rest of my classes, people recognized me as the girl from the quad, i.e. the "four eyed freak", who was disliked by the popular kids. Apparently, their way of thinking leads them to believe that if the popular kids don't like someone, they shouldn't either, and that's exactly what they did.

In just the first day of high school, I already received my first nickname, and not a good one at that. I was the four eyed freak. Others with glasses weren't offended by this, frankly they were just happy that it wasn't them being called that. I know there were others like me who also deserved the name four eyed freak, if anyone was to at all, but it's easy to see that it's one thing being _a_ four eyed freak, but another thing entirely being _the _four eyed freak.

I was called that for remainder of my high school life, that is until it evolved into four eyed dyke or something of the sort. They always kept changing it putting in the gay factor each time.

Chapter 7 (part b)

I must admit though, freshmen year wasn't all a bust. There was the day that I found out that Ashley Davies had a heart. I had already gotten over the "bitch" factor though and was moving on. I was already depressed after the first day because even then, I already knew that I was going to be a loner for the rest of my high school life. But I couldn't help but cheer up a bit each night after seeing my dream girl. She was always there to make me feel better and it made the disappointment easier to bear. I was actually, slightly, in denial, telling myself that Ashley was just a look alike or that she had some identical twin sister that she was split up with from birth, who had the total opposite personality of her, caring and loving.

Yet that day changed my opinion entirely. It was about half way through the first semester and I was already filling in my routine as a loner.

_-------------------------------------------------Flashback----------------------------------------------_

'_Ugh' what a terrible day. People have been picking on me all day like they usually do, but this time they thought it would be funny to pull off some physical pranks, including dump a bucket full of water on me, my only salvation is that it missed. But here I am walking to my lunch spot with a large orange stain on my shirt, from when someone "accidentally" spilled pop on me. I mean, seriously, even I think that's lame._

_What's even worse is that I found out the damn thing was recorded and sent to everyone's cell phone, including mine. I'm about to walk to my usual tree when all of a sudden I'm wet. I squeal out at the sudden water and turn to see the sprinklers on near my tree. 'Dammit!' Great! Now I can't even go to my tree anymore and have a quiet lunch. I sigh hopelessly and start to walk around looking for somewhere else to eat. I thank god that my food wasn't soaked and instead only the bottom on my jeans. _

_I walk by the old building and peer in through the window, I know it's the same one as before because I can see the same instruments, only this time they weren't where they were before. _

_I lean against the wall next to the window and set down my tray before I hear a noise from inside. I look inside the window, and there is Ashley Davies, my dream girl look- alike, locking the door from the inside._

_I stare at her as she sits down in a chair and picks up a guitar that was in the corner of the room. She takes her hand in her bag and pulls out a pencil and a few papers. I lean in to take a closer look and see a bunch of staff paper with notes and writing on them._

_It now clicks to me again that her father is a rock star and leader of Purple Venom, a rock band that even I know. She plays a few chords to get the feel for it. Then she starts to play around with the beat until she finally stops and leans down to pencil something in on the paper. She continues to do this until she has about a few lines._

_She plays through the chords and must say that it sounds good. She does it again and this time sings with it._

"_She's just a little girl_

_Living in someone else's world"_

_She stops and adjusts the sound in the chord._

"_She's scared and she knows_

_That they're all the same, friend or foe_

_Though she doesn't realize_

_That someone sees through her eyes"_

_Her melodic voice rings in my ears and I find myself taking her words to heart. She looks absolutely gorgeous, more so then any time I've ever seen her._

"_Some nights she cries herself to sleep._

_Just another girl who's in too deep_

_She doesn't see you or know you_

_Hell, she doesn't even know about you"_

_Her voice continues to echo in the empty room and her face is full of emotion. I don't know what it is though. It's simply indescribable. Her eyes are tightly closed as she sings out the next words._

"_But you saw her_

_And you know her_

_And you know her dreams of living_

_And you know that she's worth giving_

_You know all of her weaknesses_

_All her loves, essences and instances_

_All the times she's said she wants to die_

_But you know her, you know it's a lie_

_All the times she mutes her screams _

_When everyone else passes them off as dreams_

_You've seen her talk through her tears_

_It's the same way you see through her fears_

_Like each time when you pull her up from the shadows_

_You're only a step away, a single blink she knows_

_Cause just it's too sad to say_

_That you only exist when she lays_

_When her eyes close, consciousness drifts_

_Sad to say you only exist in that rift"_

_She stops abruptly and I know immediately that the song isn't done yet. I look over to her face and tears are falling down, staining her beautiful cheeks, but I can't say she looks any less beautiful. In fact, she looks absolutely stunning with the light hitting her from here. I admit that if I had a camera I would be filming this. I'm a stalker, I know. I feel my face and I amazingly just realize that I'm doing the same. The tears fall down my cheek to curl into my mouth, the salty taste of tears, how appropriate._

_She wipes her face and puts the guitar away before taking her notes and stuffing them into her bag. She unlocks the door, looking first if anybody was in the corridor, then leaves silently. _

_All I can do is stare at the spot that she once was. I can't help but replay the scene over and over again in my head. Who was she winging about? And why were there two girls in the song? But despite these unanswered questions, I feel good. Because for the first since high school started, despite the tears falling freely down my face, I feel genuinely happy. Why? Well, because maybe, just maybe, Ashley Davies might actually be my dream girl._

_I don't wipe off the tears on my face and instead let them fall down as I did before. I take out my lunch and start eating, knowing I feel a little bit better._

_------------------------------------------------Flashback End------------------------------------------_

That was a treasured day for me. I still vividly remember her face as the clear tears slid down her face. She was staring out into space and her chocolate brown eyes seemed so warm when they actually opened up. Hey mouth slid into a tight line when she wasn't singing and she lightly crinkled her eyebrows and seemed into deep thought as she strummed each note.

After that day I continued to eat my lunch there until half way of my junior year, when I wouldn't be eating lunch in high school at all. She would come almost every day. Sometimes just for a few minutes and rarely the entire period, those were the times that I couldn't help but feel my heart skip a beat. It was my pride and joy; the fact that I saw her, I saw the _real_ her.

It made life a little bit better, especially during the time that my nickname evolved. It was during the end of my freshmen year and only a little bit of time left before summer started. I was hoping to avoid trouble until then but unfortunately luck isn't on my side, it

rarely ever is.

Chapter 7 (part c)

By that time I was used to all sorts of taunts and treatments that they used against me. I was used to the skinned palms and bruised knees each time I was "accidentally" shoved to the floor. I was used to letting the tears fall down on my face while I held my knees tight against me during those lunches. I was already used to the feeling of wanting to scream but holding it back. So frankly, it didn't matter to me. I didn't care what they called me, but it didn't stop the fact that it hurt either. I wasn't as naïve as I once was but I certainly wasn't unbreakable either.

_--------------------------------------------------Flashback---------------------------------------------_

_Its soo hot! I can feel the scorching heat run down my entire body. I'm sweating more then a pig and the people around me are walking around practically naked and it's all cause of the blaze. Guys are sweating through their muscle tees while girls are walking around with shirts that cover next to nothing. Don't even get me started on their skirts. Those things just barely, "barely" cover their underwear. I can't exactly say that I'm complaining though, I mean come on let's face it, considering I'm gay, I'm a little happy about that fact. _

_I still can't help but blush at my own confession though. 'What? It's true." Anyways as you can see, it's hot to the point of melting and our school has no air conditioner. 'Cheap' To make it worse the people around me or more specifically, the girls around me, are adding to the heat, if you catch my drift. My damn perverted eyes, and I can't help but blush again, keep on following the ass of each hot girl wearing only enough to cover her privates. _

_Normally, most people would have already gone through this stupid and awkward stage of staring and gawking to the gender that attracts them. 'Except my brother.' But for some reason, puberty decided to skip me then come back a few years later. _

_So let me recap, here I am, at school, in the scorching heat of the California sun, baking, and pretty much secretly undressing each hot girl that passes me with my eyes. _

_I'm making my way to my history room, to the history room and my eyes fall on a certain brunette that's going in the same direction that I am. How do I know? Easy, that's cause I have the same class as her._

_From what I know, Ashley didn't take history her first year so she still needs the credit to graduate, so here she is, in a room of mainly freshmen and I know that I'm not the only one gawking at her. Unfortunately, other people had the same idea as Ashley and also decided to forego history on their first year and have to take it now, one of them being Aiden. Who? Well, Aiden is the jerk that decided to brand me and give me hell for my high school life. _

'_God I hate him.' Well, him and that Madison bitch, the other girl who decided to make high school a living hell for me. They're always the one that are teasing me the most. Though, the one thing that I have noticed is that Ashley is hardly ever around when they do, and when she is, she never participates in it. It makes me feel a little bit better, especially since I don't really want her to see me like that. Weak and hopeless I mean. It makes me feel a little better but just a little._

_I take my seat behind Ashley and Aiden who just walked in, takes his seat behind me. This was just one more reason for him to hate me. Since I'm in his way, he can't get to talk to Ashley. _

_The bell rings signaling for class to start and I lean my head down on the desk. History is boring is when you have my teacher. I yawn and hope I can take another nap before lunch starts. I sleep for a few minutes until I wake up to the sound of the teachers voice calling Ashley's name._

_I look up in front of me and 'Shit!'_

_Why is it that Ashley has to choose today to follow the popular trend? Right now she is wearing close to nothing and paper thin clothes. Her skirt is incredibly short only passing her underwear by a cm or two. Her shirt is almost see through and her lingerie is slightly noticeable from my angle. My eyes are following her perfectly sculpted but that is being hugged so well in her jean skirt as my head rolls off the table, trying to get a better view of her ass. _

_My body is halfway away from my desk as I continue to gaze at her figure and take in the movements she takes as she sashays up to the teacher. I don't really have a full head on right now and I'm sure I don't know what I'm getting into as I undress her with her with my piercing gaze. I feel like a pervert. Oh screw it, that's cause I am one. I'm a closet pervert and I admit it. Oh well, even if I do realize the full consequences of what I'm doing I'm sure I won't be able to stop it. _

_My eyes are popping out of my head with my jaw strictly on the floor and I can even feel my breath hitch._

_I do my best to make my staring discreet but I guess I'm not good enough cause next thing I hear is Aiden getting up from his seat._

"_Hey you freak! Where do you think you're looking at?!!" he yells out in anger and I turn behind me to see Aiden giving me the fiercest glare he can muster._

_I really can't speak right now, all the bloods rushing to my head between the two events that just took place. My heart is pounding a mile a minute and I know for a fact, without looking, that everyone in the room is staring at him and me. _

"_Aiden what the hell?!" That's Ashley's voice but Aiden seems to think it's okay to ignore it and continues to burn holes in me. _

"_Look you freak, I don't want you staring at my girlfriend!" He said as he slowly leans down on me and continues his burning gaze. I can smell the liquor on his breath and I wince away._

_I'm fuckin terrified. Why? I know the truth, I may be in a room full of people, but I sure as hell know that most of them won't do a thing if he decides to pounce me and beat me up. _

"_Girlfriend?! Aiden what the fuck is wrong with you?! I'm not your girlfriend!" Ashley yells out and pushes Aiden away from me. _

'_Thank God.'_

_Thank you so much for taking the attention away from me! Especially since that friggin retard pretty much blew my cover and outed me! _

_Aiden and Ashley are arguing but I don't hear a word they're saying cause all I hear is the sound of my heart beating and my stomach twisting. Panic is now setting in as I now realize that he outed me._

'_That damned drunken asshole!' Muted screams fill my head as I try and comprehend the situation._

_The possibilities start running through my head and I'm going crazy. What if Glen and Clay find out?! What if they tell mom and dad?! I'm pretty sure I'm pale but I know for sure that I'm shaking, I also know that Ashley and Aiden are yelling stuff out about their argument but I can barely hear it._

_I finally snap out of my daze and tune in to their argument._

"_For the last time, I am not your stinking girlfriend Aiden!" Ashley yells out._

"_Aw c'mon Ash, this again?" he yells out in frustration, he looks like he's having a hard time standing so he must be quite drunk but it doesn't look like he's drunk enough to slur his speech._

_A look of realization paints Ashley's face and she yells out._

"_What the fuck Aiden, are you drunk?!" she looks at him in disbelief._

"_I might have had a drink or two." _

"_Fuck Aiden, you know what you're like when you're drunk." She says in a quieter voice now. She sighs then grabs his arm and leads him out of the room but stops when she reaches the doorway._

"_Sorry bout this teach." She gestures towards the teacher before making a quick escape._

_The teacher, like us, is still frozen and is awe and shock at the events that just occurred._

"_Uh…Ashley D-" He stutters out before quickly giving up and sighing._

"_Let's just get back to class." He tells the class as they remain their original position, no doubt still shocked but trying their best to keep their composure. I, on the other hand remain frozen with my gaze still on the door for a few minutes before I decide it's wisest to pretend that it didn't faze me._

_I lay my head down on the desk again. I don't really expect to fall asleep after what just happened but I'll try anyway. _

_After history and as expected I didn't get any sleep, I try and make my way to my secret base hopefully avoiding the quad and places where large groups of people are. _

_Now that I'm here though I realize I should be freaking out, and so, my second panic attack begins. I mean what if that dolt tells everyone. _

'_Don't worry, he was drunk so no one'll believe him.' I calmly try and reassure myself. It's not really working though. _

_I'm taking the route around the quad, hopefully trying to avoid unwanted company. But apparently sicne God hates me and I have the worst luck on my side, I run into them anyway. Worst part is, I mean it literally. _

_I was so focused on looking behind me in case they were planning to sneak up on my, in my paranoid state, that I didn't look to the front as I tried to run through the halls only to run into Madison when I turned the corner. _

_That's where I am now, on the floor rubbing my aching butt and for the nth time this year, I'm fuckin surrounded by a group of people looking like they want to kick my ass._

'_Oh God why do you hate me?'_

_Madison is on the floor as well and from the look in her eyes, she looks like she wants to tear me a new one. Her friends help her up while I'm still on the floor lying on my skinned palms._

"_Hey you four eyed bitch! I heard what you fucking tried to do today. You gotta lot of nerve trying to check out my best friend you stinkin dyke!" _

'_Fuck, she said it.' I'll say it now, if people weren't watching before, they definitely are now._

_I do my usual face of looking like a fish with my jaw on the floor and my eyeballs as though they're about to pop out. It just comes to me now that I realize I've never actually talked to any of them. I usually just gawk and stare and let them do what they want until they walk off and I can get on with my life. I've never actually said a word. Normally that would be quite funny, if it were someone else that is. Unfortunately, it's me. _

_I slowly get to my feet and I start to regret it especially since they are now backing me up against a wall. _

_My back this the wall and my breath hitches. I see half a dozen people forming a semicircle around me ready to jump me. Other are coming but I'm pretty sure that they're just here to watch a rumble. There isn't going to be a rumble. More of a tumble actually, with me doing the tumbling. _

"_You goin to say something four eyed dyke?" she says in a low voice._

"…_.I…. uh" is all I can manage to get out since it feels as though I'm swallowing something the size of my tongue._

"_You little slut" She says before winding back her hand and back handing me across the face. I tumble to the floor and my glasses go flying down. 'See, told you it'd be a tumble.' I land on my palms and knees and my hands immediately start to feel for my glasses since I'm pretty much blind without them._

_I feel my glasses but they're suddenly kicked out of my hand. I hear a few snickers in the crowd and I wince, holding my pained hand to my chest. The tears are now taunting to come out but I try my best to hold them back, and then resume my search for my glasses, never once bothering to look up at them._

_I feel my glasses again and I pick it up quickly but instead of putting it on I hold it to my chest, clutching it tightly. I'm still on the floor, on my knees, holding tightly to my glasses as though they were the key to getting me out. _

_My eyes are shedding tears now but thankfully are hidden behind my thick bangs._

_I decide to take my chances and look up. Madison is still steaming and the crowd is egging her on, but out of the corner of my eye, I see her. She's standing in the back of the crowd, trying her best to avert her eyes, pretending as though there was nothing happening. _

_I clutch my chest, glasses still in hand. My tears fall harder now. I look her way again and she's desperately trying to pry her eyes away. I know she's hurting. I know she doesn't want this. I know that she's never participated in anything like this. I know, because I see her. I know because I can see through her lies. I know, but I admit, this fact doesn't make the pain go away, knowing she's still not doing anything. _

"_So you had enough yet Dyke?!" my eyes short back to Madison as the words leave her mouth._

_She walks closer to me and I don't attempt to move, afraid that it'll only make it worse. _

_I guess she's even more pissed that I'm not responding because she raises her foot and pushes my shoulder, forcing my to land on my back. _

_I wince horribly as I feel sharp pains shoot up my back. I can feel the rocks pierce me through my thin shirt. I lift myself up a little, leaning against the wall. She puts her mouth beside my ear, whispering in a threatening voice. _

"_Don't ever go near us again you dyke."_

_After that all I could feel was the blunt blow of her foot hitting against my stomach. I look up one last time to see Ashley, before everything goes black. A combination of emotions suddenly hit her face. Shock? Fear? Regret? I can't tell, I…_

_Ow! Fuck my gut hurts! I hold my head and try to steady myself as I get up. I look at where I was laying and see a bed. I look around the room to see myself in the nurse's office. Normally, most schools don't have such things, but considering this is L.A and the crime rates are high, I guess they decided it would be a good investment to have a place where injuries can be properly treated. _

_I feel the soft pillow that once held my head and decide to lay back down. I really should get up but the pain in my ribcage, palms and knees, are telling me otherwise. _

_I have never planned to be in a hate crime and yet here I am, nursing my bruises from one. _

_I get up again despite my condition screaming at me to do otherwise. I only take a a step or two before my legs decide to give in and I collapse on the floor. I feel my stomach in so much pain! I lift up my shirt to reveal a large bruise forming that stretches from the belly button to the top of my rib cage. Damn that girl can kick! It's now wonder, she is a cheerleader after all. _

_I clutch my stomach only to realize that my glasses aren't on. I look around me before finally turning to my bed. I see my glasses on the pillow next to the one I had laid my head on. I pick them up and put them on then snap my head to the door when I hear it opening._

_I see the nurse come in and walk up to me._

"_How are you? You took a pretty hard blow." She gets straight to the point but looks to me with a concerned expression. Is it even real? I mean, how do I know that she doesn't pull off that face to every nerd look-alike that comes in here with injuries? _

"_Yeah I'm fine, just a little bit of pain." Okay that's a lie, there's a lot of pain._

"_Oh don't worry, we can give you some painkillers for that." She heads to the cupboard and takes out a bottle, popping two pills out of it then handing them to me. _

_I gulp them down and I feel it painfully go down my dry throat._

"_Um. How did I get here?" I ask hesitantly. Frankly, I don't really want to know. I just want to go home and forget that any of it ever happened._

"_The teachers brought you here after they broke up the fight." She says nonchalantly. _

"_Fight?" I wonder if she is referring to mine. I'm not entirely sure since I don't think what happened to me can really qualify as a fight. _

_Before she can say a word the door burst open and a short young man walks in. _

"_Ms Carlin, are you alright?" the principal says in a panic._

'_Ms Carlin?' Wow he must really be scared if he's actually willing to call one of his students with respect. I know for a fact that he hates pretty much every single kid in this school, I'm no exception. _

"_Yeah, I'm fine." I eye him strangely._

"_Look," He shuffles in his seat nervously. "since nothing happened and you weren't hurt or anything, we don't really have to contact your parents and tell them about any of this now do we?" He asks hesitantly, probably waiting for me to tell him he's insane._

"_Yeah, that makes sense." Normally it wouldn't but considering what the fight was about, I'm glad he asked. _

_He breathes a sigh of relief and pulls away from me. I hear him mumble "Thank God" under his breath and starts to walk towards the door but stops then turns back._

"_Be sure to get plenty of rest. Oh, and don't worry about the issue being a hate crime. Ms. Davies made it very clear that Mr. Dennison was intoxicated when he made such accusations and that Ms. Duarte was very well misinformed."_

"_Wait. What do you mean?" _

"_After you blacked out, Ms. Davies stepped in and stopped Ms. Duarte. They got into an argument and a small fight broke out. By that time we were on the scene and broke it up between the two, that's when Ms. Davies started yelling at her and everyone else that Mr. Dennison was indeed intoxicated."_

"_Oh." Is all I can think to say. I don't really know how to react to this. _

_After that he smiles then leaves. I look around the room for a clock and find one perched on the nurse's desk. Apparently it's only been half an hour since I passed out. Should I go to the rest of my classes or just stay here? On one hand, I don't have to see anyone I don't like; on the other hand … well I don't really know. _

_I make my mind and just decide to stay here until a thought occurs in my head and I get up to leave. This time I slip by the quad unnoticed, seems like there's another fight. 'How long can they go without enticing a fight?' _

_I make it to my window and lean against the wall but turn my head to peer inside._

_There she was. Normally she'd never be here at this time. She usually just comes for the first few minutes then leaves, other then the rare times that she stays for the whole period. I took the unlikely gamble of her being here and she is. Thank God I did._

_She's sitting in her normal chair in the middle of the room. Her guitar is in her hand but they're not moving. Her head is hunched down and I lean in closer to see that she's crying. My heart breaks knowing the fact she's in tears but I can't feel just a little bit happy because I know deep down that those tears are for me._

'_She is, isn't she?' I can only hope. I don't see any other reason as to why she would be crying, and besides she was the one who broke up the fight and told them all that it was a lie, even if it wasn't._

_I continue to watch her for what seems like forever. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but relish the fact that I'm here. I feel a guilty happiness come over me. I'm happy that I'm the only one that sees her like this, even if she doesn't know._

_It doesn't matter to me how much of a stalker I look like. I don't care. I don't even care if she never sees me or realizes me. I'm just content knowing that I'm here, knowing that I can be beside her. But if such a day would come, I'm sure my heart would burst._

_The bell rings abruptly ending my session with her. She wipes her tears away, packs up then heads out the door. I still don't know whether I should go to the rest of my classes._

_I decide to just go, besides my mom would kill me if she saw that I skipped class and become more suspicious. I also want people to think that it's not a big deal, when in reality, it was a huge deal, but they don't know that. _

_As expected, all I could feel during the rest of my classes were the unwanted stares of curious students. I couldn't even hear the teacher. All I could hear was the constant whispering of one person to another. Things like: "Is that her?" or "She's not really, is she?" and even "No, that's not what Ashley said" _

_All I can do is let out a large sigh at the end of the day, like I did at the end of each class._

_My head hurts. Thank God the days over. When the last bell rings I quickly make my way to the parking lot, hoping that my brothers will be there to take me home._

_I tap my foot impatiently. I'm going crazy, please get me out! The parking lot starts to fill in with people getting in their vehicles and leaving. When I see Ashley's group I run behind my brother's car in an attempt to hide. I really don't want to see them right now; frankly, I don't ever want to see them, save for Ashley that is. I wait until they all get into their respective cars and leave._

_The parking lot is pretty much empty now and the cars left belong to people with club activities or people who are staying after school for whatever reason. I look ahead and see my brothers stomping towards me. Fuck. I forgot all about how they would react. Of course they would have heard, how could you not in this school?_

"_Spencer!" Glen's voice yells out in anger, dragging my name and I cringe._

"_Yes." Is all that I can squeak out._

"_We heard about what happened today, what the hell was that?!" Clay this time. He's not as angry as Glen, keyword being 'as'._

"_Yes, I'm fine thank you for asking." I say out sarcastically. I'm a little hurt. I mean I know that they're not particularly protective of me or anything and that they don't really care much about me but it still painful to know that they'd get angry at me._

"_Well, you're standing aren't you?" Glen says impatiently._

_I scoff in disbelief._

"_Look, can we get to the point? Is it true?" Clay says sternly._

"_What?! No! Some ass in my class was drunk then accused me of checking out some girl! Then queen bitch overheard and thought it was true then started pounding on me!" I friggin annoyed that they can't even trust me._

"_Ass?!! That 'ass' happens to be my best friend and that 'bitch' is my girlfriend!!" Glen yells out, his spit flying the direction of his open mouth._

'_Oh I didn't mention?' Well, Glen and Clay are popular within their own cliques and Glen happens to be in Ashley's. It doesn't concern me though cause they made this rule that no one was going to know that we're siblings, they only made up the rule after I received my nickname. _

"_Glen calm down! As long as it's not true it doesn't concern us unless someone finsout we're…" Clay says annoyed._

"_siblings." I finish his sentence for him. _

"_Exactly." Glen says_

"_Look, the deal remains in place. I really care about you or what you do as long as it doesn't tarnish what I, what we've" Clay points to himself and Glen. "worked so hard to built up, then it really doesn't matter."_

_I furrow my eyebrows and looks towards the floor, suddenly taking an interest to my shoes. _

_It's all the same to them. It's all about the image that they've built; it's all about trying to be somebody that you're not. It's all about hiding the parts that won't be accepted and replacing them with false parts that people will accept. It's all about the lies._

_Once we reach home I quickly run up to my room and let out the flood of tears that I've been holding in through the ride home. _

_I hate it. I hate how they're here. I hate how they can us family when we're around mom and dad but can't even look at me in school. I hate how mom and dad know but don't even care. I hate how mom buries herself with her work while dad continues to ignore me. _

_I want things to change. I want them to see. I want them to know._

_----------------------------------------------Flashback Ends-------------------------------------------_

That day remains vivid in my mind. My bruise stayed for a good two or three weeks. For the remainder of the school term, my new nickname stayed. No one believed it true since Aiden was drunk but they called me it anyway.

Though all the events in my freshmen year paled in comparison to my junior year. Ashley was finally a senior and on her way to graduate that year. Me on the other hand never made it to graduate at King High. Things went wrong, horrible wrong. But I don't blame her. I hate her but I don't blame her. I know that it's not her fault; I know that's my fault. It never would have happened if I wasn't so naïve and confident, confident that I could see Ashley, maybe I never did.


	8. Chapter 8

Hey guys! Here's another long one!! I'm almost done the next chapter so it shouldn't take too long. Sorry it took me a while for this one, I'm sorta sick and yeah... Anyways! Read and then review in order to tell me your little rant of whether you like it or not!!

Chapter 8 (part a)

*Spencer's P.O.V*

In my junior year, the miserable, yet content life I had came to an end. In its stead, it produced an even more miserable life. In some ways, I don't really mind, its better then living that fake life.

I always did things that I knew, deep inside, were wrong. I always did things that I knew would make other people happy. So to speak, all I did was for someone else, never for me. I knew how much easier it would've been if I wasn't the person they couldn't accept. I know that none of what happened never would have if I kept lying to myself. If I kept playing their game, I would still be there, pretending to be someone I'm not. Acting like there's nothing wrong with killing who you really are, and burying that person deep inside yourself. As though there was nothing wrong with living the way others wanted you, only to have them be disappointed in you.

Well too bad, I'm done with that. I may be miserable, but at least I am who I am. But back then, during the time I thought that it mattered most, it didn't. All that mattered was that, I wasn't acceptable anymore.

Junior year destroyed my life, but it built my new one.

The beginning of it wasn't bad though. In fact, it was probably the best I ever felt throughout all of high school. It was when I first met Ashley, and she first met me.

It was a few weeks after school began and I was already retreating back to my old habits. I had hoped that maybe, just maybe, that year would be different, and it was, just not in the way I wanted it to be. People also got back into their old habits, one of which included bullying me.

_-------------------------------------------------Flashback----------------------------------------------_

_This sucks. I'm stuck in the same rut that I was in last year. I was hoping that people would forget about me, but nooo, they remembered every single detail. If their memory is that good, then why can't half these idiots pass basic trig. I mean seriously, that stuff is a piece of cake. Instead, they put all their attention and brain power on remembering me and the ways that they used to torture me._

_It's still only first period and we're only in our second week of school, yet even the freshman are already calling me names. I was kinda hoping that they would be the new target. I know it's horrible of me to think that, but can you really blame me? Still, it's only first period and I've already been hit with an array of balled up paper, had gum spit at me, tripped __**4**__ times, and someone actually threw a wet toilet roll at me. Thank God it missed, I don't even want to think about where it's been._

_The bell rings and I'm the first to leave the class. It doesn't really matter though. If I leave the class, they ambush me in the hallway, if I escape to another class, they ambush me in there. I can really only escape during lunch, unfortunately, right now, it seems far off. _

_I got through second and third with dozens of problems butI'm not gonna say it. I will, however, say that one of them involves, let me be clear, it was not mine, a strap-on. So you can't really blame me when I run, and I mean run, to my favorite place in the school. I know the best routes now in avoiding the quad and places with large populations. I get there in record time._

_I look inside the classroom and I feel like a dog waiting for its master. I stare at the door though the window, she's late. Normally, she'd be here by now. She rarely ever skips these things. Only twice, and apparently she had detention on those days, and the others was when she wasn't at school. That's strange, I'm sure I saw her this morning, and I never heard anything about her being in trouble. _

_Since I'm a loner and don't talk to people much, I developed a pretty keen sense of hearing. Now, even when I'm not listening to a conversation, I can hear when someone even mentions the name Ashley Davies. _

_Creepy and stalkerish, I know. But I just can't help but act and feel this way. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm going to confess her or anything. I would rather just watch her from afar, I know she'll never accept me, besides, she's not even gay. Also, this is her last year here, so I will savor the time that I have left._

_I continue my mental rant about how I'm not stalking her, I'm sure that I have about, a million different expressions on my face each second. I tend to do this when I rant, change expressions, I mean. I'm so into my rant, I don't even notice a figure standing to my side, not until she taps my shoulder._

_I turn around to see who it is that dare interrupt my rant. It's not long before I quickly find myself doing that face, the one that looks like a fish. 'Ashley Davies. Ashley friggin Davies is standing in front of me.' _

_My face stays the same and she just chuckles at my expression. _

'_Ashley Davies. Ashley friggin Davies is laughing because of me.' Or is she laughing at me? I turn away and furrow my eyebrows, discussing the question in my head. I start to debate with myself again, and I wonder at the possibilities. I hear her chuckle even louder and my face snaps to her direction._

"_Well, that was interesting." Her raspy, yet heavenly, voice calls out._

"_I…uh…blah" is all I manage to get out in my drooling stature. I feel like a little kid who's meeting their idol for the first time. In some ways, I am._

_She laughs even more and the air is filled with her heavenly voice. 'Music to my ears' _

"_I'm Ashley Davies." She says out again, extending her arm down at my form, the one that's still kneeling in front of the window, peering in. _

_I take my eyes off of her face and towards her hand, studying it. My face scrunches and I look towards her hand as though it's something not from this world._

_I can feel her watching my strange interaction as I try to approach her hand. She chuckles again and I feel like a wild animal meeting a human for the first time._

_I tentatively take her hand and leave mine in hers, as though I don't know what to do with it._

_She tries to stifle her laughter, but it fails horrible. When I hear it, my head snaps to her direction. She has a wide grin on, and the smile makes her nose crinkle. _

'_I'll tell you right now, if I wasn't in love with her before, I certainly am now.'_

"_So are you gonna shake my hand, or do you just like holding it?" She says, grin still in place._

_I blush furiously and I'm sure that my face is now a new shade of red. I slowly shake her hand before quickly pulling it back. _

"_Don't worry, I won't hurt you." She coos out, laughing and grinning. She teases me, treating me like the animal I'm acting like._

_I pout at the way she treats me, but it disappears cause I really can't help but smile right now. She's here in front of me, smiling and laughing, and most of all, talking, to me! I continue to try and wrap my head around the idea and proceed to spacing out._

_She snaps her fingers in my face and I wake up from my trance. _

"_Are you okay? You've been doing that for a while." She says with a smile on her face._

"_Uh, huh… What?" _

'_Smart Spencer, you're first words to her are: uh, huh, and what.'_

_How sad, and might I add, very embarrassing. _

"_I mean, yeah I'm fine." I try and say coolly; attempting to gather up the rest of the dignity I have left._

"_Yeah sure, of course you are." She says, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she playfully rolls her eyes; grin firmly planted on her face._

_I blush again and look down to the floor. I still can't believe that she's right here. I really want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. I don't think I am though, usually, in my dreams, we already know each other and we're holding hands or talking or something._

"_So… what are you doing here?" She probably knows how awkward I feel and tries to lighten the topic. Though, then again I might be off, and she might really want to know. Especially considering she just caught me in position of peering in her little hide out._

'_It's okay Spence, just try and act cool.'_

"_Uh…" _

'_Dammit!' _

_I scold myself before I find my voice again._

"_Nothing, just eating lunch." I try and recover. I turn my head down, but my eyes peer up to look at her reaction._

_She looks to be in deep thought as she stares intently at my face._

"_I just thought that it'd be nice to go somewhere new for lunch." I lie, trying to throw her off. I really don't want her thinking that I'm some creepy underclassman who watches her when she's alone. Then again, I really am, just not in such a disturbing way._

"_Oh, so you don't normally eat here?" She tries to ask casually. I know what she's getting at._

"_No, I normally eat in the area but never actually on this spot./" I face her and try my best to lie. I don't really have to try too hard though, despite my appearance, I'm actually a pretty good liar, mostly because I've been doing it all my life. _

"_Oh." She says nonchalantly, trying not to sound relieved. She smiles at me again and takes a seat next to me._

"_What about you? What are you doing here?" I lean against the wall and make myself comfortable._

"_Me? Well, nothing, just relaxing." She tries to cover up._

_Now that I think about it, why is she here? She doesn't go out the area, other then the room of course. _

"_Oh." I copy her reply._

_I decide to gather up all the courage in my body and ask her._

"_Do you normally come here?" I face towards her and I see her shuffle nervously._

"_Um… No… not… __**here**__ per say." She accents the word, hinting towards me._

"_What do you mean?" I already know, but I want her to say it._

"_I sometimes eat lunch around the area." She nods her head, looking down, fidgeting with her hands. _

"_Oh really? Where? I usually eat lunch around the area as well, so…" I know I'm pushing her, and I know that any second now she might freak and tell me to back off, but until then, I'll keep pressing._

"_Um… well…" she sighs then turns to me, staring at me intently. She looks as though she's wondering if she can trust me. "Actually, I go here a lot." She points towards the window, indicating the room inside._

"_Really?" I saw with a smile, glad that she actually said it. _

"_Yeah. I don't stay there often though, sometimes usually just a few minutes." She smiles back._

_I flush at her comment and look down._

"_Why don't you join me sometime?" She continues to smile at me, trying to catch my attention._

_My face is blushing into a dark shade of red, and I pick up my head and look to her._

"_Yeah sure, I'd like that." I say quietly, my face has a full grin on._

_She does her heart-dropping, nose crinkling smile, and turns her attention to her lunch._

"_So, why aren't you in there today?" I ask, looking to her curiously._

"_Well, don't tell this to kay?" She says quietly, as though there were others around to hear. All I do is giggle at her playfulness._

"_No one's actually supposed to use this room, but I have been granted special access." She grins to me and wriggles her eyebrows up and down._

"_Really? How?" I ask in amazement. I mean it too. _

"_Well, no one actually gave me the key." She insinuates. "I took it." She says quietly, not meeting my eyes, but instead looks from the corner of hers to look at my reaction. Her actions indicate a want for acceptance. _

"_Cool!" I say out. It really is! _

_A small smile slowly starts to crawl up her face._

"_Yeah." She says shyly. _

'_Whoot' I actually made Ashley Davies shy! My eyes continue to watch her as the blush creeps up her face. _

"_So, you never answered my original question." _

"_Well, normally, I would be in there but I lost my key. Luckily, I hid another one, but just in case, I'm gonna get that one copied." She just shrugs and continues to eat her lunch._

_I nod blankly before doing the same. _

_We continue to eat our lunch in silence; it was comfortable, not at all on the edge. After a while, she looks to her watch and shifts to me. _

_Her eyes look downcast as she peeks up at me._

"_Sorry, I gotta go, but I'll see you around." She says with a small smile. _

_I return her smile. "Yeah, sure." _

_She gets up and picks up her tray with her. She's a few steps away before she turns back._

"_Hey, I never got your name." _

_I shuffle uncomfortable in my position. I don't know if I should tell her. I sorta don't want her to know. I still can't help but be ashamed of who I am out in the real world. _

_She must notice my discomfort, because her face is scrunching up in regret._

"_Um… I never gave it." I try and say playfully. It doesn't work though, and instead just comes out sorta harsh and desperate._

"_Fine then, I guess I'll see you again __Nevinné." She smiles at me and walks off._

'_Nevinné?' She gave me a nickname! A good one at that! At least, I think it is. I wonder what it means, gotta make a note of that. _

_My day went fairly well. Well, not really different then any other, but considering what happened today, I like I'm on cloud 9. Everyone's insults just bounced off of me. I didn't even notice the barrage of paper bombs thrown at me. I just stood there and grinned, I'm sure they were looking at me strangely, but I didn't even notice._

_I head towards the parking lot, coming late so that I wouldn't have to wait for my brothers. I see my fuming brothers from afar; Glen tapping his foot impatiently, while Clay has his arms crossed._

_When they see my coming to view, they start yelling their heads off, all about how they've been waiting for 10 minutes. I'm surprised they still haven't left yet, but that's probably because dad will scold them if they leave me. I know he doesn't really care though, it's all just appearances. _

_Their shouts go through one ear, and leave right through the other. I don't hear a single word they're saying, I'm still on cloud 9._

_I see they finally stop yelling, but my ears are still ringing. Just cause I wasn't listening, doesn't mean that my ears didn't hear. I step into the car, remembering today's events put a smile on my face. _

_It's been one month since I've been meeting with Ashley, and it is sooo great! I feel like I could die and not have any regrets. We're close now too. We just talk when she's there. We don't talk about high school or anything real, we talk about the smallest and stupidest things in the world, but with her, they seem more important then anything else. It was our way of running away; together. _

_She didn't come every day, not like she used in the room, but when she did come, she stayed for a longer period of time. I still haven't told her about my stalking fiasco, abd I don't really plan to. I did tell her my name though. As much as I love having her call me by my nickname, which I still don't know the meaning of, I'm sure she'd be more comfortable if she knew my real name. I never gave her my full name though, just Spencer; she's fine with that. _

_I have actually found out a lot about her. I found out that she has only seen her father 112 days since she was five. I found out a little bit about her likes and dislikes. She likes to listen to music, but sometimes composes her own. Well, okay, that I __**do**__ know, but she doesn't know that. I found out that, despite the fact that she likes to party, smoking is something that she'll never do. She says that she has enough things against her to increase her possibility of death. I couldn't help but laugh when she said that._

_Ooh, I also found out that she can't swin despite being a frequent visitor to the beach; something we both share. The swimming thing I mean, not the beach thing._

_I love hearing her speak; it's literally like music to my ears. Sometimes, she just stops mid-sentence and immediately blushes. I never understood why, but then she told me that it was because she must be very self-centered to keep on talking about herself, and that I must be very bored. 'She couldn't be more wrong.' She really couldn't; I can only wish to know everything about her, but it seems, when it comes to __**her**__, there's always more, and I love it. _

_This leads us to today. I'm in first period, just day dreaming of when I see her again. Day dreaming of what she'll talk about, and of what she'll look like. I still haven't seen her today, but it doesn't matter, she'll probably look gorgeous. She always does. _

_I snap out of my daydream when the bell rinds, and I quickly pack up my stuff and head for the door. I take long strides, grin painted happily on my face, when,_

_BAM!_

_My back makes hard contact against the locker, and I wince horrible. 'Fuck!' I really hate it when they push against a locker, it always leaves a bruise on my back, not to mention that the one from last time is still there._

_I gather my head and look around to see my personal hell bringers, snickering and smiling cockily at each other. Why must they do this today?_

_I let out a large sigh before prepping myself up for the worst._

"_Well looky here, someone call the zoo, there's a dyke on the loose!" Madison hollers out, and the crowd erupts in a fit of snickers, chuckles and mild laughter._

_Seriously, comparing being gay to an animal is just stupid and low, but right now, considering that I kinda wanna stay alive, I'll shut my mouth. _

"_Seriously though, why do we have to spend our last year with a dyke around?" Another guy sneers. He's obviously popular. I don't personally know him since he's new, but I think his name's Patrick_

"_I know eh? Like we don't already have enough problems around here, now we have to worry about a dyke infecting us." Aiden laughs out._

_God, they're stupid. Comparing being gay to being an animal, and a disease! _

"_What about you baby? What do you think?" Madison coos out to the man that just walked over here, his big burly arms now wrapped tightly around her waist. _

_Fuck no. Why the hell is he here?! Usually he isn't here to see these things, sometimes he just walks by and ignores it, and I know that it's not really much better, but ay least it's only half as embarrassing._

"_I think that it sucks that they're even letting her kind into the school." Glen spits at me, cold eyes of indifference burning holes into me. _

_This is another reason that I don't like it when he participates. It's because I can't really tell whether or not he's kidding sometimes, whether or not he's doing this for status or if he actually means it. Like I said, neither are better, but occasionally, I like to believe that, all in all, he's still my brother, and he actually does love me. It's moments like these that make me doubt that. _

"_Hey guys. What's going on?" A voice from behind them pops up. It's a voice that I recognize as music to my ears._

'_Why God, why the hell do you hate me?!!" _

_I see Ashley making her way to the front, only to freeze when she sees me against the locker. Her form visible tenses, and as soon as her eyes make vision contact with my face, they shift themselves quickly on the floor. The look on her face spelt out shock and regret. For what? My guess is, walking over here._

_I regret that she did too. I cast my eyes to the floor as well. I hate having her see me like this. I hat having her know how weak I am. I hate having her look at the me in the reality of the world, not the real me._

"_Oh, hey Ashley, we're just wondering at why in the world the school would actually let suck a freak into the school." Madison speaks out._

_I look up slightly to see Ashley's reaction; all she does is fidget nervously. _

"_Yeah, I know what you mean." She says weakly and quietly. I know that she was probably trying to say it so that I wouldn't be able to hear. I guess that she figures it didn't work when she saw the look of hurt across my face._

_I look to Madison, who opens her mouth to say something, in order to get my eyes and mind off of Ashley. Before she speaks, the bell rings, and Ashley is the first person, among the few, to disperse. It's not long before they all do, but not before taking a second to sneer at me or send me a dirty glance._

_I'm in pain so I just slowly slide down against the locker. There's obviously more then one kind of pain, but one more so then the other. I know that she probably regrets doing that. I know that she probably feels guilty inside. I know all that. I know but… even knowing doesn't stop the tears falling from my eyes. _

_I take a minute to breath before picking up my stuff, which have all scattered across the floor. I head off to my next class. Normally, I wouldn't go, but considering that it's video production, I won't miss it._

_My classes passed by way too quickly, ironically enough, it's usually the opposite. I'm now looking at the clock and there's three minutes left until the bell rings. I don't know if I should go. I don't really know if I want to see her right now. It's things like this that make knowing her difficult. I still want to see her, but I don't want her to see me; hence the dilemma._

_I take a deep breath then head towards the door when the bell rings. I make my way towards the window, but taking small steps while still avoiding crowded places. It takes me about, a good 7 minutes, to get here. All I have to do is round the corner._

'_It's not too late to back out.' No, I can't do it. I can't back out. I should see her, and put this whole thing behind us._

_I turn the corner and Ashley is sitting down by the window, eyebrows furrowed, concentrating. It looks as though she's reciting something._

_When she finally notices my presence she immediately jumps to her feet, and it looks as though she's about to say something. Our eyes meet and it seems what whatever words she had to say just died in her throat. _

_She looks to the floor again, twiddling her thumbs, and she shifts awkwardly from foot to foot. I stare down at he awkward form, I decide to say the first word._

"_Hey." I say quietly._

"_Hey." She says back, continually refusing to meet my face._

_Damn this is awkward. A minute or so passes, neither of us say a word. She sighs deeply and I bring my eyes up to her face._

"_Look…about today…"she starts off. Her hand on the back of her neck, the other placed in the pocket of her jeans, while one foot is kicking at the dirt. _

"_I-" she begins again._

"_It's okay." I interrupt, and her eyes shoot up to meet mine, but she immediately regrets it then continues to gaze at the floor. _

"_I don't mind." I continue. "I know that you were doing it to keep up appearances."_

_She looks up and a wave of hurt flashes across of her face, but it leaves as soon as it came. _

"_I'm sorry." Is all that she says. "I know that I'm weak, and that I'm scared to face them. I know that I'm a jerk, and that I treated you like shit." She says it in a quiet, yet stern voice, and I know that she means it. _

"_Well, I forgive you for being a jerk." I say in a lighter voice, hoping to raise the mood. _

_A small smile creeps up on her face._

"_Oh thank you, your majesty." She jokes, bowing down while twirling her hand._

_I giggle at her action, and feel my cheeks heating up. _

"_Great, now let's sit down and eat." I gesture towards the ground."_

"_Wait, I wanna take you somewhere." She grins to me._

"_Where?" I look to her in puzzlement. She takes my hand and drags me along with her. Her fingers are full of calluses, but her skin is so soft. I can feel a shock go through my whole body as her hand hold mine._

_She takes me to the other side of the building, where we face an old rusted door with a lock. She reaches in her pocket and takes out a key. She places the key in, opening the door._

_We enter through, and are in a long corridor, and head off, but not before she turns back and locks the door behind her._

"_Are you planning to kill me in here then hide my body?" I joke at her._

_A blush creeps up her face._

"_No, but I just might lock you here and eat you up." She laughs out._

_It's my turn to blush now. I don't she knows what she implied just now. _

_Well, if she didn't before, she does now. She looks at me with a cherry red face, eyes open wide in realization. _

"_Ah, no… I mean… I…" she stutters out._

"_That was supposed to be…I" She continues to blush, and trips over her words._

"_It's alright. I know what you meant." I say to her shyly. _

"_Uh yeah, sorry for making you feel weird." She shyly looks down, kicking at the imaginary dirt. She looks incredibly adorable doing it though!_

"_So, you were taking me somewhere?" I remind her. _

_Her face lights up slightly, as she grabs my hand again._

"_Yeah, come on, let's go." She continues to drag me until we come into a room. She unlocks the door and takes me inside, this time not locking the door, but still closing it behind her._

_I recognize the room. I recognize it because I've been looking into it for pretty much my entire high school life. I look to her and beam her a smile. She grins proudly in return._

"_You finally brought me here." I say quietly, heat spreading across my cheeks, once again._

"_Yeah." She says, just as quietly and shyly. "So, do you like it?" She asks me expectantly._

"_I love it!" I exclaim, and I mean every word. "It's so serene here." _

_I walk around the and inspect the abandoned room. I walk up to a portion that I haven't seen yet, through the limited view of the window. I spot an old piano and play a key. Despite it's obvious age, it was still beautifully tuned. _

"_You play?" she asks me. _

"_Only a little bit." I reply back, blush still conquering my face. I really do. Mainly self taught, since I stopped taking lessons years ago._

"_Why don't you play something?" She suggests._

_I look to her, she had a shy grin on her face as she looks at me expectantly. I give her the same smile before taking a seat._

_I think about what to play for a bit. I know. I know what to play. I've been trying to properly compose the piano version for it for a while now. When I finally got it, I played it for one week straight. _

_I lay my fingers on the keys, before I start playing the first few chords slowly. I know it must be familiar to her. I continue playing and never once turn back to see her reaction. Just before I finish the opening chords, I hear someone playing the guitar. I hear her playing the guitar._

_We play until the first verse comes up. I know she must be surprised, but considering that she's playing, at least it might not be as bad as I thought. Her heavenly voice fills the air, and I remember the first time I heard it. _

"_She's just a little girl_

_Living in someone else's world_

_She's scared and she knows_

_That they're all the same, friend or foe_

_Though she doesn't realize_

_That someone sees through her eyes"_

_We play a few chords before starting the next verse. _

"_Some nights she cries herself to sleep._

_Just another girl who's in too deep_

_She doesn't see you or know you_

_Hell, she doesn't even know about you"_

_I want to look back. I want to see her and run to her. I want to hold her tight, but I'm scared. What if she pushes me away?_

"_But you saw her_

_And you know her_

_And you know her dreams of living_

_And you know that she's worth giving_

_You know all of her weaknesses_

_All her loves, essences and instances_

_All the times she's said she wants to die_

_But you know her, you know it's a lie_

_All the times she mutes her screams _

_When everyone else passes them off as dreams_

_You've seen her talk through her tears_

_It's the same way you see through her fears_

_Like each time when you pull her up from the shadows_

_You're only a step away, a single blink she knows_

_Cause just it's too sad to say_

_That you only exist when she lays_

_When her eyes close, consciousness drifts_

_Sad to say you only exist in that rift"_

_Her voice starts to fade, and our playing soon comes to a stop. Silence engulfs the room. _

'_Oh God.' She's not saying anything. What do I do? What if she gets mad at me and never wants to see me again._

_I can feel my heart pounding out of my chest, before I slowly and hesitantly turn my body to face her. When I look at her, her eyes immediately find mine. It becomes clear that she was staring at me. We continue to stare at each other, I know she can't really see my eyes, but she's sure as hell trying hard to._

"_How do you…" She breaks the silence, but lets the question stray off._

_Should I tell her? Should I say what happened, what I've been doing?_

_I shuffle awkwardly in my seat, never once breaking my eye contact with her. Her beautiful, chocolate brown eyes are making me melt. I feel like I can't lie under them._

"_I…" I start off, but like her, let the sentence stray._

"_I saw you singing it that song a while ago." I say, looking at her expression. Her black expression is still the same._

"_Oh." Is all she says._

"_Why were you… I mean, how did you…" She fumbles with her words, but likeme, never once breaks eyes contact._

"_I heard you singing it in here, a while ago. I was just passing by looking for somewhere to eat, since the place I usually went to was wet." I tell her, absentmindedly. It's not a lie, just an absence of truth._

"_Oh." She says again simply, our hold on each other's eyes never breaking._

"_Um… I really like that song, it helped me get through some hard times. It still does." I say, trying slightly to change the topic. _

"_What do you mean?" She says blankly._

_I fidget a little._

"_Um, kinda like what happened today." I tell her._

"_Oh." A look of hurt and regret flashes through her face. _

"_So, you were being bullied?" She says quietly._

_I nod blankly. _

"_Look, I'm so sorry about today." She says quietly, our stare finally breaking, as she casts her eyes to the floor. _

"_Don't worry about it, besides I'm used to it." I send her a small smile. I don't really want to talk about this, but it beats having to confess that I stalk her. _

"_Used to the bullying?" She asks, eyebrows furrowed._

"_Well, that too." _

"_Too? There's more?" _

"_Um… yeah…" I answer hesitantly. _

"_Like?" She presses._

"_Well, being ignored and passed by." I say quietly, not wanting to insult her or make her feel worse._

"_Oh." She says sadly._

"_Don't worry about it, it's fine." I say once again, trying to get her over it._

"_Who?" I snap my head to her direction. What?_

"_What do you mean who?" I ask blandly. _

"_Well, do you know anyone?" She says awkwardly, not wanting to push or hurt me. _

_I don't want to lie her, but I don't really want to tell her about Glen and Clay, either. What if she tells?_

_I sigh and prep myself._

"_Promise you won't tell?" I saw towards her, her face lightens up a bit._

"_Yeah, I promise." She says with a small smile on her face._

"_Glen and Clay Carlin." I say simply. _

"_You know them?" _

"_They're um… they're my brothers." I look down. I don't want to talk about this._

"_Brothers?!" Her eyes widen in shock, and it looks as though they're about to pop out of her head._

"_Shhh!" I tell her, despite knowing the fact that no one's around._

"_Oh, sorry." She sends an apologetic glance my way, while pushing her voice to a whisper._

"_I just never would've thought that you would be…" She struggles finding the right words. _

"_I know, it's fine, you don't have to say it." I say towards her, trying to make the whole thing less awkward. _

"_If…" She pauses for a second then thinks. _

"_If they're you're brothers, then why don't they do anything?" _

_I could ask myself the same question._

"_They um… they made this rule that no one's supposed to know that we're siblings. But that's exactly why you can't tell anyone." I sound desperate, and I hate it, but I am, and I hate it even more. _

_She just stares at me in sympathy, and I try to look away from her pitying gaze._

"_How come?" _

"_They don't exactly like having a sister with suck a bad reputation." I saw in a low voice._

"_Oh." She tears her eyes away to look at the floor. I don't even think I could count anymore how many times she's said that._

"_But it's alright." I say, somewhat more cheerfully, wanting to raise up the mood a bit._

"_I know that if things go really far, or too bad, they'll help me. I mean, they may be jerks, but they're still my brothers." I say with a small smile on my face. It's true, I don't really think they'd let it go too far. _

_I mean, we weren't always this way. When we were little, they used to be very protective of me, and I know, deep inside, they still are. _

_She sends a small smile my way, before walking towards me and putting her hand on mine, comforting me._

"_Good." She says simply, before wrapping me in a tight hug._

_I think I just died and went to heaven. _

_We stay that way for a few minutes before she breaks contact, and pulls away._

"_Thank you." I tell her quietly. _

"_For what?" _

"_Just for being here, with me." I send her a shy smile._

"_I want to be here." She tells me._

_I can't believe this is happening, I really can't believe this is happening. I can't believe that she's right here saying all these things to me. _

"_Besides, it's not like I really believe in anything else they say." She says, referring to her friends._

_I fidget slightly, before looking to her. _

"_But…what if some of the things they say, aren't lies?" I look up to her, watching her reaction carefully. _

_I want her to know. I don't want to lie to her, I've already told her so much. _

"_Like what?" She's asks me curiously._

"_Like…what if, hypothetically, I really am gay." I say, eyeing her carefully, studying her reactions. To my surprise, a smile starts to grow on her face. _

"_Well, if that were true, hypothetically of course, I wouldn't mind." She says, smile still in place. _

_A large grin starts to grow on my face. Is she serious? Does she really mean that? My heart is going to jump out of my chest any time soon._

"_Are you serious?" I saw in awe, my eyes light up._

_She just chuckles at my reaction, I don't mind cause her laughter is heaven._

"_Of course I am. Spence, you've been such a good friend to me, probably even better and closer then any I have now. Whether or not you're gay is fine with me." She beams at me. _

_I think I just died again. Am I hallucinating, did Ashley Davies just say that?_

_I can't stop smiling, my face is now frozen this way. All I can do is stare at her in amazement. She laughs again at my reaction, and I can't help but giggle, this causes her to laugh even more._

_After our little laughing fit, she stares at e curiously, mischievous smile in place._

"_So, any little prospects for you?" She beams_

"_Um… I have a small crush, but nothing serious." I shyly look down. 'Who the hell am I kidding? __**Little crush**__? I'm friggin obsessed with her!" _

_I look up to see her reaction, and a smirk is in place. I swear, if she continues to smile like that, I might as well get a donor card. At least it'll help people out in when I die of heart attack. _

"_Good for you." She tells me. But for some reason, I felt something else in her voice. I felt… jealousy._

"_What about you? Any male prospects?" I ask, trying to get my mind off of her earlier tone._

"_Uh no. One should only hit and run, boys are way too much trouble." She tells me, and I can't help but laugh at the way she says it. _

"_Oh, come one. What kind of guy do you like then? The bad boy, the skater? Oh no, you like the tortured poet." I joke with her._

"_Eww no. Guys all think hello means put your hands all over me and testosterone me." She gestures, moving her hand over my skin for added effect. _

_I laugh at her comment._

"_No, it's the kiss, I so hate the kiss. They try to suffocate you with their tongues." Yeah, I've kissed before, surprising I know, but it was before I realized I was gay. I was young, but I still remember how out of place it felt ,and how much I hated it._

"_I know, I know, and all they do is sit around and talk about themselves forever." _

"_Right, and you have to sit there, smiling and nodding,"_

"_like you care." We both say at once. _

_We take one look at each other, and we're bursting out laughing. I didn't notice it, but in the heat of our conversation, we've become pretty close. She's sitting directly beside me, straddling the piano bench. I lean my back against the piano, careful not to press any keys._

_Our laughter slowly dies down. Her hand softly lands on mine._

"_It's a good thing they're not the only option." She says, absent-mindedly. My eyes snap to her direction._

_Her eyes grow wide in realization, to what she just said, and her mouth moves to protest her earlier comment, but to her dismay, her voice fails her. _

_Ashley Davies, gay? Is that even possible? Did God decide to finally make it up to me for all the shitty things in my life? Maybe I'm dreaming, or maybe I'm in an alternate universe?_

_I snap out of my rant, only to see she's still frozen in place. I have to admit that it's funny to see her like this, especially when normally, it's me doing the fish face. _

_What do I saw? What do I do? I mean, I've obviously got nothing against it, hell, I'm fucking ecstatic. It's just a huge shock. Ashley friggin Davies, gay. Holy shit, that sounds preposterous. Okay, calm down, deep breaths._

_I breathe in deeply and let it out. I look at her carefully, and she's still frozen. I think carefully about my next words. _

"_If you were like that, I wouldn't mind." I give her a small smile._

_Her face starts to slowly unfreeze, and her face softens. She cats her head down, and peers her eyes up to look at my face._

_I give her another small smile and her eyes shift down in embarrassment. I can see her blush rise up her cheeks, but I don't laugh. The situation doesn't call for it._

_I take a deep breath, courage building up inside of me. I lift my hand, and bring it up to her face. I hold her chin between my finger and forefinger. I bring her chin up so that she'll meet my face. My heart feels as though it's falling into a deep abyss._

_Her watery eyes look at me, stare at my soul. They look as though they're pleading, begging me to forget, asking me to ignore. I can't, no matter how much I want to. I won't, because this is her, the real her._

_Her mouth opens, but nothing comes out. _

_I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't know the words to say. So instead, I don't say anything. I take my hand off of her face and lean in closer. I don't know where I'm getting all this courage, but I don't care. I'm not really thinking straight._

_I wrap my arms around her back, and for a second, for a single second, she tenses. When the long, excruciating second passes, her arms fly around me, and she buries her face in my neck, sobbing._

_I hold her tight against my body and I can't feel my shoulder getting wet. Her hands are clutching at the cloth on my back. I take one hand away from her back and towards the back of her head, gently stroking it._

_I'm in pain, so much pain. I don't want to see her like this, never. I hate seeing her be so broken, seeing her so fragile. But even more, I hate myself. I hate myself because I know it's a lie. I'm savoring this moment, the moment when she freely takes off her armour, her mask; when I don't have to see it from the shadows. When it feels as though I'm the only person in the world capable holding her, comforting her, accepting her, loving her._

_I bury my face into her neck as well, as I loosen my hold on her, I inhale in her scent, deeply. I know how it feels, because I cried too when I found out. I screamed, and yelled, but it was one no one heard. It was like a part of my died, even though I managed to discover who I really am. But the part of me that I know could make my parents happy, the part of me that people could be content with, just died. But none of that matters now, only she matters. Because right now, me and her are the only two people in the world. _

_Only me, only I can hold her like this. She'll only cry in my arms, and she'll only show these emotions to me. I'm the only one who can see her, the real her._

_We both pull away slightly, and I bring my mouth to her forehead, leaving a chaste kiss. I look to her face. Her tear stained cheeks are red, eyes looking directly at me, with her mouth quivering slightly. She looks so fragile and small._

_I bring my hand up to her face, and gently cup her cheek. I bring my other hand up, and wipe away the tears growing on the brim of her eyes._

_I gently stroke her cheek with the pad of my thumb, drawing random patterns on it. I bring my head to the side of her face. _

"_Shh. No one has to know, not until you're ready." _

_I whisper into her ear in a low voice. I pull my head away to meet her face. I give her a small smile, and she attempts to give me one as well, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. _

_Her arms being themselves around my back again, and she buries her neck into my neck. _

_It was soft, I'm not even sure if I heard correctly, or if I just imagined it._

"_Thank you." It was such a quiet whisper, but for some reason, it said so much. The emotions in her voice told me everything I needed to know. _

_She just laid her head on my shoulder, as I softly rub her back._

---------------------------------------------Flashback Ends-------------------------------------------

We stayed in the room for the rest of the day. We didn't bother to go to classes, they didn't matter. We just held each other in the other's arms. We never spoke a single word. Our silence spoke for us.

When the day finally ended, we went out and she took me home. No one in my family asked anything. I didn't care. I remember laying on my bed, and staring at the ceiling the entire day. I cried throughout the day. I never understood why, I assume it has something to do with me actually telling someone my secret. But even weirder, that night, for the first time since it started, I didn't dream of Ashley at all.

I still remember her warmth when I held her. I still remember my wet shoulder, soaked with her tears. I still remember her fragile figure, clutching tightly on to me. I remember loving the fact that I was the one she cried to.

I should have realized that it wouldn't last. It was nice. It was good, too good. It was… what do you call it… the calm before the storm.

My head snaps up to the road, I see sirens blaring, and a road block. My eyes grow wide in shock as my mouth hangs open. I can see the ambulances in the distance, pulling up to the car that is to the side of the road.

I scream, but my voice fails me.

I get out of my car and start running towards the scene, pushing my way through passerbies, and ignoring the honking cars. But they don't matter, they don't exist right now. My breath hitches,, and I start to run faster, heart pumping, sweaty fists.

I finally find my voice, and take all the breathe I have in my body and put it in the one word I know. The one truth that exists to me.

"Ashley!!"

--------------------------------------

Sooo...How'd you like it, or hate it?


	9. Chapter 9

_Heyguys! Here's the next chapter!! _

_I love your comments, keep em coming please! _

_Chapter 9_

_I bring my hand up then brashly bring it down on the offending alarm clock, stopping the noise disturbing the air. I look up to the figure and see the time, 6:12. I groan and get out of bed, proceeding to go the shower. I take off my clothes, throwing them to the ground. I step inside the shower and let the hot water run down my tense body. I concentrate and think, think deeply about the events that have happened these past few months. _

_It's been two months since Ashley came out to me, and to herself. Two months since I had that dreamless night. They continued after that though. Our friendship continued as well, we're closer now too. We don't talk too much about what happened, but we're able to joke around about it a bit, sexual innuendos included. We're good friends, nothing more. I don't mind. I'm already in heaven. She already given me more then I could ever ask. We frequent the room the lot. We still go by our window, but we like it inside the room. She's a lot lighter now too, like a huge burden was lifted off of her shoulders, I'm the same way. _

_I turn off the shower and get out, wiping my body off with a towel. I put on my clothes and head out. I dry my hair and put on my glasses before heading down for breakfast. I sit down on the island table to see dad cooking breakfast. He turns around and sees me but makes no movement to acknowledge I'm here. Glen and Clay come down only minutes later._

"_Hey dad." Glen beams._

_A smile lights up on my dad's face. "Hey son." Dad hands him a plate full of breakfast, then Clay and finally, me. Clay is talking to dad about some big test that he aced yesterday, and every now and then, Glen joins in the conversation._

_I look down to my breakfast but quickly look up again to see the interaction between the family, my family. At least I think so. It's the little things that make me doubt that, now is just an example._

_Mom comes through the door and quickly sits down. She had night shift last night so she's just coming in now. _

"_You wouldn't believe what happened last night." She says, sighing exasperatedly._

"_Some girl was brought in in the dead of the night, beaten and battered. The girl was caught up in some hate crime." She continues. "She came in with bruises all over her, she was actually throwing up blood. What a terrible shame, she was so pretty too. I hate how kids can fall into these things." My mom says with sympathy and I turn my head to her, wondering if I heard right. Is she actually feeling sympathy for someone who is gay?_

"_It's really sad to see what seem to be upstanding young citizens falling into the clutches of the 'gay trend'." All hope within me shatters. _

"_How can they be strayed away from the teachings of God, and be led away by the devil? It's the bad pasts I tell you. What's even worse, the girls parents were actually supporting her satanic relationship. Something like that shouldn't be tolerated. Of course you can't really blame the parents, such a child is corrupted. If anything, I feel sorry for them." She continues with her rant and I see the others nod their heads in agreement, listening intently to what she has to say._

_I really should be used to this. I should know by now how they feel about this, about me. They just don't know it yet, and what's worse, I'm starting to think that they never will. _

_Sometimes I just can't believe their closed-mindedness. I can't believe that they actually believe all that devil crap. It's just stupid._

_I let out a long sigh and do my best to ignore the heated conversation between them, something about the ways that people stray. I swear, they can probably write a book with their rants. Frankly, I'm just quite content that they don't know anything about my school life. _

_I look to the clock and see that it's time to leave. I pick up my stuff and leave the kitchen. Glen and Clay see my action and follow me out the door._

"_Bye mom, dad!" Clay calls out._

"_Bye honey!" They both respond._

_I leave through the front door and head to the car. Glen and Clay soon follow and we drive off to the school. I quickly leave them behind and go to my first period class. I feel dead. They day is bright and sunny, but I feel entirely lifeless._

_I decide to stop by my locker first, this way I'd get all my stuff and not have to go back. I plug in my combination and open it up. I'm not really surprised to see a note in my locker. I sigh before taking the note and crumpling it into a ball and throwing it behind me, not bothering to glance at it. _

'_Stupid shitty ass threats.' They always say the same things. Things like disgusting, freak, dyke, pussy licker, and even the whole "straighten you out" shit every now and then. They always say things like that. Sure, I get beaten and teased a lot in school, but I've built up a tolerance for it. I probably wouldn't have if it wasn't for Ashley, though. But no one's gone so far as to actually "straighten me out". I don't think they ever will, but then again, they don't even know that I really am gay._

_I take the things I need and slam the locker shut, ignoring the looks and comments all around me. I stomp off into my homeroom and I take a seat. Another boring day of classes, how original. I've only been doing it my entire high school life. _

_That is weird. So far today, I haven't been attacked, teased, ambushed or bullied in any sort of way. Huh. That's strange. Oh well, maybe today's just an off day for everyone._

_I head off to out little hide out. That's right, I said "our". She kepts getting mad when I called hers, she said that it was ours. You have absolutely no clue how happy that made me. _

_She even gave me a key to the place. I was surprised when she did, I couldn't imagine anyone trusting me with such a thing, I still can't. I turn the corner and open the door, locking it behind me. I walk along the corridor until I find the room. I unlock the door but leave it open._

_Taking in deep breathes, I take in the scent of the slightly run down place known as our hang out. I take a seat and stare out the window, watching the sun come through the glass. I hear the doorknob jiggling and I snap my head around. I see Ashley's back turned to me, closing the door._

_She turns to face and smiles grow on our faces like forest fires._

"_Hey." She says with a wide grin on her face._

"_Hey." I say back, mirroring the grin on her face._

_She walks over to me happily, striding across the room._

"_Sooo, how was your day?" She asks me._

_She's acting all suspicious. Hmm_

"_Fine, why?" I eye her suspiciously. _

"_Oh nothing" She looks away, still smiling. _

_I sigh and glare at her. _

"_What did you do?" I continue to eye her. _

"_Nothing." She feigns innocence. _

"_Aw, c'mon, tell me." I plead._

_When I though it wasn't possible, the grin on her face grew wider, threatening to split her face in half._

"_Did you have any trouble today?" She asks._

_I think about it carefully. How does she know that? Other then the note, today, like I said, was unusually calm. _

"_No." I begin to eye her again._

"_How do you know that?" I ask her._

_She just shrugs her shoulders, turning her face around. _

"_Ash, how do you know that?" I ask her again, this time more sternly. _

"_I might have something to do with it." She says slyly. _

"_What? What did you do?" I ask in pure curiosity. _

"_Okay, don't be mad," She assures me. "all I did was ask some people to back off of you." _

_I don't move, all I do is stare at her. No one's ever done anything like that for me. I can feel my heart slowly melting, and I get up and walk on over to where she's standing. She seems confused at first, then she shuts her eyes tightly in fear. Much to her surprise, I wrap my arms tightly around her form._

"_Thank you." I say quietly. _

_I pull back from her and see her grinning face._

"_You're welcome." We both shyly look down, suddenly finding our shoes interesting._

_We finally look up to each other and proceed to eat the rest of our lunch._

_We make small talk and chat for the rest of the lunch, as usual, time flies._

"_We should go out sometimes." She quips._

"_Go out?" I ask, blushing._

"_Yeah, maybe hit the mall. Go cruising for chicks." She winks at me jokingly. I decide to grow bold._

"_Why should I go to the mall when I have one right here?" I grin at her._

_She burst out laughing on my account. I raise my eyebrow, looking at her confusedly._

"_What're you laughing at?" I ask amusedly._

"_Oh nothing, just never knew you'd be so….daring." She manages to get out between fits of laughter. I pout at her comment and she finally looks to me with a smile._

"_Aww, you're so cute when you do that." She coos out._

_Cute? Do what?_

"_What am I doing?" I give her a confused expression._

"_That!" She points to me._

"_What? What am I going?" _

"_See, you're doing it again!" She laughs out._

_I don't get it. What the hell is she talking about?_

"_What? Tell me." I plead out._

_She continues to laugh at my expense. After finally calming down, she looks me in the eye._

"_That thing where you tilt your head to the side like that." _

_Tilt my head? I'm tilting my head? What?! Really?! Oh wait, I am. I never even knew. How long have I been doing that? How come I never knew? I must be weird then. She must think I'm weird now. _

_She snaps her fingers in my face, immediately taking me out of my trance._

"_Spence, wake up." She chuckles out._

"_Huh, what?" I look to her, confused._

_She proceeds to chuckle lightly._

"_You're too cute, you know that?" _

_I pout to her once more._

"_I'm not cute, and you know it."_

_Se looks to me, eyes wide._

"_Spence, what're you talking about?!" _

_I wince in shock at the volume of her voice. Why is she yelling?_

"_What?" _

"_How could you even think that? Spence, you're absolutely adorable" She tells me, determined to make me see it her way._

"_You're just lying now." I say sadly, looking down. I really don't want to talk about this anymore._

"_No Spence, I'm not lying. She tells me, I still don't believe her. _

_I scoff sadly at her comment. "How can I be beautiful? I'm not stylish, or thin, and my hair's a mess" I tell her, I still can't lose the sad tone in my voice._

"_Spence, you're gorgeous. You're like one of those people who only need to take off their glasses and fix up their hair a bit and then all of a sudden, you have someone who looks like they could be Ms. America." She smiles to me._

"_You're lying. This isn't a movie, and I'm not Anne Hathaway. Besides, it's not like you've ever seen me without my glasses." I throw back at her. _

"_Then why don't I?" She brings her hand up to my face, taking off my glasses. With a smirk painted on her face, she wipes my bangs to the side of face. _

_When I see her face, I feel as though my heart will stop, but even worse, it looks as though her would. She looks so clear. This has never happened before. Normally, I'm so blind that all I can see are colours, but her…but she looks as clear as day, even better then with my glasses. Her warm, chocolate brown eyes are sparkling. _

_I'm frozen, but she is too. She just stares at me, a look of awe and disbelief across her face. Her mouth parted slightly, eyes glittering, her hand never moving from brushing away my bangs._

_What's wrong? Is he okay? Has she now realized how ugly I am?_

_Neither of us say a word, silence engulfs the room. Minutes pass and it seems like ours, neither having moved from their frozen spots._

_I don't care though. I could stay like this forever. If she's here with me, then it doesn't even matter if the world ends. _

_She looks heavenly, the sun coming in from the window is giving her a halo. I fee like I'm falling deep into her eyes. I feel like those dark orbs are swallowing me whole, capturing me, holding me down, keeping me from moving, slowly killing me._

_I can't breath, I don't think I am. I don't know what she's thinking; I don't know what she's doing. That's what's killing me. But the horrible part is, I can't tear my eyes off of her._

_The silence is broken almost as soon as it began. It was like before, nothing more then a silent whisper. Quiet to the point that I'm sure, even to herself, it was barely audible. I don't know what it means. I don't know the significance of the word, but it's so striking. It feels like a slap in the face, but at the same time, her soft tone made my heart skip a beat. Her face didn't change at all when she said it, as though she merely breathed out the word, softly without taking in breath._

"_Blue." _

_Such a single word has so much meaning, only I don't know it. The single word feels to be delving deep into my soul, clutching at my heart, gnawing at my head, destroying my being. _

_I didn't even blink, I made no motion to move, my eyes are still searching hers, all in the same fashion that she's doing to me. The word is still echoing in my mind, thumping loud, much like a loud bass amp at a party, where it seems as though you're whole world is shaking. _

_Then, all of a sudden, my shaking world is brought down before me. Her eyes are glittering, sparkling, as though they were just brought to life. The chocolate brown turn lighter, into lighter shade of hazel. A small smile starts to creep up to her parted lips, but it's miniscule, as though it was only a tiny muscle movement. _

_Her eyes are screaming in astonishment, awe, wonder. Her eyes are searching mine, looking deeply as though there is hidden treasure in them, as though the answer to life's greatest mysteries are hidden in them._

_I still don't know what she's thinking, what's going through her head. I don't know anything. I don't even know if my hearts still beating. _

_The silence in the room is yelling, shouting, screaming volumes, but I don't know what it's saying. Only about a minute passes since she spoke, but in that time, it feels as though millions of thoughts have already run themselves through my head. Our gaze fixed on each other. I don't think it's been too long, but so far, it's felt like forever. _

_I can feel her hand move. It rises up to my face, gently cupping my cheek. Our trance is broken._

_I blink a few times, finally tearing my eyes away from her to slightly turn my head. I can still feel her eyes on me. I can feel her eyes probing my face, jumping from feature to feature, as if I was the most interesting thing in the world. Her soft, warm, yet callused hand is placed on my cheek, the other still pushing away my bangs._

_I finally turn to her, and again, brown meets blue._

"_Ash" I manage to get out. _

_There is a large smile on her face, I can't quite place it though._

"_Spencer." She says, her voice returning to normal, no longer so soft and quiet. A smile is dancing on her lips, eyes are still sparkling magnificently. _

"_Spencer, promise me something." She calls to me, and though a smile graces her face, her tone seems almost desperate. _

"_Yeah, Ash?" My eyes are travelling all over her face, trying to place her emotions. _

"_Promise me that you'll never let anyone see your eyes." She lets out._

_Why does she want that._

"_But why wou-" _

"_Just promise me, okay?" She cuts off. I don't understand, are my eyes that bad?_

"_I promise. But Ashley, why do you want that?" I look to her with a confused expression._

"_I'll tell you one day, Spence. Just not today." _

"_What about tomorrow?" I ask hopeful._

_She laughs out as a response. _

"_No Spence, not tomorrow either." _

_I pout to her before she proceeds to laugh out again. I give her a smile when I hear her laughter. This is it, this si heaven._

_We spend the rest of lunch in the room, and she turns to tell me something before we part. _

"_Hey, Spence."_

"_Yeah, Ash?" _

"_Come to the quad tomorrow." I stare at her, mouth agape. What?!!_

"_But-"_

"_No buts. Don't worry about anyone else, I'll protect you. Just come." She does her signature nose crinkling smile and I can feel my heart melting. I sigh before turning in my response. _

"_Okay, fine." _

_She gives me another smile before she waves then turns to leave. That girl is going to be the death of me. I take another sigh and head off to face the rest of the day. _

_I go through my classes normally. It's still really weird how people are being "nice" to me though. It's not uncomfortable, it's just unsettling. It feels like people will jump me any second now._

_Glen and I went home together. Clay has some strange brain contest thing that takes place in another city, so he went be back till late tomorrow. _

_I'm still a bit nervous about tomorrow. I mean, why does she want to bring me there anyway? I take the matter out of my head and push it to that back of my mind. No point in worrying. _

_I lay on my soft bed, mind wandering. It all feels so surreal, everything up until this point. It feels like, any second now, I'll wake up only to cry myself back to sleep. I'm actually scared now. Now that I have her, I'm scared that she'll leave, but for some reason, there's a calm feeling in me, a feeling that's telling me that I don't have to worry, so I won't._

_I can feel my mind slowly wandering until..._

_------------------_

_Soo? How'd you like it? Or hate it? I know that it's badly edited, but my beta ditched me... so, yeah. But she'll be back. Anyways, comments are apppreciated! _


	10. Chapter 10

Okay, you guys are all gonna hate meforputting up this chapter. But it is absolutely necessary. I'm telling you now, it may contain things that will make you want to hurt me. So, if you think that might try to, please stop and get off the page.

On the other hand! I love comments! So please, if you have the time, then comment. Also, there might be a lot of grammatical errors, I'm sorry...

Chapter 10

_I stretch out my limbs, yawning as I do so. What should I do? I still don't know what to do? Yesterday, I was feeling so confident, but now I don't know what to think. Oh God, what's gonna happen? _

'_Don't worry. It'll be fine, as long as nothing happens.' _

_I take a deep breath before proceeding to get up off of my bed. I let out another long yawn then rub my eyes. I go to the bathroom and fill out my morning routine then head down to breakfast. _

_**I shouldn't have gotten up.**_

_It's pretty much the same as yesterday, dad not acknowledging my existence but then instantly lighting up as Glen comes down. _

"_Hey dad." Glen chimes in as he walks through the kitchen. _

"_Morning son." Dad beams back. _

_And as usual, I sit there, watching their animated interaction._

_**Why do you love him but…**_

_I quickly eat my breakfast and leave the room when I see that it's time to go. Mom left early in the morning so she's not here. Glen beats me to the car this time; he starts the car and pulls out, it seems as though he's going to drive off. _

_I don't mind, it'll give me an excuse not to be there today. But to my immediate surprise, he doesn't drive off and instead… get this… he actually opens the door for me from his side of the car. What the hell is going on?_

_He doesn't look me in the eye when I get in, but I eye him suspiciously. Since when did he develop manners?_

_**He didn't…**_

_Oh right. I remember now. Ashley did say that she asked some people to back off. Maybe Glen is one of them. Figuring that that could be the only sane and possible reason, I stop staring and let out a long sigh. _

_I get out of the car when we get to school. I walk over to my locker in lighter mood, though still nervous. I open my locker and I'm not surprised to see, yet another note. I take the folded note and read it aloud._

"_We will show you God's intentions." How stupid is that?_

_**I could've listened.**_

'_What does that even mean?' Whatever, the notes never really hurt me. I wonder who it is though. I'm surprised it hasn't stopped, everything else has. That person must not be afraid of Ashley cause… Ugh, what am I thinking? I'm acting like she's my stinkin bodyguard. _

_I rip the note to pieces and get my stuff, heading off to my first class. _

_Like yesterday, my classes were fairly uneventful. People gave me weird stares and glares as I walked by, but nothing thrown at me, no one tripping me, no graffiti on my desks. It's really freaking me out though. It's really weird not having to be careful of juice and food flying your way, or meeting the floor every so often to see if there's a foot there, waiting to trip you. _

_**I shouldn't have.**_

_Yet for some reason, it all calms me down. It makes me feel slightly bit safer about lunch today. Though, despite the fact I'm saying this, it doesn't necessarily calm down the beating of my heart, one which is now beating at 180 beats per minute. Should I be dead? I think most normal people would be dead._

_5…_

_4…_

_3…_

_2…_

_1…_

_**It was my countdown.**_

_Oh, there goes the bell. I linger in my seat, letting the class all filter out. When I'm finally the last one here, I gather my stuff and slowly head for the door._

_**I could've stayed.**_

_I walk through the door and turn arou- Ahhh!_

'_Holy friggin shit, that scared me!'_

"_Ashley, you shouldn't lurk beside doorways like that! You'll give people a heart attack!" I scold her, proceeding to catch my breath, my hand over my racing heart._

"_Sorry Spence. I just never knew you would react like that." She says in between fits of laughter._

_This is exactly what I mean when I talk about being wary and on guard! I probably would've noticed her there if I was on guard._

'_What? I would.' I totally would've. I mean, I've been doing it for my entire high school life, there's no way I wouldn't have been able to notice her presence. I'm like a ninja now. Yup I'm a geek, I know._

_I let out a large sigh to release all the pressure inside of me, finally looking her in the eyes. She finally stops he laughter and grins at me._

"_Soo… you coming?" She says, a mischievous grin on her face._

_I groan and let out another sigh._

"_You actually came here to check if I ran away?" I pout towards her, acting slightly offended._

"_Noo…just… escorting you, that's all." The smile playing on her lips tell me she's lying._

"_You liar." I stick my tongue out at her and she laughs before grabbing my hand and dragging me with her._

_**I could've ran.**_

_The connection between her hand and mine sends shivers down my back, and all the worries I ever had disappear. It feels…good, like everything will be alright._

_**I…**_

_We're only a few paces away from the quad, about ten feet or so._

_**9…**_

_**8…**_

_**7…**_

_**6…**_

_I look to Ashley who is still smiling._

_**4…**_

_**3…**_

_**2…**_

_I look to the people in front of me. Aiden, along with everyone else, seem very displeased to see me. I stop dead in my tracks, only two steps away from them. I must say, they are intimidating! Ashley must've seen my nervousness, cause all I feel is her comforting hand on my back. I look to her eyes, and the warm smile she gives me tells me everything will be okay. I take a step forward._

_**1…**_

_I'm facing them now, and pretty much everyone, aside from Ashley, is giving me a dirty look. I laugh a little nervously._

"_Uh…hi!" I manage to squeak out, my voice no louder then a mouse's. They ignore my small voice. I look to Aiden as he proceeds to peel his glare off of me. His eyes land on Ashley and I see his face visibly soften. It looks as though he's completely forgotten about my existence, not that I mind. Everyone else though, still manages to see my miserable existence, and continue to make me feel unwanted with their uncomfortable glares._

"_Hey guys." Ashley beams to them._

_A chorus of "Hey's" and "Hello's" make their way to us._

_Ashley, ever the brave one, breaks the impending silence. "I wanted to intr-"_

"_Ashley" Aiden interrupts, a strong twinkle in his eyes. He looks…happy almost._

_Ashley sighs before turning to Aiden._

"_Yeah Aid, what is it?" She's trying not to sound too uninterested, I can tell though._

_To me and Ashley's surprise, he gets up off the bench then jumps up on the table in the middle of the quad. What the hell is he doing?! I look to the people around me; they're all grinning towards him, and every now and then, looking to Ashley, gauging her reaction. I look to Ashley and it seems that she didn't know anything about this either, the shocked and confused look on her face explains it. _

"_Aiden, what're you doing? Get down from there!" Ashley hisses at him. _

"_No Ashley, I have something to show you." He beams, a confident smirk crosses his face. He pumps his muscles, making strong arm posses._

_Ashley looks frightened, terrified as to what will happen. Aiden grabs the midsection of his shirt and, in a hulk like manner, rips off the shirt, yelling and screaming to add dramatic effect. _

_Everyone is staring at us now, much like Ashley and I, they're all wondering what the fuck is going on. Ashley's friends are all still grinning and smiling cockily._

'_Dammit! What the hell is going on here?!' Ugh, it's so annoying to be kept out of the loop._

_When Aiden is done ripping off his shirt, he reveals the hidden message under it._

"_Ashley Davies, will you go out with me?" He yells out, his words matching the ones written on his chest. On his abs are two checkboxes, one with a "yes" beside it, and the other with a "maybe"._

_My breath hitches, heart racing again, I furrow my eyebrows and gape at him. She's not gonna go for it! She won't say yes! She's gay! I scream at him from the confines of my head. _

_**It didn't matter.**_

_My head snaps to Ashley, who, much like me, is gaping at him. I feel like I can hear the gears grinding inside her head, trying to process the new information. I look to Ashley's friends; Madison is smiling haughtily towards Ashley before turning to me to give me a mischievous smirk_

_I look back and forth between the three subjects, not getting involved, but not backing off either. What the hell is Ashley doing? Why won't she just say no? I turn to Ashley in disbelief. She stops gaping at Aiden then spins slightly to look at Madison. She eyes Madison and it looks as though they're having their own little, wordless conversation. No one says a word, though it looks as though they're arguing intensely. Every so often, Madison gestures her head towards Aiden's direction, still smirking, she waits expectantly. _

_A look of realization comes across Ashley's face. She sighs deeply before bringing her hand up to her temples, rubbing them softly. She casts her eyes down for a moment, then finally turns to me, an apologetic looks comes across her face._

_What does that mean? Why is she showing me that face? 'Don't show me that face! I don't get it, what're you gonna do?' I continue to look at Ashley in pure disbelief, my form tense, heart pumping at incredible speeds. _

_She bites her lip and sorrow flashes across her face. She tears her eyes away from me and looks to Aiden. From the corner of my eye, I can see Madison with the largest, shit-eating smirk on her face. _

_Aiden grins as Ashley tentatively steps towards him, handing Ashley a marker he gets on his knees on the table so that Ashley can reach. _

_I don't get it…What is she doing? Why is she… 'Didn't you say you weren't gonna… I thought you said…' _

_Millions of thoughts pacing, running, sprinting inside my head._

'_No…Don't tell me…'_

"_What are you doing?!" I hear my own voice speak outl._

_Everyone's attention is pulled away from her and is now on me. Ashley looks to me with a flash of confusion and annoyance on her face._

"_What?!" Madison snaps out. _

_I ignore her and continue to face Ashley. _

"_Why're you doing this?" I ask her and her alone. _

_She looks to me with the same look as before. "What're you doing?" She hisses at me quietly. _

_What am __**I**__ doing? What is __**she **__doing?! _

_**I should've known.**_

"_What's going on?" Aiden joins in._

"_Nothing." Ashley says, her voice dripping in annoyance. _

_The expression on her face tells me she's annoyed, but that's not it, there's more. There's sympathy, but I don't want sympathy. I want her to tell him._

"_Look, I get why you're doing this, but why don't you just tell him the truth?" I tell her quietly, trying to keep my calm exposure, all the while ignoring all the confused expressions thrown my way. _

'_Why're you doing this? I don't understand, this is the perfect chance to tell everyone. Why not free yourself from all these labels?' Why can't she understand that her lying to herself won't change a thing, and instead, make her more miserable?_

"_Someone better tell me what the hell is going on?! Ashley, what the hell is this dyke talking about?!" Madison calls out. I see Ashley cringe slightly at the word dyke._

_Ashley faces her, eyebrows furrowed. "Nothing okay! Just-" _

"_Nothing?!" I cut her off. "In what way is this 'nothing'?!" '_

'_Why won't you just…' Argh! My heart is pumping more, anger and disbelief setting in. _

"_Spencer, just shush!" She tells me. Her eyes are pleading for me to stop, and I almost do. Almost. _

"_No Ashley!" I sigh heavily. _

"_Spencer!" Ashley calls my name, a warning tone coating her voice. _

"_No Ashley, answer my question!" _

"_Spencer, do __**not**__ do this right now." Her voice is containing a tone that seems as though it was warning me. _

"_No Ashley! Tell me why you can't tell them!" _

"_You know why!" She yells out_

"_No I don't. I can't think of any good reason as to why you would." I tell her, my voice determined._

"_Then why don't you ask yourself that question?" She throws back at me. Ouch, that was a low blow. _

"_It's different with me! They care about you, they won't just brush you off." I tell her, trying me hardest to convince her._

"_No it's not. So please, just shut up Spence."_

"_Look you stupid dyke, why don't you just shut up, you don't know anything!" Aiden snarls at me._

_**It all went by so fast.**_

"_Why can't you just see…" My face softens as I ignore Aiden's comment. _

"_See?! There's nothing to see Spencer!" The annoyance in her face is turning into aggravation. _

"_Of course there is Ashley! If I know, I'm sure they'll understand eventually." I plead with her._

"_Know?! You don't know anything!" She snaps at me and I see her face visibly soften in regret as she meets mine. My heart is burning and tears are growing on the brim of my eyes. _

_**I could've not said it…**_

"_Of course I know Ashley," I say in a quiet voice my tone begging, pleading, asking her to understand, to accept. _

"_Because only I see you." Dammit! I can't stop my voice from cracking. _

"_Don't you see? I saw you, who cried when you weren't able to help someone in need. I saw you, who sung songs alone because you were scared of people finding out their meaning. I saw you, who screamed in her head, and cried in her mind." I take a deep breath. "I see the part of you that hides away because you're scared of what people will think of you." I look only to her and her mouth is agape, eyebrows furrowed, trying to make sense of what I just said. _

"_I saw you when you cried on my shoulder that day, confused about yourself." I say in a quiet whisper, but I have no doubt in my mind that everyone heard it. _

_I look to her again, the anger that once held her face changes… to fear. Her eyes grow wide in realization and I can hear the whispers in the background, Ashley's eyes are darting back and forth between the crowd. _

"_Shut up!" She yells out when her face finally meets mine. _

_It's my turn to gape at her. What is she doing?! I grit my teeth in order to stop the tears falling from my eyes. People around us are talking intently, but I don't look anywhere else beside Ashley. _

"_Why don't you just say it Ash?!" I yell out, everyone's talking ceases to watch me. _

"_Why can't you see that there's nothing wrong with you being gay?!" I shout in disbelief. I hear the crowd go into a flurry of gasps and immediate conversation. Her eyes jump between the crowd of people around us, she's sweating profusely and her eyes turn into large orbs, wide in fear. _

"_She's lying!" She cries out. _

…_I…How could she even say that? I feel something shatter a little inside. _

_**One**_

_The crowd is getting restless, people are looking at us with large belief, and Ashley is still looking around, panicking. Tell them…please._

_The panic in her eyes starts to slowly disappear, instead, growing into something more…anger. I can almost hear her heart pounding in her chest, I feel like it's in sync with mine. Her eyes are burning, teeth gritting. She's glaring at me in both disbelief and anger, and another emotion. I know that emotion well…betrayal. _

"_It's not true!" She yells out again, snapping her gaping friends out of their trances. _

"_Yeah! So just shut up, you stupid dyke!" Aiden calls out._

_Aiden jumps down from the table, anger also present in his eyes. He starts to glare me down alone with Ashley's friends. I take a tentative step back but continue to meet Ashley's face, looking around the mass of people. _

"_Why won't you accept it?" My voice is quiet, a small whisper, again only directed to her. I don't bother to stop the tears that are running down my face. It doesn't matter, none of it does, only her. The fire in her eyes slowly grows cold, stone cold. A glaze starts to cover her eyes, and the warm chocolate colour it once was turns into a glazed-over dark umber. Her lips form a tight line, her eyes glaring into me. The glae in her eyes make them look dead._

_I'm scared. 'Stop it! Don't look at me like that. Please don't…'_

"_Hey baby, you don't know anything about what she's talking about right?" Aiden walks over to her side._

"_No, not at all." She says, eyes still glaring at me. _

_Aiden puts his arm on her shoulder. She turns to him, marker in hand, she crosses the "yes" box at his torso. Abruptly grabbing the side of his face, she brings herself up to him, planting a long sloppy kiss. _

_I tear my eyes away from the scene, my tear stained cheeks burning…along with my cheeks. _

_I…_

"_She's the one who's a dyke. She told me herself, Aid. And that day when you were drunk, you said that she was checking me out, it was true." I snap my head to her… 'What did you just…'_

_Her cold eyes are burning holes in me. The apathy in them is killing my soul, bit by bit. _

"_You little bitch!" Aiden snarls at me. He starts to stomp towards me. The rest of the guys from her group do the same. They make a small crowd around me. I back up and keep going until my back hits against a tree. My eyes are moving frantically between the five guys surrounding me. _

"_Ashley, just please tell them!" I plead with her, I can still see her through the tall wall of men in front of me. _

"_I don't know what you're talking about." Her voice is quiet, but laced with venom._

_**Two**_

_I feel another pain in my chest, it hurts so much. It feels as though something inside me is breaking, bit by bit, shattering into tiny pieces. _

"_Why you little dyke!" Aiden yells out in a rage, his long muscular fist connecting hard against my stomach. My back hits the large tree behind me and I slide down slightly. I'm cornered. Tears are falling harder down my face at the pain, a tear short of sobbing. _

_I look up, looking around for any sign of help. Glen! I see Glen from the distance blending in with the crowd of people, staring at me with conviction. _

"_Glen!" I call out at the top of my lungs._

"_Glen, help me!" I scream out between sobs, my voice desperate. _

_My eyes meet his, so many emotions are naked on his face… shame… disappointment … in me. _

"_Glen! Please help!" I call out again. But it doesn't matter, I know he won't hear it, because he's already walked away. No… that's wrong… he can hear it… he just chooses not to._

'_No! Please don't! Don't leave!' I feel another hard blow, this time across my face, sending me tumbling towards the floor._

_I look around again, looking for someone, anyone, who could help me. Out of the corner of my eye I see a teacher. Our eyes lock for a single second, and she looks away in fear. A hand held to the side of her face, trying her best to pretend that she didn't see me. _

_I don't bother trying to call out her name, or calling out for her help, she won't. I look around again, and I see the only person that could help me._

"_Ashley! Please help!" I scream to her, but she doesn't move, not making a single notion that she even recognizes me, other then the cold indifference evident in her face. I get up from the floor, running towards her with all my strength, trying to get past the wall of men. I'm being pushed back by two guys who are trying to keep me away. I claw at their backs in a desperate attempt to get through. I grab at their shirts and kick frantically, trying to fight my way out of the deadly corner. _

"_Ashley help!" I scream out again, my sobs never ceasing. _

_I'm pushed back on the floor, bruised increasing with each blow. I try and gain my breath but- _

"_Aarh!" I feel someone foot connecting harshly against my back, and I wince horribly._

"_Ahh!" I'm picked up by my arm and someone hits my across the face again, this time my glasses go flying. I land on my palms and knees and I feel the blood rushing down my nose, and the metallic taste in my mouth._

_I'm going to die here. No one's gonna help me. No one's gonna save me. I know it. I know it's futile, I know it won't work. So then why am I still doing it?_

"_Ashley!" My words are jumbled. I can hardly speak with the pool of blood in my mouth. _

_I hear chanting, screaming, shouting. It's faint, because all I can see is her, and I feel as though all I can hear is the sound of her heartbeat. _

_I hate this, because even now, as I'm on the floor, she still looks so clear, so mesmerizing in her beauty. Now, even as her figure is blurred by the tears in my eyes, she still looks beautiful. _

"_Please!" I scream out again, desperation evident in my voice, the pooled up blood spilling out of my mouth._

_Her figure never moving, face frozen as it once was. _

_I feel another blow to my face and my lip splits. I can faintly hear the crowds chanting. _

"_Dyke! Dyke! Dyke! Dyke!" The chanting continues as my screaming persists. I'm kicked once again in the chest. I try and scream again, but no words come out. My throat is dry except for the blood coating and pooling up inside. Their chanting is slowly getting louder to me. I don't move, instead I'm on the floor, knees to my chest, hands in front of me, trying desperately to block their kicks. Their kicks to my hands damage them, roughly, the tips of my fingernails cracking. My eyes however, are fixed on Ashley's face, I'm still begging her with my eyes, pleading her to help me. _

_Ashley! Help me! Please, it hurts! Please stop them!_

_Everything's getting blurry, all sounds are distorted, but for some reason, their chanting echoes in my head even louder, painfully throbbing in the confines of my sanity. My vision is going dark, consciousness fading. _

"_Dyke! Dyke! Dyke!" Their chanting are the only thing that I can hear now._

_Ashley, wait. I at least wanted to tell you…_

'_Ugh, where am I?' _

_I slowly open my eyes, the pain throbbing inside my head is pounding, echoing. It hurts so much._

_I manage to get my eyes open. I think I'm in the change rooms. I can see the blurry fluorescent lights, the tile under my palm verify it. I put all my energy in looking up. I'm in a stall, a shower stall. In front of me is the stall door, covering the entirearea except the last feet from the ceiling. _

_I try to bring my hand up to my face but I can't move. I looks to my hands, the skin all over them is skinned and bruised. The tips of my fingertips are cracked severely, the dried blood coating them. I can taste the metallic substance in my mouth still. I try to move my dry tongue, but I can't even do that. _

_I can't see my glasses anywhere, but then again, I can't really see anything at all. I can't move, not a single muscle. I can feel the bruises forming in my abdomen, I can feel the pain in my face, swollen and tear streaked. My breathing is terribly ragged, it's the only indication I have that I'm still alive. I see the blood from my skinned knees seep through my jeans. My back is against the wall on the side of the shower nozzle. _

_I wonder what time it is. How did I…_

_**Stop it! It hurts! **_

_I remember now, I was in the quad with Ashley when…_

_The events start to replay in my mind, flashes of the horrific scenes replaying over and over again. I can the hot tears coming down my, already, swollen face._

_My jeans are torn slightly, as well as my shirt. My shirt is stretched and dirty. My hair is messy, there's mud in them too. I turn my head slightly and the motion sends pain surging throughout my entire body. There are marks of their hands from when they grabbed my arms. The cuts are evident as I see them climb up my arm. _

_I try to open my mouth, but the blood coating my upper lip from my earlier nosebleed is stopping me. My busted lip is hurting, along with the rest of my body. The only amusing thing I can find in this situation is that I didn't get a tooth knocked out of me. _

_Other then the pain in my body, I'm harbouring another kind of pain. Ashley, she… I don't understand, why did she do that? Even though she said all of those things. Even though she let me see her, why did she deny it? Even though she said she's protect me, why didn't she? _

_But this way…no one else will see her. No one else will know the Ashley that I know. No one else will see the tears that she cries, or the know the emotions she feels, or the songs she sings. _

_I really wish I could move, I don't wanna be here. But where do I go? Home? Glen, he…he just walked away, even though he saw me, I'm sure he did…He just …doesn't care…_

_I feel the tears come down harder on my swollen face. I try to relax my eyes, try to unwind my tense body. The only sound in the room is the sound of my ragged breathing. All I can feel is the slow, uneven, rise and fall of my chest. _

_I wonder if I'm going to die here. How did I even get here? Mom and dad, what're they thinking? What are they doing? Glen left me. The teachers ignored me. Ashley, she…_

_No, I can't die here. Ashley, she… I'm sure she'll be back to normal. I know that she regret s it. I have to get up, I still have an assignment due for history class. Mom and dad will worry about me. Also, it's the end of the semester; I have finals to worry about, and only one more year till college. I still don't know if I'll pursue film or not. I haven't told mom and dad about it yet. _

_Something like this is just a normal day for me. I'll live; this is just a roadblock, just another bullying session. _

_I can feel my weak pulse thumping in unison to the rise and fall of my chest. The tears on my face stop flowing, I don't I can anymore, even if I wanted to. _

_I'll be fine, all I have to do is find a way out of here. I just need to find some way of getting out alive. There should be a janitor coming in, but I don't know what time it is, so I don't know what time they'll come. I could scream and yell, but I can't even move my tongue. _

_I can't move, I can't get out. I guess I'll just wait, there's no other option. _

_-------_

_Bam!_

_I hear the main door slam open and several footsteps coming in. It's been about half an hour since I woke up. I can hear the footsteps coming closer. I think they're wearing high heels, I can hear the clicks and clacks on the floor._

_Oh shit. _

_Why, when I finally calmed down, do they have to send my heartbeat racing through the roofs? Aw man. I really wanna run, I wanna shout, scream, even yell for help. I can't though. My body won't stinking move, it won't listen to me. I'm paralyzed. I can feel the cool beads of sweat running down the contours of my face. My tense body pounding with my heart, ragged breathing going faster._

_My stall door slams open, and four girls pour into the stall that I'm occupying. Madison stands in front of me with three other skanks, they all have their arms crossed and glares pointed. My uneven breathing is still the only thing that can be heard now that their footsteps have ceased. Madison and her three cronies hold their ground, only a foot or two from my own form where my legs are sprawled out. _

_I look past them. I look past the intimidating cheerleaders who might very well kill me. Instead I look to a pair of, once warm, brown eyes, My eyes train themselves on the girl who, like the others, has a defensive stance with her arms crossed. _

_It takes everything in me to slightly lift my head so that my eyes meet hers, and they do. Her stoic and indifferent face sends a surge of pain throughout my body. My limp form hangs lifelessly in her hands; she's the only one that can save me. _

_Herface is drowning my heart in sorrow. Her eyes stare at me nonchalantly, bored, as though I'm nothing more then garbage on the ground to her. The glaze in her eyes is still there. She leans on one foot, occasionally shifting her weight to the other. Her arms are crossed, but she's not tensed, and surprisingly, is quite relaxed with her slumped shoulders._

_Why is she just standing there? Ashley, please help. I know that you're not like that, like them. I know you don't really feel that way. I'm looking. I'm looking for something, anything, in her heart rendering brown eyes. I'm looking for any sign of emotion, regret, feeling. I don't see any._

_The silence is broken, and normally my head would snap to Madison's direction, considering that the sound came from her; but not now. I have to keep looking. _

_Madison is still talking, but I have no clue what she's saying, they don't really exist to me right now. I really can't hear what Madison's saying either way. It's like one of those times when all you hear are these strange garbled sounds, ones that can only be described as an alien language. I do know that she's saying it loud however. The sound is echoing in the small stall and hitting me. It's really hurting my ears, but so what?_

_I'm still searching Ashley's eyes, trying to dig inside of them. I'm sure if you were to look in my own, you would see a pair of pleading orbs. But that's alright, because that's exactly what I'm doing, begging. _

_I can hear Madison's voice getting louder, more shrill, with the other cronies joining the yelling. Like I said, their words don't make any sense to me, so I, not for a single second, falter my stare from hers._

_Out of the corner f my eye, I see Madison and the others take a step towards me. She leans down to eye level, while I turn my head to look around Madison, not breaking any eye contact with her. Madison moves towards me, moving so that her mouth is next to my ear. She says something that I'm obviously not listening to. She pulls back and stands up again. I don't do anything, not even changing my facial expression at her unknown words. I couldn't understand, but from her tone, I'd guess that it was a threat. _

'_Ashley, please help me.' I can't help my mind from pleading. _

_Madison comes closer again and kicks my foot and yells at me. I clench my teeth at the obvious pain, but trying hard to continue eye contact with her. I can almost feel Madison's frustrations at my lack of reaction. She kicks me in the gut, and I repeat my action, gathering up all my strength in trying not to scream._

'_Ashley, please help me.' I whisper within the confines of my mind, but scream through the emotions in my eyes. 'Please help me, I know you're not that kind of a person. I know you wouldn't leave me here like this. I know you, I'm the only one. So why? Why aren't you moving to pull them away from me? Why are you looking at me with such dead eyes?'_

_No, I know her. She wouldn't just stand there, so what's going on? 'Please help me Ashley, I know you, I saw you! I know you wouldn't do that. I know that the person that I saw wouldn't do this. So why?! Why're you doing this? Is it for the popularity?! Is it because you still don't know for sure?! You can still have those! It shouldn't matter that you're gay, it shouldn't. It shouldn't matter that matter that you choose to love someone that most girls don't. You can still take your time in accepting yourself!'_

_My eyes are yelling, screaming all sorts of emotions at her. _

_Madison continues to take kicks at me, each blow worse then the last. I continue to suppress my screams. She crouches down to eye level again, this time she's beside me. She pulls my head up, pulling my hair. She says something, and her and her cronies let out a laugh._

_My eyes are still preoccupied with their mission._

_I don't get it… 'You let me see you, the real you. You cried on my shoulder when you finally admitted you were gay. You laughed with me and made jokes about it. You flirted jokingly, but told me I was beautiful. You told me that I was a better friend then they ever were. You sang me songs that you would never have let them hear. So why…? Why're you doing this Ashley, when I saw you. Why, when I'm the only that can see you…?_

_The emptiness in her eyes, echoing in my soul…_

…

_**STOP! It hurts …! Stop it. Stop breaking my heart… **_

…_**Three…**_

…

_Oh…I get it. Haha. That's why. 'You're exactly the same as them. You don't really care do you? All you care about is the popularity, and about what others think of you. You aren't any different from Glen and Clay, and the rest of the people who pretend that they have feelings.' _

_I always thought she was different. 'So you lied to me. You lied when you said that I was your friend, just stringing me along. Haha. You __**are **__the same them. You were probably holding back your jokes and laughter at my pathetic being._

_You don't even care about yourself, do you? You don't care that you'll spend the rest of your life as a breeding machine to the idiot you choose to spend the rest of your life with. You don't care about lying to yourself for the rest of your life. _

_You're all the same. All of you are goinf to go through life trying to live up to someone else's standards. Not me, not anymore. I won't be like you. I won't. I refuse to live the rest of my life, hating myself.'_

_After what seems to be forever, I break contact with her. There's no point, there's nothing in those eyes. Just like there's nothing in mine, not anymore. _

_**Why did you choose them?**_

_Madison's hits don't relent, this time slapping me across the face. I finally look to her and her eyes react. A cocky smirk grows on her face, but it soon turns into a fiery anger as I continue to giver her an expressionless face. She's burning now, fuming. She turns away from me and starts to whisper to her cronies. _

_Why don't they just get it over with? I don't need it anymore, this pain. There's no point in going through all this pain for nothing._

_Madison turns back to me. She does something over my head, touching the wall I'm leaning against. I don't care enough to look up at what she's doing. Wait, what is that? I hear so-_

"_Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!" _

_The sound finally forces it's way though my form, painfully, as I feel the scorching hot water run down my aching body. My screams echo throughout the entire room, my eyes watering in pain. My dry throat unable to support my loud screams, so the blood coating it does all the work._

_The burning hot water painfully scalds my aching bruises and cuts, pounding hard against the flesh, or through the cloth hiding it. _

_I can hear the running water rush through the pipes, but it seems to be all drowned out to the sound of my screaming voice. My eyes are at their widest, feeling as though they're about to burst out. My entire body is shaking, but making no successful move in turning away from the scalding water. _

'_Move! I have to move. It hurts so much!' I need to get up, trying weakly to move my feet. Madison sees my movement, then says something to her cronies. They maker their war over to me, holding my shoulders against the wall, stopping my attempted escape, and chattering all hole of breaking off. _

_Madison brings her hands up to the wall again, moving in a manner that she doesn't get wet, she adjusts it and i-_

"_Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"_

_I scream out even harder, as the scorching water becomes even hotter. It seems as though it's burning through my skin, melting the any cloth between it and my wounds. _

_I look to Ashley, her face as blank as before, my own eyes are dead. I tear away my watery orbs away from her._

_I can feel myself drifting… leaving… I…_

_**I love you, you know? **_

**_--------------_**

**_Soo... How'd you like it? Or hate it? _**


	11. Chapter 11

Hey guys! This is my new chapter! You probably will not like the fact that it's in Ashley's point of view, but you should really read it, it's very informative. Also, I just wanted to inform you all that I'm gonna go more in depth with some of the characters, I find that a lot of them are way too two dimensional. Anyways, here it is.

Also, I love all your comments and am quite happy to have incited o much emotion. Comments are MUCH appreciated, and they fuel me up!

Chapter 11

*Ashley's P.O.V*

I don't know what's up with that crazy chick, but I'm not gonna let her get to me. Seriously though, she keeps on saying things that she expects me to know about, then takes it back, saying that it was nothing! Who the hell is she anyway?! Maybe if she would stop being so cryptic and running away, I would actually know what she's talking about. But noo, instead she chooses to blurt something out, then say she didn't mean it, then flee. It's getting really tiring.

Doesn't matter to me anymore though, none of business, not that she cares. Who wants to be around a girl who criticizes you for being gay, when she's gay herself?! I- Wait… I'm pretty sure I'm going in circles now.

Okay…just forget about her. Forget about her and her annoying self. Forget her irritating dull eyes, loud obnoxious voice, her burning glare, or sultry voice, and perfect skin, her beautifully sculpted face, long eyelashes, voluptuous lips, those legs that run for miles, her g-…Dammit! Bad Ashley! Stop!

Ugh. I think I'm drooling.

I let out a large yawn and stretch my arm slightly in the convertible. I blink a few times, keeping my eyes on the road. Aiden said that he's meet me at the studio. He said that he didn't want to wait for me. I mean, I oversleep a _tiny_ bit, and he gets all over my case. I couldn't help it, I couldn't sleep. And, when I finally did fall asleep, I kept having that dream, so I couldn't wake up. But then again, I have that dream each night, sleeping is just an excuse to see it.

I park my car, but I don't see a certain someone's car parked near where it usually is. I enter the door tired and fatigues, everyone else looks like it too. I see Stan making his way over to me, and I resist the urge to sigh and tell him to fuck off. I silently grit my teeth as he stands in front of me.

"Ashley, it's good that you're here, but…"

I swear if the next words outta this guy are what I think they are, then I'll make sure that the next time I see him he'll be eating through a friggin straw!

"Spence's a bit late today…" He says in a meek and quiet voice, likely having read my very angry expression.

He just had to say it.

I clench my fists tightly at my side and I shut my eyes, doing my best to resist temptation. I can hear shuffling footsteps back away from me. I seethe quietly, and slowly open my eyes, letting the light filter in.

I walk past all the working crew, and head off to my dressing room, all in hopes of catching some Z's. I'm halfway there, when Aiden comes in front of me. What the hell is up with people and suddenly popping up in front of me?! He opens his mouth to say something but decides against it when he sees the scowl on my face and the growl in his direction.

"Yeah, Aiden?" I growl out in a low voice.

"Um…I guess you heard the news." He says, his voice just as meek as Stan's was.

"You bet your ass I did. Now, if you don't remove yourself from my way in three seconds, the next thing you will remember is falling on your ass and me using your face as a punching bag." I snarl out menacingly.

Yeah, I'm pissed. Can you really blame me? I mean, there I was this morning, having my ear talked off about how I should have a better attitude in doing this. I spent majority of my morning with someone lecturing me on how I'm always late, and how I shouldn't fall into the stereotype that most rock stars are always so late. Me, late? Ha! Nooo, in this case, it's the friggin director who's late! This better be one hella good video, cause if not I'm gonna blow a gasket.

Aiden stares at me wide eyed before slowly backing away. His hands are up and in front of him protectively, acting as though I'm some rabid animal who would bite him.

Once he's fully out of sight, I continue towards my room of salvation. I open the door and let out what seems to be the millionth sigh today. She's not even here and yet she still manages to find ways to annoy me. I flop down on the comfy coach and close my eyes.

Ugh, she's so annoying. She gets on my nerves and I want nothing to do with her. But then…why can't I stop thinking of her…

--------------

Bam!

Huh?! What?! I didn't do anything officer, its Aiden's not mine!

I jump up from the coach, frantically blinking in an attempt to trying to clear my eyes, scanning the room for the authorities.

"Wha-… Huh?... wh…"

I swear they're not mine! Drugs are disgusting, I threw up when I- I mean, No! It's not like I've tried it before or anythi…Wait, you're not the police.

In front of me is a familiar blond, hands on her knees, heaving heavily in an attempt to catch her breath, but staring at me intently. I stare at her confusedly, noting the tires lines on her face. I guess she didn't get much sleep either.

Seeing as she's still catching her breath, I decide to be the one that breaks the ice.

"Um… what are you doing here?" I inquire, gauging her face carefully.

She doesn't answer and lets the silence hit the room again as she furrows her eyebrows in search of words to say. Her breathing is evening out slightly, but her face is still flushed pink. I hate to admit it, but even tired, she looks adorable right now.

"Um…uh…yest….and….back….th-…."

Heh. What is she talking about? Ha! It's her turn to stutter now! But…it was kinda cute, you know? Kinda like a little kid trying to talk to their crush, not that I'm implying anything!

Shit! I was smirking. I wipe off the inconceivable smirk on my face and continue to stare at her.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, my voice coming out harsher then I intended.

She looks at me, searching for something, I can tell. But for what, I can't. She probes my eyes and I continue to hold my stance, before she sighs and breaks the, once again, awkward silence.

"Um- Uh… Nothing." She says, her gaze fixing itself on the ground, eyebrows continually furrowed.

Nothing my ass! It's a cold day in hell before I believe that shitty excuse. Hell, that's not even an excuse! It's just…nothing!

But…But…she's so friggin adorable! And the pouty way she said it, was just sickenly cute.

I let out a soft chuckle subconsciously. Once I hear my own voice through my ears, I stop my subconscious ministrations. Damn me and my inability to notice my own actions!

Ugh, but how the hell do I hate her? I mean, she's way too amusing. I must admit. Well yeah, sure she's an annoying, spoiled, stuck up, think-she-knows -me bitch, but her actions just now put a smile on my face. Did you hear me?! A smile! Well, more of a smirk, but who cares? I haven't seriously smiled since…well, since I came here. Oh the irony.

And can you blame me for being amused, the only side I've ever really seen on the girl is her backside, and that's usually before she runs away. And her form now… well, let's just say that this it quite different. It's kind of like seeing someone in a new light, only not as profound.

I let the smirk on my face grow.

"So, you just decided to storm in here, waking me up in the process, and act like a stammering idiot, all for 'nothing'?"

Haha. Thinking about it, it's actually quite funny. I can tell she's probably thinking the same thing.

"Yeah." She manages to get out.

'_Riiight.'_

"Well, okay then." I say, rolling my eyes, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

Wait! Shit! I'm not supposed to be friendly with her! Okay Davies, wipe that shit eating smirk off of your face.

I clear my throat, bringing my face back to normal.

"Well, since you're here let's get back to work." I tell her before she nods blankly. I suppress the want to giggle at her action.

We walk off and head out.

Let's get this over with.

-----------------

Am I dreaming? Did she just do what I thought she did? A truce. She just called a truce…Holy fucking shit! Pardon my language but I can't wrap my head around it. She's been on my case since I've got here, and now, when we're almost done, she calls a truce! Not that I'm complaining, hell I'm couldn't be happier. Still pisses the hell outta me though.

She actually told me what she wanted to make that shitty ass take work. You know what I hate even more? I actually thought that what she said made sense, and the take actually looked good.

Of course, I'm not acting out or anything. On the contrary, I'm being a good girl. I think we have a bit of a mutual feeling on this, we both want it to end. It's funny too, when the crew saw that we were finally getting along, you could actually hear the sighs of relief being released into the air.

Back on topic, we are almost done! Can you believe it?! I think I can hear Hallelujahs being sung! Today's the last day of shooting, after that I do have to do anything anymore.

Wait for it… "Cut!"

And we are done! I quickly jump up off of the set, as people sigh in relief. There is no doubt in my mind that we are all grateful it's over. I stretch some limbs and head off to the refreshments table, but my path is rudely blocked by, guess who, Stan. I sigh inwardly, not wanting to be rude on the last day of shooting.

"Ashley, you did good out there." He grins to me.

"Thank you for sticking it out." He says solemnly.

"Thanks, Stan. I'm just glad that it's all over." I tell him the truth.

"You and me both." He chuckles out.

I nod my head and the small silence is somewhat awkward.

"So, what do you have planned after this?"

"Well, if everything goes right, when the video premieres I'll be advertising my tour. Then hopefully, three months later I start touring across America. I tour for six months and visit 25 states." I smile. I'm on my way to fully living my dream.

"Wow, that's awesome! Just make sure not to forget about us when you're rich and famous." He jokes.

"Stan, are you forgetting that you guys are even more famous then I am, and probably will ever be. Unlike you guys, stars get boring and people tire of them, but directors and producers are the ones with the longer lasting jobs." I tell him, smile on my face. It's not a bad conversation, the topic's light and the mood is nice.

"Au contraire, Ashley. I mean, we're not the ones that people start screaming for when we walk by the street."

"True, but trust me, that's not really something that you want." I chuckle out, remembering many bad past experiences.

"So, what about you guys, what're you doing after this?" I ask him. So I'm curious about her, sue me.

"Well, we aren't really much into the music video industry, so we'll probably return to doing documentaries and maybe an indie film or two.

"Oh, that's cool." I try to sound not too interested.

"Hey, if you don't mind me asking, why did you guys agree to do my music video if you usually don't do P.V.'s?"

I swear that I saw him blush just now.

"Well, your label sent out a request for us. But as you know, we're quite famous and we get lots of requests, we rarely ever take the music video ones since, once again, it's not really our forte. But when I found out that it was you we were going to do a video for, I was ecstatic. I'm personally a big fan, both you and your dad." He says that past part somewhat shyly.

"That's cool. My dad was an awesome musician." I give him a small, proud smile.

"Yes he was, but so are you." He says supportively.

"I'm okay, I'm nothing compared to him though."

"Are you crazy?! You are amazing, it's been awesome working with you. When I found out your label sent a request for you, I just had to do it. Normally, I get Spencer's permission first, but considering her hermit-like life, she probably wouldn't even know you. Of course, she got a bit mad that I did it without asking, but all's well that ends well."

I let out a soft chuckle.

"So, I guess it's safe to assume that you're my number one fan." I joke at him.

"Of course! I have a copy of your original demo c.d. I have pretty much every magazine you ever appeared in. I still remember the controversy a few years back when you discovered your sister, and then you had that breakdown shortly after. I remember the news was all filled about how she might have caused it…Actually…if you don't mind me asking…did she?"

Ah, the good ol' Kyla question. I don't know how many times I've been asked this. I'll say the same thing that I said to the first million reporters who asked me that shitty question.

"I…"

What? What do you want me to say? I honestly don't know. I don't really remember anything from that time. I remember that I felt sad, angry, guilty, and a whole bunch of other emotions, but I don't remember why. Apparently, I went to therapy, another thing I know nothing about.

I remember meeting Kyla and hating her, then I remember breaking down, but I don't know why. I especially don't remember these so called "therapy sessions". I remember my second breakdown, but like before, I don't remember why. Then…everything felt…different. Nicer. I remember feeling a lot lighter. I remember Aiden telling me that I might've lost some memories, that I suppressed them.

He started asking me a bunch of questions about a bunch of different things, then he suddenly focused all of them on high school. Some of them I could answer, others I couldn't. I remember the press trying to dig up dirt on my past by back tracking some old classmates. They traced back a lot of people, they even interrogated some teachers. To my surprise, no one said anything too far from what I remember. They all talked about how I was popular, but sometimes would occasionally bully a freshman or two. But even saying only that took a hard blow on my reputation.

Though that was the thing I never got. If, from what I heard, nothing bad happened in high school, then why would I suppress any memories?

When I asked Aiden, he said that he didn't know what it was that I was suppressing. For some reason, I never fully believed him. But doesn't matter cause he said that he would rather I don't remember at all if it would send me doing the same thing again.

That was nice of him. I have to admit, he's come a long way from being my possessive boyfriend in high school. It makes me sad cause I know he really loved me. I'm just lucky that he's still by my side.

I see someone snapping their fingers in my face, and I break out of my trance.

"Are you okay?" Stan asks, worry covering his face.

I give him a small smile and he gives one back.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say quietly.

"Are you sure, cause you spaced out quite a bit there?" He says, playful smile on his face.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm not normally the type to space out, it's just…"

"You don't have to explain yourself. I get that everyone had some things that they don't really want to talk about." He gives me a reassuring smile, and I feel a small weight lift off of my shoulders.

We continue to talk for a bit before I excuse myself in order to get some food.

----------------

Well, that didn't last very long, now did it. I swear, that girl is moodier then pregnant women! First she's absolutely fine, and next she's totally bitching at everyone. She yelled at Stan for standing around and not doing anything and she screamed at the crew for taking too long in packing up.

She hasn't directly yelled at me yet, but don't think that I, even for one second, missed those unhealthy glares she's sent my way. So, what do I do? Easy, I avoid her. Truth be told, her crankiness is quite contagious. She's got half the crew muttering profanities under their breath, completely putting them off their good graces. Hell, she's even got me doing it!

She is one powerful women I must say that at least. Something about her just effects everyone's moods. I shut my eyes, as I take a big yawn and stretch.

"Oof"

I feel someone bump into me, hard. I see the figure fall towards the floor, as I head towards the hard ground myself.

"Hey watch where you're-" She stops immediately.

I see the familiar blond turn away from me and feel for something on the floor. Huh, she has the right to say something like that? Like hell she does! Why the hell is she so shitting bitchy?!

"Excuse me?!" I say to her, my voice angry and obviously annoyed.

I stand up and let my form overshadow her. Her form tenses for a second before she returns to her ministrations. That's right, ignore me. All I wanted was for you to leave me alone, but nooo!

"Look, I don't know why you're acting all bitchy again, when a while ago you were just fine, but don't take it out on me!" I yell at her.

Like before, I receive no reply. I grit my teeth and clench my fists in anger. I grab her shoulder and turn her around, forcing her to look at me in the eye.

Our eyes meet and brown meets…blue.

…No….

Wait…I've seen…Those are…

**Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump **

Where have I…?

**Thump**

No…

No... No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

"…_Ashley! Please help me!..." _

"…_Because you saw me…"_

"…_I love you, you know…" _

**Thump**

Spencer… No…

"Blue." I know myself that my voice is so soft that she probably didn't hear it. I let my mouth part slightly.

'_Why're you here?_'

Please don't…I…

No, that's…

What- What's going on? W- Where am I? I…

I shift my eyes all over the room, How did I… My eyes find her eyes, fear covers her face, mirroring my own.

I talk a tentative step back, I can feel my whole body shaking.

Leave! Go! Don't stay here! I can't stay here….

I quickly turn on my heel and run.

Run. Run! RUN!

I pump my legs faster as the message repeats in my head. I have to leave. I can't stay here.

I can't face her. Not after what happened. Blue. Oh God, she's Blue.

I get into my car and grip the wheel, turning on the engine, I gun it. I can't see very well, my visions all blurry cause of the fat tears rolling down my face. I drive and see a blond headed blur come out of the entrance, but I don't dare look back. I can't, I shouldn't even be allowed to.

I make my way out of the area and keep driving, ignoring all the honking cars that apparently find my driving skills lacking.

What do I do? What do I say? She…No! I can't. I can't see her. I can't look at her. Not after what happened. No, it hurts too much. I can't be around her. I can't handle the pain. That's the reason I forgot in the first place.

I continue to make my way through the passing cars. I don't know where I'm going, but frankly, I don't care, as long as she's not there. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the searing pain in my chest, and the tears that threaten to fall down is they haven't already done so.

I can't look at those eyes. I'm scared my heart will burst out. But…no…Shit!

No…what do I do? She'll back at night. She'll be there again to haunt me. No… Please don't show me those eyes anymore. It hurts too much.

The light is orange. I know she's following, but luckily, she's not doing a very good job. But it doesn't matter, she's still on my trail. I gun the engine in hoped of making the light. I'm almost there, jus-

BAM!

What?! What's going on! I feel the car swerve violently, and I attempt to try my hardest to steady myself. The sound of the screeching tire wheels fills my ears.

"Oof."

Ow, my head hurts. Wait, why is everything goind dark. I feel something wet. No…I can't faint now. I have to keep going. I can't let her catch me. I can't see her. It hurts so much. The pain is unbearable. I'm tired of hurting myself…

-----------------

My head hurts…everything's all blurry. There's red lights, and…noises…sirens…People are talking, they're all running back and forth, yelling and screaming.

I feel so light, my head feels woozy.

Huh? I'm moving. But how, I'm not walking. Oh, I'm on something, they're moving me.

Thud

Ow, that hurt. They' could've let me down gentler. The blurry guy in front of me, at least I think it's a guy, he's taking my hand…now he puts his own on my neck. What is he doing?

Huh? I think he's talking, cause his mouth is moving. Wait, I think he's talking to me. I should tell him that I can't hear him, but I can't talk, my throat hurts.

Hey look, he finally gave up. That's right, close the door, it's a bit chilly in here.

Whoa! That was dangerous, whose hand is that? Someone should tell that person not to put their hands in between the doors.

Noo. Don't open the door. It's cold in here.

Hey, wait…that's…

Hey Spencer! What're you doing here? They're talking now, I wonder about what. Hmm. I think they're arguing. I don't think Spencer likes this guy very much.

Huh? She's looking at me. And she's pointing at me. Why is she flailing her arms everywhere? She looks angry. I don't like seeing her angry. I should tell her that it's okay. But how? Hmm…Oh, I know.

I take all the strength in my body and put it in my arm. I reach it out. I wish she would come closer, it would make this easier. Wait…I'm almost there…and…ha! My fingers lightly wrap themselves around her own. Her head snaps to me, eyes wide. I give her a small smile. At least she's not angry anymore. Okay…I'm tired. Let's go back to sleep…

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Well? How'd you like it? Or hate it? Comments are much appreciated!


	12. Chapter 12

Woot! I got another update in! I just had another long weekend, so I got to write out a lot. Anyways, here's the next chapter. Yeah...a lot of you will hate me... But that's fine, I'm kinda used to being hated (I'm just reffering to family) Anyways! Here's the new update, and I'm really sorry if there's a lot of grammatical errors, then again, there always is.

Thank you all for your comments!! They are what fueled me up to write and type so fast! So remember, is you want a quick update, the best thing to do is comment! Unfortunately, I don't have much time on the computer, so I don 't have much time to personally reply to all your comments :( ... But, I did read all of your comments!

Well, moving on.

Enjoy...though you probably won't.

Chapter 12

*Spencer's P.O.V*

"**Stop! Please stop! It hurts!"**

"…Miss…"

"**Noo! Don't!" **

"Miss…Are you okay…?"

"**Ahhh!"**

"Miss!"

"Ah!"

No! I jump up from the chair as my eyes jolt open, scaring the nurse in front of me. She falls back slightly, her hand clutching tightly at her chest. My breathing starts to even out as I slowly take in my surroundings.

"Miss, are you alright?" The nurse question shakily.

I look around to see a blandly coloured hospital room. I feel a slight tingling sensation in my arm and I trace the feeling down to my hand, one that's tightly holding another. Ashleys. The familiar brunette lays beside me on a hospital bed, breathing mask on her face while her left arm is covered in needles connecting to I.V drips as my own hand occupies her right one.

I think I'm a bit disorientated, but my head snaps back to the nurse as she breaks the silence.

"Miss, are you alright?" She asks again, this time more firmly.

I look to the nurse who's probably in her late thirties. Her shaggy hair is tied up in a loose bun and her traditional blue green scrub seems to be the brightest colour in the room.

Oh yeah, she asked me a question. I nod blankly at her to show that I acknowledge her question, but she still looks wary.

"Are you sure, you've been muttering in your sleep for quite a while now."

Muttering? It's now that I realize the cold sweat the coats my body, and the slight pain and fear encompassing my heart.

"Muttering?" I say groggily.

"Yeah, you kept saying weird things in your sleep. Sometimes you were counting down and then you kept saying that it hurt so I tried waking you up."

"Oh." That's all I can think to say.

"Well, thank you for waking me up." I say, my voice shaking somewhat.

"You're welcome, but are you really alright?" She persists.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say, in attempts of trying to clear this up and get rid of her.

"Okay, but if anything goes wrong, or if something doesn't feel right, then just hit the buzzer." She points to the buzzer placed to the side of Ashley's bed.

I nod again and she leaves the room.

I lay back down in my chair before the memories of the previous event come flashing back.

Ashley, she knows… What do I…do? What do I say? She ran away and I…I won't leave her, that's for sure. I won't let her run away. I need to talk to her. There's so much I want to tell her; so much I want her to know.

I shift to a more comfortable position in my seat before I pull our intertwined hands up to my face, leaving a soft chaste kiss on the back of her hand. I look to her unconscious form for a second, taking in all the damage she received.

Bandages are wrapped around parts of her head, where she suffered a small blow and concussion. Her arm popped out of its socket and had to be put back in, but nothing too bad; just a few scratched and bruises other then that.

I take my eyes off her, scanning the room for a clock. It's 3:00 p.m. I wonder what time I fell asleep. My mind's hazy, what happened yesterday.

I was chasing her down, then I saw the ambulances by Ashley's car. I ran to her, trying to get through the crowd, that built up due to Ashley's famous stature. When I finally got through the crowd, they were about to close the ambulance doors when I put my hand in. Thank God they stopped, or else my hand would be crushed.

I remember arguing with the guy, saying that I knew her. That ass wouldn't believe me, telling me that to join the line of people claiming to "know her". I was really frustrated then, I remember wanting to punch the guy. I kept telling him that I was the director of her music video; unfortunately, I can't really blame him for not believing that, it did sound preposterous.

I was about to sock the guy in the face when I felt fingertips lightly wrap themselves around my own. When I turned to her, she gave me a soft smile before passing out. Though, I guess that was enough for that asshole to believe me and let me in the ambulance. I climbed in, her fingertips still wrapped around my own, but as we drove on, I tightened my hold on her hand until our fingers were intertwined.

When we got to the hospital, they started rushing her in the emergency room. It was hard cause we were still holding hands and I refused to let go, and apparently, considering her hand was wrapped around mine as well, so did she. Fortunately her wounds weren't that serious, so we didn't have to go to the surgery room. They secured us in the emergency room where they treated the wound on Ashley's head. A little while later, another doctor came and popped her arm back in. She didn't move or flinch so the doctor got a bit worried.

She sent us to go see a diagnostician and he told us that she was in a mild coma after suffering a concussion. Luckily, it wasn't serious, so he said that she's wake up in a day to a week.

About an hour later, Stan and Aiden burst in through the door. They said they would have come earlier, but they were trying to track us down after seeing half a dozen different doctors.

As soon as Aiden walked in, he ran to the other side of Ashley's bed, his eyes frantically searching her body for any signs of major wounds. He started shaking her shoulders slightly, trying to wake her up. I told him to stop, that she was in a coma. His entire face broke down along with his body. Stan stared at me wide eyed, repeatedly asking if it was true. I told them it was the truth and Aiden broke down in tears.

I sighed before telling him to stop crying. I told him that it was short term, that she should wake up within a few days. His face came back to life slowly, tears of relief falling down his face. Stan removed his eyes from facing the ground.

I knew it wouldn't be long until they asked me the question. And they did. They asked what the hell happened, and why she ran out of the room. Not being able to tell them, I came up with the most blatantly obvious lie, nothing. I told that nothing had happened and though it was obvious they didn't believe me, they backed off anyway.

Aiden suggested that he stay with Ashley for the night, but Stan protested against it, saying that Aiden should take care of the press. Though, Stan also tried to get me to leave, that I should get to work, but I didn't listen. I told him that I wasn't leaving, and that I couldn't even if I wanted to.

When he asked me why, I brought up my hand that was entangled with Ashley's and loosened my hold until I fully let go. But her own hold was still wrapped tightly around mine. Both men stared at me in astonishment, but I ignored their looks and instead tightened my hold again and gently brought our hands down.

Stan left earlier, saying that he would explain everything to the crew and start working on the video. I trust him, editing is pretty much all he can do. Aiden stayed with me until visiting hours were over, neither one of us said a word. We both did the same thing, watch Ashley.

Some times I would stroke her hand with the pad of my thumb and I could feel his eyes on me. I think that he wanted to hold her hand too, but didn't for whatever reason. He finally left when he was informed that visiting hours were over.

After that, I just stayed with her, staying still in this seat and holding her hand. I just watched her until it was really late, but I don't remember falling asleep.

Sleep…I was dreaming…That nightmare. I guess the entire thing is still vivid in my head. I…I actually don't mind. I've replayed that scene so many times in my mind, a very familiar nightmare. But I won't deny the pain that goes with remembering it. Though I'm used to that, it helps when your heart is stone cold.

I take another over view of the room. I hate hospitals, I remember the last time I was in a hospital, it was the last time that I ever saw Paula again. I remember the last time that I saw them as my family. It was after I regained consciousness. But before that…No that was a dream.

I woke up in front of my house, having absolutely no clue how I got there, or why some of my wounds were dressed. I just remember having a dream before it…but that was just it, just a figment of my imagination.

Though the memory of the last time I ever saw my family, wasn't. It was anything but my imagination. Though, at one point, I might've wished it was, not anymore. The memory remains vivid in my mind.

------------------------------------Flashback------------------------------------

_Huh? Where am I? What am I doing here? This is…home. Home. I'm at home. It's dark now, I wonder what time it is. _

_What the…?_

_My body doesn't hurt. Okay, no, that's a lie; it does hurt but not as much as before. At least the searing pain is gone. But how did I get here…I was…no, that was a dream._

_Whatever, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm here. The weekend is up, so I have a whole two days to figure everything out. _

_Ugh, I gotta get up. I just wanna lie down in my soft bed. I pick up my body off of the steps on the porch. As soon as I do, pain surges throughout my entire my body, causing my body to freeze in place. _

_Okay, so my body __**does**__ hurt. Ow. Taking in slow steps, I finally reach the door. Where's my key…? Wait, where's my stuff? Oh well, I'll worry about that later. Ah ha! Good thing my key was still in my pocket. _

_I bring my hand up and open the door painfully slow, not making any sudden movements to magnify the pain in my body. The door opens and I make my way inside the familiar environment. Huh? My vision seems blurred. _

_I push the door open to reveal Glen in front of me, slightly jaw slacked. Our eyes meet and neither of us makes a move._

"_Who is it Glen? Is it Clay?" Dad chirps in, bright and chipper, from the kitchen. I snap my head in the direction of the kitchen door as his head pops through it. He looks to me, and the bright and happy expression that held his face, falls._

_We make eye contact and he immediately shifts his gaze to the floor. I watch him as his entire body finally makes an appearance through the door. He clears his throat and faces Glen; I follow his line of sight. _

"_Um…Go get your mother, son." With that said, Glen runs up the stairs, leaving me and dad in the room. _

_I just look at him, trying my best to decipher his actions and expression. He continues to avoid my gaze and continually shifts his eyes all over the room. Moments later, I hear footsteps coming from the top of the stairs and I bring my eyes there. Mom stands at the top of the stairs, staring at my form, a discernable look on her face. But I think I know. I think I know what's gonna happen next. Her expression tells me everything. I've been expecting it; I just wished this would've happened later. _

_She makes her way briskly, yet elegantly, down the stairs, eyes never leaving mine. There's a sense of a cold feeling in them. A very tired and frustrated aura covers her face. She finally stops when she's in front of me, and I hear quiet footsteps come down cautiously behind her, Glen. _

_She rubs her temples and lets out a heavy sigh. I look to dad and he quickly averts his eyes. Glen stands a few feet behind mom and stand to watch the scene from the shadows._

_My eyes come back to mom again, her hand still on her temple as the words leave her mouth, shattering all existence. _

"_Get out." There's no anger in her voice, she's not yelling or shouting. She's not heart broken or sad. She's fed up, she's tired, frustrated. _

_Two words bring back all reality. I knew this was gonna happen, it doesn't mean that I don't wish it didn't. _

_I hold my ground, not making any move. Her tired eyes meet mine from over her hands, still on her temple. _

"_Get out." She says, just as blandly as the first time. I make no move, and my face doesn't change, showing no acknowledgement to her words. _

_My eyes flutter around the room. I look to my dad again, but like before, he only turns away, trying to ignore the brief exchange of words. I can see the same tired lines on his face as he painfully pries his eyes away from the scene. _

_I look to Glen's direction, hidden in the shadows. I can't see him very well, I can't tell anything. I can't make out the strange expression on his face as he watches the interaction between her and me. He takes something out of his pocket, and I recognize it as a cell phone. He flips the phone open and dials a number, disappearing in the shadows to talk. _

_I face her again, and she looks to me expectantly. Sparkling blue eyes look at my own, now dull, blue ones. The two sets once held a very large likeness to them, not anymore. I look around the room, knowing that this would probably be the last time I would set foot in it. _

_I take in the view of view of the pictures of us, at a younger time, more innocent. I glance at all the objects adorning the wall and desks. Majority are pictures. Looking at the happy expressions that were captured in a single moment; some pictures of me as a baby, and I see others of us as a family. The artifacts that decorate the room seem fake somehow. No, that's not true. I'm sure they were real at some point. I'm sure we were a real family once, just not anymore. But then again, that was a really long time ago, maybe it was never real. I can't really tell anymore. _

_I do know though, that this isn't. Now, it's nothing but a house of expectations, nothing more. Nothing will ever be the same, yet at the same time, nothing will really have changed. They never loved me, the fact that I won't live in this house won't really change that fact. _

_I take one last quick glance around the room and the people in it. Dad, still the same as before, his eyes now downcast. Glen, seems to be finished his cell phone conversation and is watching me. There's a strange feeling of intent in his eyes. Mom, still waiting expectantly, but I can tell she's probably tired of doing so. She opens her mouth again._

"_Get o-"_

_Her words are interrupted as I turn on my heel, facing the door. I drop the key on the and…for the last time…breathe in deeply, taking in the scent of what will be, a place once called home. I open the door and close it behind me, not saying a single word and not letting anyone say one either. My vision is continuously blurry, and it's now that I notice the tears streaming down my face. I wonder when it started, when I saw dad's face fall? Or maybe when I saw my mom, or when she told me those words? Or maybe, it was when Glen hid in the shadows, just to make a call? _

_No, I don't think it was any of those. I think that it started when I entered the house, cause that's when I realized that it would be my very last time in it. _

_I let out a deep sigh, and face the cold and chilly air. I seat my painful and aching body down on the steps once more; not feeling motivated to move, or live for that matter. _

_I close my eyes, resting the tires lids at events today. Everything's turning dar…_

_-------_

_I wake up to the sound of a car parking in the driveway, and a car door slamming shut. I hear footsteps coming towards me and stop immediately when our faces meet. He looks to me, a familiar expression is painted on his face, Glen had the same one. I hear something buzz, and pries he eyes away from mine, reaching in to his pocket to retrieve his cell phone. He slides it open, and likely, reads the text sent to him, before looking to the top of the house. _

_I follow his line of sight to see Glen in the window of his room, quickly closing the blinds when he sees my face looking at his. I guess that explains who Glen called before. _

_He continues to walk towards me, his pace slowing down slightly as he gets closer, but I know what he's gonna do. _

_I know what he's gonna do, so why do I even bother? I know what's gonna happen. So why do I even try? It's so stupid, I guess there's just some part of my head that wishes he were different. _

_And of course, he does exactly what I thought. He continues his slow pace past me, ignoring me, denying my existence. But he stops suddenly. I don't know why I did what I just did. I don't know what part of me thinks that maybe, just maybe, he will be different. Maybe it was instinctual, I don't know exactly. But somehow, my hand found its way to the bottom hem of his shirt, holding it tightly, causing him to stop in his tracks. _

_I feel like a little kid. A small child holding on the end on their parents clothes in an attempt not to get lost. He turns slightly to look at me, conviction present in his eyes. I wonder what he's thinking. _

_I turn my body ever so slightly, a movement he might not even have noticed. My dead, blue orbs meet his, conviction filled, dark brown ones. I don't realize I've spoken until the words leave my mouth. _

"_Clay." I saw in a quiet whisper. _

_A small, yet painfully long, silence fills the space around, the only sound being the light buzzing of the porch light. I look to his face, his jaw shut tight before he loosens it to speak. _

"_I'm sorry, do I know you?" He says nonchalantly, and for the hundredth time today, I feel my heart break into even smaller pieces. _

_I feel the tears stinging my face as they leave a path down my cheeks. My body is thumping in unison with my heart. _

"_You're my brother." I say pathetically, as though I, for just a second, actually though that he forgot the fact. My voice is still quiet as I try and blink the tears away. It's a futile attempt since they continually build up again. _

_His jaw loosens slightly and his mouth parts open a little. He turns his face away from me, shutting his eyes firmly, his mouth shuts tight again, gritting slightly. He breathes in, deep and slow. I don't miss his fists that are clenched at his side. He finally opens his eyes and all traces of emotion is gone from his face as he turns back to me. _

"_I'm sorry, I don't have a sister." He says coldly, before unclenching his tight fist and brushing away my hand with it. He opens the door and slams it shut behind him, not saying another word. _

_I bite my tongue hard to try and stop the sobs that are threatening to come through. I shouldn't be feeling this. I knew it was gonna happen. I knew that he wouldn't care, he never did. None of them ever did. No one, none in my family and none in my school. They all wear masks on their faces to try and show people that they're good, to show people that they're human. They're not, none of them are. _

_They're all the same, and I don't want to be near them anymore. I pick up my aching body off the floor and start walking. Where to? I don't know. But I do know that I can't be here. I know that I can't stay near these people. I guess, in their mind, being gay constitutes to being dead. No wait…that's wrong too…Because to them, I was never alive in the first place. _

-----------------------------------------Flashback End--------------------------------------

That was the last time I ever saw them as my family. I haven't seen any of them, other then Paula, since. Of course, I sometimes wonder about what would've happened if they hadn't found out. Somehow, it leads to an even more miserable life, and that's saying a lot considering what I went through.

I still remember the tone in her voice when she told me to get out. There was no anger in it, of course, anger would mean that she would actually have to care. Sadness would mean that she actually loved me. But there was none of that, just frustration.

Three days later, after that fateful day, I was raped. And the next time I ever saw Paula again, was a few months after that, removing the dead carcass inside of me.

I'm snapped out of my trance when the door hurriedly flings open, and a brunette blur makes her way past me, and to the other side of Ashley's bed, ignoring me completely. The familiar girl inspects Ashley in the same fashion the Aiden did, before her voice fills the room.

"Damn chika! What the hell did you do to end up in the hospital this time?"

-------------------

So?How'd you like it? Or hate it?

Anyways, to those that are crying, which I hope you are since that is my aim, and to those that hate me, I'M SORRY! oH, I'll give you three guesses who the girl at the end is! You only really need one.

Remember to comment and review, it pumps me up and makes me write faster!


	13. Chapter 13

...I AM SO SCARED RIGHT NOW...

You're all going to kill me... You're all going to massacre me...You'll hurt me and put me through the same thing that Spencer went through...

Wah!! I'm gonna DIE! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

... ... ...

Yeah...Um...hUH...So...

The one thing that I can say is, what happens in this chapter, chances are, **NO ONE WILL HAVE PREDICTED**!! Why? I like to keep things original. Also, let me just tell you now, the point of this chapter, was to show more depth into the characters. I didn't want the characters to just look EVIL, since, frankly, I don't beleive in that.

Anyways, you will see what I'm talking about once you read the chapter... REMEMBER TO COMMENT! Even if you hate it! If you do, tell me all about it!

Also, this is a lot shorter then my recent chapters, but I'll see what I can do about the length.

Chapter 13

*Spencer's P.O.V*

I watch the interaction between the familiar, tan skinned brunette, and the unresponsive one that lays on the bed.

"Damn chika, when are you gonna stop getting yourself in trouble…?" Her voice fills the air, but the soft tone and caring manner in which she said it, melts the tension. I continue to watch her ministrations as she gets closer to Ashley and, with arms crossed, stares at her intently.

"When are you gonna stop scaring us?" She says quietly, as she looks to the girl in front of her with love in her eyes. I wonder if she realizes I'm here. I tighten my grip on Ashley's hand, and bring it up to my chest protectively.

The woman takes a seat in the chair but her eyes never once leave the unconscious form. I wonder, was there always so much care and emotion in those eyes? Did she always contain those soulful looks and tired lines over her face? Has she even got any sleep? It doesn't look like it.

I watch the girls eyes flit all over Ashley's face, inspecting all the bruises and cuts protectively. The silence is disturbed be her, ever so familiar, voice.

"Spencer Carlin?"

She asks, but her eyes still don't move from their target.

"Yeah." I saw quietly, somewhat shocked that she even realizes that I'm here, but her expression doesn't ever change.

"I'm M-" She starts.

"Madison Duarte." I cut her off. I look to her, gauging her reaction carefully, but she doesn't look the tad bit surprised, and instead, her face does nothing to change her expression.

Her gaze remains fixed on Ashley's and I presume to turn my head in the same direction.

"Aiden told me about you." She says simply. I start to rub Ashley's hand with the pad of my thumb, a habit I've just recently developed.

I don't reply, and it causes her to continue with her words.

"Thanks for staying with her, she means the world to us." She says solemnly and movingly.

"It's nothing, Aiden could've easily stayed." I say quietly.

"No…he couldn't have, no matter how much he would've wanted to." What? What does that mean? He could've stayed if he argued through it, especially seeing as he knows her more then I do.

I wait for her to continue but when her voice makes no entrance, I decide to be the one to ask.

"What do you mean?" I ask, trying not to sound too interested.

She lets out a soft chuckle and I wonder if a smile is gracing her face.

"Do you really not know?" She laughs out lightly.

I don't get it? What does she mean? Why would I know?

"Aiden could never….even if he wanted to. Cause it's you…" She lets her sentence stray off and I'm still in the dark. I still don't understand. Never what?

"He could never be you." She answers, as though reading my mind. Her voice was quiet though and it almost passed my ears. Almost.

Never be me…Why would he want to be?

"Even though, sometimes, I wish it was him." She continues. " It would've made things so much easier. And maybe…she wouldn't be on this bed right now."

I feel a stabbing guilt come over me. That's right…I'm the reason she's here.

"But we all know that he can't be…God knows she's tried." She chuckles the last part out.

Silence fills the room again.

"You…You should talk to her." She says more seriously. "It doesn't look like you guys have had much time to talk."

I don't think that I need to tell you that I'm getting more and more confused with each word that comes out of her mouth.

"She cares about you. Trust me when I say that."

I sit there in deep silence, thinking blandly about her words. Care about me? She didn't even know who I was until yesterday.

I hear her chair move and, form the corner of my eye, see her get up. Her footsteps continue to echo in the room until it comes to a halt.

"Spencer Carlin… Aiden…He's not very bright, so it took him till now to realize…I'm sorry. You don't have to forgive me or believe me. I don't even expect you to listen to me…but… I'm sorry." I know she's not looking at me, cause I don't feel the burning gaze on the back of my head, but with those words, she's gone. Her voice was somewhat monotone, but…somehow….I know that she meant it.

I continue to look at Ashley's face, and once more, I bring her hand up to my mouth and place gentle kisses on it. Sometimes tasting the saltiness of the tears that has landed on it. My own.

Something's weird, different. It feels strange; this unison that I have with her. This synch that we seem to be in. It's scary, unnerving.

I feel like, if her heart stops, mine would stop with hers. I feel like she can feel the sadness that I feel, and that I can feel hers. I wonder if she can feel it, the longing in my heart for her.

I don't need to ask what this feeling is, because I already know. But I don't know id I should let her find out. I don't know if she should. Because I don't know if she'll accept it. She didn't last time. But then again, that's the past. It's long gone. I'm more mad at myself. No, that's not right. It's because of that that I sometimes find me loathing myself.

Why? Because I can't bring myself to hate her. How can I? Each night she appears in my dreams. And each time I do, I find the hate inside of me getting smaller and smaller, and the despair, getting larger and larger, and I loathe myself for it. But I know I shouldn't. I should hate her. I should loath her guts and want to hurt her. I should treat her in the same way that she treated me…But I can't…

I think that it would hurt me more then it would hurt her.

The questions keep adding up, they keep multiplying. But they all add up to the same thing.

What do I do?

I honestly don't know. But right now, I don't care. This, being by her side, is all that matters. It's just too bad that we can't live in a single moment, because this would be mine.

Continually stroking her hand, I bring my other arm up to her face, brushing away stray locks of hair.

"You just couldn't leave me alone, could you?" I ask to no one in particular. I remember the say that I saw her again, I never would have though that it would lead up to this.

I let my hand linger by her face just a little longer. Fingertips are caressed by soft, smooth skin. I leave my fingers there, not moving them, even when the door slowly opens.

I make no attempt to look at who it is, because somehow, I think I know.

"I saw Madison on the way here. I guess you guys talked." He says quietly, and somewhat awkwardly.

I still don't take my eyes off of her, not for a second. I feel like if I do, she'll disappear into thin air. Also, because I'm scared. I'm scared to look anywhere else, especially him. What kind of emotion will show up on his face? Will he be sympathetic? Will he give me an apologetic look? Will he give me pity? Will he hate me?

I don't mind if he does. I think I deserve it to some extent. I hurt someone that he really cares about, after all. The silence is broken once again, by him, likely due to my lack of response.

"I guess I kinda understand now... Why you kept running out of the room like that." His voice is quiet. There's something in his voice, it seems apologetic, but it's hard; a cold emotion.

I don't want to talk about this. I don't really want another trip down memory lane, I've had enough. It's taken everything in me not to hurt this guy these past few weeks, and these past few hours to try and forget everything.

He continues again.

"I always thought it was weird…you always saying those things. And Ashley, she kept on talking about how annoying you were, or how much you got to her. It all makes sense now. I…just didn't recognize you earlier." He takes in a deep breath.

"I…" He starts, but lets it stray.

"I…there are so many things I want to tell you about her, but…" He takes in another deep breath. "She…she doesn't deserve any…" I hear gulp audibly and I let him continue. "I'm sorry… I don't know any other words to say except that…I'm sorry."

I don't respond, and instead my gaze becomes more concentrated on Ashley's face.

Sighing, he prepares himself for his next words. I think, that he misunderstood something by my silence.

"Look, I get it…You hate us. You hate that we treated you like shit. You hate that we ruined your life…But, just don't take it out on her." Take it out…? What is he thinking? I haven't…

I finally tear my eyes away from her and snap my head in his direction.

"I didn't do anything!" I snap at him defensively, my tone quite insulted.

"I know you didn't!..." He lets out another sigh before continuing. "Look…Please don't hurt her." He says the last part with a pleading tone.

Hurt her?! What the hell is he thinking?! Does he think that I chased her car down and purposely made it so that it crashed?!! Does he think that I did it to inflict any sort of pain on her?!

"Hurt her?! It's not like I hurt her on purpose! If anything, it's yo-"

"That's not what I mean!" He cuts me off.

"She's been through enough pain!" He cries out.

I retaliate with the only thing that comes to mind. "Oh, what? And I haven't?"

"That's not wh- Argh!!" He yells out in frustration and buries his face in his hands, before getting up to start pacing through the small room.

I don't get it. What the hell is he talking about? It feels as though he's hiding something. It's like he's trying to walk around a forbidden topic.

"Yeah, we hurt you. Yeah, we tortured you. Yeah, we made your life hell. But hate us! Hurt us! She has nothing to do with this!"

He keeps on babbling nonsense, and it's really getting to me.

"Nothing to do with this? Aiden, she's the main reason that I was even kicked out of my house!" I don't really feel this way, but I need something to throw back at him.

His pacing continues as I watch his form go back and forth within the small room. The frustration is getting more and more evident on his face.

"Yes, but she's already paid for that!" He yells out.

"How, Aiden?!" I say, frustration building up inside of me as well.

"She just has, okay! She's already paid her toll, she doesn't need to be in anymore pain...I'm so scared…I'm so scared that she'll break again…I don't think that she'll make it through if she does…She almost…" His voice is quieter towards the end, and I see the small tears that are running down his face. Silence fills the room. I…I don't know what to say about that…She…I don't know anything about her from that time….

But…

"Then what about you, Aiden? How have you atoned?" I say, finally shattering the long pause.

"No, you're right. I haven't paid, but back then-"

"But what, Aiden?" I look to his form, disbelief in my eyes. "Are you actually telling me that you have a reason for turning a person's life into a living hell?!"

"No! But things were different!" He says angrily, his eyes shut tight, yet facing away from me, as though to contain his anger.

"Different, how?!" I cry out, my grip on Ashley's hands grow tighter.

"They just were!" He yells out again, his fists clenched tightly at his sides.

"How were they different?! Why should there be an exception?!"

"Because!" He retaliate back.

"Because what, Aiden?!" I heartbeats grow faster as I continue to press him for answers.

He makes no response, and I stand up, still holding her hand.

"Say it, Aiden! Say it! Why di-"

"Because you were gonna take her away!!" He cries out in full volume, his head snaps to me and his glare proceeds to burning holes in me.

"You were gonna change her and convince her to leave! You were turning her against us! She chose your side over ours, and we couldn't let that happen. We had to protect her…

We had to make sure that she didn't get hurt…So we couldn't let her leave…We had to make sure that she didn't leave…We're family…You can't leave family…" His form slowly leans back against the chair and he covers his face with his hands. His breathing is slowly evening out from beating so hard. I know, because mine is too.

I take a moment to take in everything he said before scoffing at his last comment.

"Yeah, you can…I did." I say quietly, glaring slightly on the floor.

A silence fills the room again, and neither of us say a word until:

"And it killed you inside." He says quietly, a soft whisper. I'm not even sure if he meant for me to hear it. But I did.

"No…I was already dead." I say, just as quietly as him. I take a deep breath before sighing and falling back on the chair.

We both let the deafening silence take the room again. The only sound being Ashley's heart monitor, and the almost inaudible sounds of the rise and fall breathing patterns of the people in the room.

"We should have known…We should have realized that no matter what we did…she would still…" He takes a sharp breath before continuing. "That the turnout would be the same no matter what we did…If we knew, then we would've spared you both the pain. But we thought that we could change her. And we did…Or so we thought. She tried so hard to love me, to be with me…but I knew that her heart was never in it…How I wish it was…It would've made things so much easier…she would'nt have had to go through that pain… and…she could've been happy." His tears have stopped, but the inconceivable sadness in his voice is still there.

He loves her…But she'll never love him back…I've felt that pain before…but I never had to suffer it for too long.

It would've been easier if it was him…It would have been better if it was him. She could've been happier…And that's all that matters.

I look to Ashley's face, taking in her presence. I don't eve notice the single lone tear falling down my face. I look down at our tangled hands and I wonder what would happen if she let go…if I pulled away.

'_Would you be better if I just left you alone? Would you smile if everything went back to normal? Would you be happy if we never meet again…? Because if you would…I would disappear off of the face of the earth for you.' _

I hear footsteps getting up, and I don't need to look to know where he is right now. As I guessed, he lay on the other side of the bed, next to Ashley. He brings his hand up to her face, his fingertips lightly tracing down her jaw. I hate the burning feeling inside of me, as I watch him doing so.

He lets his hand linger, and I, once again, bring Ashley's hand up to my chest, protectively against the soft beating in me. Aiden finally pulls his hand back and steps away.

"We'll talk about this later." He concludes.

"I…" I let my sentence stray, not knowing what to say.

I hear his footsteps continue to grow quiet before I hear him sigh faintly.

"I still hate you, you know." His words don't strike me in the least.

"I know." I whisper out.

"Don't hurt her." These are the last of his words before he leaves the room, leaving me with my thoughts.

Hurt her? Haha. I'd hurt myself before I even think about hurting her on purpose. I lay my hand back down on the bed and lean back on the chair. My eyes feel heavy. Constantly crying will do that to you, I guess. Letting fatigue take over me, I feel myself fading. Ashley I…

BEEP!

BEEP!

BEEP!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soo? How'd you like it? Or hate it? Again, please don't hurt me... I really think that it will make the story better. They will show up again, and I will delve deeper into it, but not too deep as to stray focus away from our main couple.

Also, there should be a NC-17 scene coming up within the next chapter or two, so be wary.

Yeah, so...I ran out of things to say... so I'll just let you go now...


	14. Chapter 14

Guess who's back back back...Back again gain gain...I am back back back...back again gain gain...

Hey guys! Holy, it feels like forever since I last posted... Sorry, but with the end of the school year, I'm swamped. But, nevertheless, I shall try and continue to update.

Sooo, heres the new chapter, I remember thinking that I had a lot to say...but now I don't really remember most of it.

Well, I do remember this I'M NOT A DOCTOR!

Yeah, so there are many terms here that I'm just BSing and I don't really know if they're real or not...So, if you are a doctor, or in health care, I'm sorry if you find it insulting that I'm making up stuff on the spot...

Also, I don't really need to say this...but let me have my little rant. There's a section in the chapter where a song is played, and I put the title and singer of the song in brackets as sort of an AN in the BEGINNING of the song. Normally people put it at the end, and it always irks me when people do that, cause then the part where the song is written down is done, and I don't feel like listening to it anymore...

Okay, that was my little rant that probably no one read. Anyways, on with the chapter.

Also, PLEASE READ THE LYRICS TO THE SONG...THEY ACTUALLY MATCH IT PRETTY WELL. Imagine my surprise when I first heard it

And, don't worry, this is the last thing I'll say before you can start reading, Remember to comment. I read all of the comments and I thank you for all of them deeply!!

Chapter 14

*Spencer's P.O.V*

BEEP!

BEEP!

BEEP!

Huh? What the? That beeping sound…Ashley!

I snap my sleepy eyes open and take a look to Ashley's heart monitor. Fuck, it's beeping. What the hell does that mean?! I quickly feel for the buzzer on the side of Ashley's bed and hit the button several times before several nurses come storming through the door.

"What's wrong with her?!" I ask them frantically.

They ignore me and head straight for her.

"Code red! Code red!" One of them starts yelling out.

Code red?!! What does that mean?!!

"Wait, what're you doing to her?!" I ask in a panic, not exactly knowing what I'm supposed to do.

"Someone get her out of here!" One of them yells as a doctor walks into the room. He starts to quickly get some machine and paddles.

No, wait, what's happening?!

One of the nurses, the girl from before, proceeds to pushing me back.

"Ma'am, please move away." She tells me firmly and impatiently.

"No! Tell me what's going on?!" I demand as I struggle to keep hold of Ashley's hand.

"Get her the hell outta here!" The first guy yells out, and soon the beeping grows faster and more erratic.

"Noo! Ashley!" I cry out, still fighting away the nurse trying to get me to leave.

"Ma'am! If you don't leave right now, we won't be able to help her properly." She says, her tone insistent. I look to her with fear wide in my eyes, trying to process her words, but all I can hear us the ever growing and ever quickening sound of the beeping.

"Hurry! We're losing her!" The doctor yells out.

Losing?! No! Ashley, please don't!

Then…Amidst all the yelling and persuading, all I can hear is … silence.

"She's flat lining!" One of the nurses call out.

My eyes dart back to the wall of nurses and doctors surrounding Ashley, and I feel the, once tight, grip on my hand let go completely. My hand, once tangled with hers, falls to the side of my body. Ashley…No…No, you can't go. I still have something to say…

Again, looking blankly at the wall of people and hearing the murmured and discernable noise around me, I don't seem to be able to process anything in my head. I see the people getting slightly smaller, and it's now that I realize that I'm being pulled away.

The nurse pushes me back until I'm completely out of the room. Once I'm out, she closes the door and blinds, letting no one's eyes peer through.

Ashley…No…She can't die. There's still so many things that I have to tell her!

The urge to scream starts to rise up inside of me and I quell down the feeling for as long as possible. The urge becomes stronger as no response from the room comes out.

'_Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!' _I try and bright my thoughts into words, but they immediately die in my throat and I only succeed on choking on them.

After several failed attempts to bring my thoughts into actions, I move my form out of the way of the door and slide down beside it. I try and block out the murmured sounds of the hospital, each passing second seems so long, and yet at the same time, feels as though it couldn't go by any faster.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Thoughts, sounds, possibilities, all sorts of things enter my head, and I grit my teeth in fear.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Please, let time pass by faster, let it run away to the point where I can finally see Ashley. I shake my head, trying to get rid of all the things occupying it. Shutting my eyes tightly, I hug my knees and pray silently.

'_It's gonna be alright. She'll be fine, Nothing will happen_.' I chant the words to myself continuously. '_Ashley's strong, she'll ma-_'

"Move out of the way!" The door blasts open and several people start wheeling Ashley off in a hurry. I jump up and stare at their form.

"Wait, where are you taking her?" I ask, desperation clearly evident in my voice.

None of them turn back to look at me, and I contemplate running after them. But, I can't. I'm frozen, I can't move, I feel like every muscle and bone in my body refuses to do what I tell it. My hopeless state remains as they disappear in the distance of the hospital.

I don't get it…What's going on? Where are they taking her? What's happening? What're they gonna do? No…No..! NO!

I jump slightly when I feel a hand on my shoulder. My body immediately tenses, but it looks as though my frozen and petrified state is gone. Turning around, I see the same nurse from before. She looks to me before giving me a small, tired and slightly reassuring smile.

"Your friend was brought into the emergency room, they're seeing if she might need an operation. They found a blood clot that they didn't see earlier and that may cause some problems. Depending on what happens, she might be put into intensive care." She informs me, still trying to give me that reassuring smile.

I only nod back, trying to calm the beating of my heart.

"Oh, and since she's in a coma. We'll need a family member in case some decisions need to be made in her place. Do you know any of them? Preferably a parent or a guardian."

"I…" I think about the question for a while, but nothing comes to mind. I know that her dad is dead, but I don't really know much else about her family, just that she doesn't have any siblings.

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure." I answer back meekly, feeling ashamed that I don't even know.

She nods her head this time.

"Don't worry, we'll just check her file." She gives me another smile before heading off. Suddenly, she stops mid stride and turns to me.

"If you want to wait for your friend, you could probably wait for her outside the emergency room that they're taking her to. Third floor, head right, you'll know it when you see it." She says then turns on her heel and goes back to her station.

I feel my legs shaking slightly and it isn't long before they give in under me. I hug my trembling arms around myself. Its cold, so cold. I wish she was here. I stare blankly at my hand, one that now feels so empty and distant. I need her here, and I need to be with her. What if she's…?

It takes a while, but the nurse's words finally register themselves in my head and I do what I do best. Run. Only this time, I'm running towards her, and not away, but then again, look what happened last time I did that. But that doesn't matter, I need to be with her. There's no more time to run away.

I head into the same direction that they went to, ignoring all the yells and cries that are telling me to slow down. I finally reach the elevator and hit the button for the third floor, catching my breath as I do so.

I lean against my knees when the elevator stops, signaling my arrival. I run out and immediately try to remember the nurse's directions. Uh…I go…Right! I run awkwardly on my heels, stopping only when I see the large, lit up sign that says Emergency Room.

The sign is red and lit up, meaning that the room is currently occupied. I stand in front of the intimidating doors, trying to even my breathing and quell my fears. I stare at the bright neon light before planting myself down on one of the waiting chairs. I can feel my entire body shaking, trembling at the possibilities; the what if's.

I bring my hand to my chest, clutching it tightly to my heart as though her hand is still in mine. It feels…empty, hollow; as though a part of me was ripped away.

….

Oh…I get it now….It was.

My hoarse breathing is caught in my throat, occasionally choking on it. As I calm myself more, trying to block out unwanted, unneeded thoughts, fatigue from earlier starts to come back in waves. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier. I shouldn't sleep. This isn't the time to sleep. Not now, not when she's in there subconsciously fighting for her life. I need to be here when she wa…

_BEEP!_

_BEEP!_

_BEEP!_

_Huh, what's that noise? What…No! Not again! Ashley!_

…_Wait…this is…_

_Where…Where am I? Huh…That's…Paula._

_This is...me… No…this was me._

_I really shouldn't have fallen asleep. I'm tired of these dreams. I'm tired of these stupid flashbacks, cause right now, I'm staring at myself, another lifetime ago, having the head carcass removed from inside of her. _

_I watch Paula as she stares down my, almost lifeless, 16 year old self. I don't remember exactly how old the child was, or how far I was into the pregnancy. Huh? It's weird…the thought of having being pregnant. _

_I think it was four or five months, I don't really remember. Don't even ask me how I managed to stay alive that long, let alone the child. It still amazes me that I'm still alive today. _

_It's just that, one day I started throwing up what little content was in my stomach, mostly stomach acid. I realized then what had occurred. Nonetheless, I went through my life trying to survive as best as I could. Days went by, then weeks which turned into months, but like I said, how many months, I don't know. Then one day, as I was scouring the parks for any source of collectable that I could somehow get money for, I ran into an old man who, like me, was homeless. He looked just as pitiable as me, and his only friend, as cat, had gotten stuck over a fence. _

_He asked me if I could help him out, leading me into an alley where his cat supposedly was. Turning the corner and seeing a dead end, I knew I shouldn't have gone. When I saw the dead end and the lack of fence, I turned to face him but only felt the hard blow of a steel pipe against my stomach before falling helplessly to the ground. The last thing I remember seeing is the old man reaching out and picking up my bag of foraged goods before running off. Then…sirens blared through the air._

_I remember fading in and out consciousness while being wheeled into the emergency room. There was blood and pain, lots of it. I remember them leading me off into the stretcher, waiting for the doctor to arrive. Though the pain only magnified when I saw who the doctor was. Paula. _

_I watch my former family member as she scrutinizes the young girl in front of her, sizing her up. The nurses are all yelling at the doctor to move and perform the operation. My sixteen year old self thoroughly looks dead, her glazed eyes are screaming in pain as the watery orbs start to let out tears. _

_Her mouth is parted open, I can only describe it to be letting out an inaudible scream. Her body twitches ever so slightly, movement meant pain for her. Her legs are spread open as they determine that the child she harbors is no longer alive. Tears are now flowing freely down her face as the woman in front of her starts to instruct the nurses. _

_The pain increases and becomes unbearable. She bites down hard on her lip, letting blood flow down her chin. The nurse is talking, instructing her, but she's not listening. She's only listening to the sobs inside of her head. The pain looks unbearable and she looks sickened by the thought of having a dead carcass inside of her. But that's not all. She feels an immense sadness, one for the life now lost. _

_Realization comes into her mind and she struggles to move, fighting through the pain, the premature maternal instincts acting up inside of her. Her mind is screaming for her to move, to stop them from touching her child. The mother inside of her is desperately clutching on to the idea of a living baby. _

_The nurses hold her back before putting a mask over her face, a gas mask. She tries her hardest not to inhale the gas but it proves to be impossible and soon she begins to feel herself fading. She lets out a first and last muffled cry before the darkness overtakes her. The last thing in her vision is the woman who she thought she'd known all her life, just staring at her. Something indescribable in the woman's eyes, but she's already out before she can analyze it. _

_Then everything turns black._

_I turn my form around, looking frantically about the nightmare. Flashes of different scenes through my life surround me. Childhood scenes, happy families, smiling faces, innocent people. I take in the scene of me as a little girl bring flown through the air in my dad's arms. _

_Wait…Dad? That's not right, my mistake, I meant to say Arthur. _

_We're both smiling and laughing happily as he struggles to catch his breath. I watch as the younger version of him puts down my six year old self, one that giggles and clings to his leg happily. _

_The scene quickly fades out and another one enters. There's me, only a little older then the previous scene, pouting in defiance as mom tries to dress me up in frilly clothing, which I obviously dislike. She sighs, seemingly giving up. I uncross my folded arms and sigh in relief. My victory, however, is short lived when she turns back to me, fingers outstretched and wriggling, targeting my sides which are known to be my most ticklish spot. _

_I quickly burst out in a fit of laughter before submitting my surrender. We let out a laugh before the scene fades out again. _

_Why is this happening? Don't show me these scenes. Don't show me these false displays of happiness. Just let me go back. Let me go back to my life, at least there I can find a sense of realism. Bring me back to something that I can believe in. _

_Pictures flash in again. I remember these pictures, they seem familiar. I think they were the ones that walls of my home. _

…_Wait. Stop! What am I saying?! Home? Dad? Mom? Dammit! What's wrong with me?! No! I can't start thinking like that. It won't help. Just forget them, they're not here anymore, and they never will be. _

_Breathe. Just breathe. Don't think about them or anyone. Focus on yourself, and…Ashley. _

_She…I should. _

_The darkness comes in again, abruptly ending the flow of reminiscent pictures, and soon, another scene takes place. _

_This is…_

_I remember this… This is just before the incident. Just before everything went crashing down. _

_I watch my younger self creep up behind the door. I stare at the younger Ashley who has her back slightly to me, not even realizing my presence. I realize that she's wearing earphones as she stares out the window of our sacred hangout._

_She bobs her head to the music slightly. The music is loud, so loud that I hear the change in song. Once the song changes she immediately picks up her guitar and starts strumming along with the song. _

_It isn't long before her heavenly voice fills my mind. _

_(Good with you/Cling to me by LP)_

_Mostly I'm mad, mostly I make  
the people that care about me and love sad  
And I don't know why  
Mostly I lie and maybe its because  
I don't want anyone to know who I am  
Oh but you with your angel face  
You take me to a place I've never been  
Oh and you with your innocence  
You break through my defense_

_I see my younger self bite down hard on her lip, taking in the content of her words. _

_I'm only good with you  
I'm only good with you  
I've done so many things wrong  
I've sung a thousand songs  
What did you see in me  
It's still a mystery  
Thought that I was through  
You made me someone new  
And I'm only good with  
I'm only good with you_

_Her voice starts to crack slightly, but she continues to sing with the song. Her fingers don't stop strumming as she stares out the window. _

_Mostly I'm a mess never say no  
Get myself in trouble telling everybody else  
I don't know why  
Oh but you with your fearless love  
You're better than any drug I ever had  
Oh and you you make me see in light  
In the darkness night_

I'm only good with you  
I'm only good with you  
I've done so many things wrong  
I've sung a thousand songs  
What did you see in me  
It's still a mystery  
Thought that i was through  
You made me someone new  
And I'm only good with you  
I'm only good with you

_I hear her sniffling slightly, and I can only guess that tears are streaming down her face. _

_When you are around  
All the demons in my head  
Can't be found_

I'm only good with you

I know it seems blacker than midnight  
No one knows you, no one to hold tight  
Everything you are isn't what they thought  
Everything you learn isn't what they taught  
Everything is wrong, no you don't belong  
Before you slip hopelessly, cling to me  
You can say anything to me  
When you're lost, turn and see  
You know I'll always be here,  
Never let go  
Cling to me. (oh)  
Cling to me. (oh)

When you're too hurt to talk, I am a rock  
Cling to me. (oh)  
Cling to me.

_Her raspy voice seems tired, and she almost chokes on the words as they come out, but they do, never once stopping. She almost cries the words out, and all I can do is watch her form and listen to the emotion in her voice. Her conflicted voice sings out the words, as she bobs her head appropriately to the words. _

_(oh)  
I'm only good with you  
I've done so many things wrong  
I've sung a thousand songs  
What did you see in me?  
It's still a mystery  
Thought that I was through  
You made me someone new  
And I'm only good with you  
I'm only good with you_

I'm only good  
I'm only good  
I'm only good with you  
And I'm only good with you

_Her voice turns quiet towards the end, almost whispering out the last few lines. _

_Once the song ends, I look to my younger self to see that her face is caked with tears. She stares hard at Ashley's form, disbelief at her words and song. Though she knows that it couldn't have been nothing. She knows that it could have been a coincidence. She knows that, but…what if it wasn't?_

_Carelessly moving, she walks towards the object of her desires only to trip on a stray chair. The sound reverberates in the room and Ashley snaps her head to see the cause of the noise. The two's eyes meet and both seem to want to tear their gazes away from each other, but neither does. _

_She looks to Ashley's face, much mirroring her own, with tear streaks running down her cheek, and fear evident in her large brown eyes. She thanks God that her glasses hide her eyes, but do nothing to hide the tear streaked cheeks. _

_Their gazes are locked unto another, but neither move, both of them strangely wishing for the moment to never end. She continues her gaze on Ashley, her large brown orbs are covered in fear as she seems to cower away. The only thought through her head is how small the brunette looks right now. _

_The bell rings and it seems as though both girls let out a breath that they didn't know they were holding. I see my younger self finally tear her gaze away and make a quick escape out the door. _

_The scene turns black again, and somehow, I feel a sense of both hot and cold come over me. The loneliness seems so cold, but the realization appears to be burning me. _

_I think I'm crying… Is that even possible in a dream? But if this is a dream, then why do I feel so much pain? Why does it feel like something is breaking inside of me, shattering, melting, slowly. _

_That's right…This isn't a dream, it's a nightmare. The let me wake up. Someone please end this pain. Someone please…_

"Should I wake her up? She looks like she's having a bad dream, but I don't want to disturb her...But why is she crying?"

That's…Who is that?

Shifting in the seat slightly, I force my tired eyes open, revealing a gorgeous brunette in my wake. Her dark brown hair, fair skin, and close proximity takes me by surprise. Standing only a foot or so away from me, she looks at me curiously, no doubt the same look I'm giving her.

"Um, are you okay?" She asks nervously.

I continue to look at her, not exactly registering her words. Her eyes hold a familiar feeling to them.

I finally snap back when her words finally make their way into sense.

"I…um." It's clear that to say that my brains not working properly.

"Are you okay? It seemed like you were having a nightmare." She asks again, her nervousness still in her voice but strangely laced with concern.

I bring my hand up to my face, only now realizing that I really was crying. I turn my tired eyes back to her.

"Um…yeah. I'm fine, just a little nightmare." I respond back quietly, looking to her in curiosity.

"And you are…?" I really don't mean to sound so…bashful, or rude, but something about her eyes has got me curious.

"Oh, um…I'm Kyla Woods." She says, her voice sounds slightly anxious and it seems as though she expects me to know who she is.

Wait…Do I know her? No, I don't think so, but…

"And…?" I ask, urging for her to continue her introduction.

"Oh." She looks genuinely surprised that I don't know who she is. Am I supposed to know her, cause I obviously don't.

"Uh…um…I'm Ashley's sister." She says, just as nervously as the first time. She looks to me again, seeing if it rang any bells.

I bring my head down, nodding in understanding. Oh, oh okay, she's Ashley's sister…Wait. What?! My head snaps back to her, her words echoing in my head.

Ashley doesn't have a sister! I think I would've known such a big and important fact about her life. And besides, if even if her mom gave birth to another girl, she wouldn't be this old! Not that she's old, she's around the same age as me, if not a little younger, but that's the point!

"Ashley doesn't have a sister!" I say in defiance to the rude stranger. She's not actually rude, but considering what she said. The weird shocked expression comes across her face again, and she seems somewhat insulted that I just questioned her existence. Though, thankfully, she fights away the annoyance.

"Actually, she does. I'm Kyla, Ashley's half sister." She says, saying it slow for it to make sense to me. It's my turn to feel slightly insulted, but I, like her, fight away the emotion and continue to unravel the mysterious sister.

"Since when?" I ask rather blatantly, not knowing what else to say. She eyes me this time, sizing me up in order to see if I really don't know.

Once she's done, and I think that she's decided that I'm telling the truth, she sighs.

"Since a few years ago." She says tiredly, as though having said this a million times.

"How?!" I retaliate quickly, obviously not very happy that I didn't even know about such an important thing, but then again, there's a lot of things that I don't know about her.

"Well, you see, when a rocker and a roadie get drunk and think they're in love, they spend a night in pa-"

"Stop!" I immediately call out, stopping her joke. She lets out a small smile and chuckle, obviously amused.

I let out a deep breath, being slightly more relaxed. She does as well, but her face quickly becomes tense again.

"Okay, so how did you suddenly becomes Ashley's sister?" I try and rephrase it in a manner that won't receive any jokes. I don't think it worked.

"Well, you see, when a rocker and a roadie get drunk and think they're in love, they sp-"

"Stop!" I call out again, this time in a slightly whiny voice. She's just making fun of me now. She chuckles out again, and gives me another small smile. I rack my brain trying to find a way to say it so that she doesn't joke around anymore.

"Um…Okay. Where did you come from and ho-"

"Okay, stop!" She laughs out. Yeah, okay, I didn't really do a very good job at rephrasing my question. At least it got her to stop me.

"I know what you mean; I was just joking with you." She chuckles out lightly.

I eye her a bit before responding. "Yeah, I kinda figured. So, why don't you tell me your story then?" I say, trying to get down to business.

The carefree expression leaves her face and it goes back to its nervous glory. She takes the seat next to me before clearing her throat.

"Um…Well… a few years back, my mom decided to finally reveal to me my mystery father. It turned out that my father was Raife Davies, Ashley's dad. Apparently, she and Raife talked about it beforehand and planned it together. So, I went to meet my dad and he took me and introduced me to Ashley, his other daughter, who, I must say, didn't like me at the time." She takes in a deep breath as the memory comes into her mind.

"The media went nuts when they found out, and knowing them, they started to make up a bunch of stories about us, none of which were true. So, a month or so passed and Ashley was finally warming up to me, but…things happened…and that's how we're here today." She ends off. It feels as though she left out a great amount of detail, but I'll let it pass.

I don't voice my suspicions and, instead, nod my head dumbly at her.

"So, what're you doing here?" I think I just asked the stupidest question in the world.

"They called, saying that they needed a family member." She answers, before awkwardly looking to the ground.

I nod again dumbly at the answer I already knew. I continue to ponder her story before realization hits me.

"Oh, right. I'm-"

"Spencer Carlin." She finished for me, but I can only look to her in confusion. How does she know my name?

I guess she read the expression on my face, cause.

"Oh, um…Ashley's talked about you." She explains.

Wait, Ashley's talked about me? How? I thought…

I'm guessing she read the expression on my face again, because she responds to my confusion.

"Oh, that was before the…" She lets the sentence stray off, but I can guess what she's talking about.

"Oh." I nod my head. The room is filled with an awkward silence, neither of us saying a word, yet instead, fiddle with our thumbs in anxiousness.

Well, that's what I was doing before I remembered.

"Oh. Ashley!" I stand up quickly, scolding myself for forgetting something so important. I look around and see that the large emergency sign is no longer lit up. Fear shakes my soul. What happened? Did she…?

"She's in the intensive care area, resting. She's not awake yet, but we're not allowed to see her yet." I hear the small voice from beside me say.

I let out a sigh of relief and sit down. What am I supposed to do now? Kyla's here, so there's really no need for me to be here. I should go home, she should be with her sister. I… I should leave, it's not like I'm on the top of Ashley's "who-I-wanna-see-first-when-I-wake-up" list, especially considering that it's my fault that she's in there and how she ran away from me. But…I want to…No. I need to talk to her. I can't stop the feeling inside me that's telling me to be beside her.

What if she pulls away? What if she doesn't want to talk to me? No, I'll talk to her, even if I have to force her.

I'm snapped out of my daze when I see Kyla suddenly standing up.

"Hey, look. I'm gonna go." She says, slightly uncomfortably. Wait. Go? Go where?

"Where are you going?" I ask in confusion.

"Home, of course." She says, as though it should be obvious.

"But why, aren't you gonna stay with her?" Don't tell me that she's gonna brush off her own sister.

"I would, but it seems that you have that covered." She gives me a small smile.

"Wait, what do you mean?" I ask in confusion, shouldn't she be the one to stay?

"Oh, don't you wanna stay?" She asks nervously, slightly embarrassed.

"No, no I do, but since you're family, shouldn't you stay?"

"Well, the only reason I'm here is because they called me, not that I'm saying I'm not worried or anything! I just don't feel that it's my place to stay." She replies cautiously, her eyes seem truthful and her voice sincere.

"Then whose place is it? To be here, I mean." I watch her actions curiously as she slings the strap of her bag over her shoulder.

She turns away from me, as if starting to leave, but she doesn't move and instead just allows her back to face me.

Then, it seemed so quiet, so gentle, yet filled with emotion. Her voice seemed hard, yet scared, frightened almost.

"Yours." And with that, she started walking away.

I watched her figure start to grow smaller and smaller. I…What should I do? She… She knows what happened to Ashley… She was there when she broke down… This is…This is my chance. I need to know what happened to her. I need to know what happened to Ashley.

"Wait!" I call out, hoping she'd hear me before it was too late.

With luck finally on my side, she stops abruptly before slowly turning on her heel to face me. She looks to me with a blank expression on her face and I run up to her until I'm standing before her. She looks somewhat shocked and curious as to why I'm now only a foot away.

"Yes, is there something else?" She inquires, looking at my slightly panicked form.

"I…uh, I want to talk to you about something." I say, taking in deep breaths.

"Yes?" I inspect her form, wondering carefully if she's showing any sign of irritation or annoyance.

I see none, only patience, and frankly, I'm quite surprised, but thankful. Thankful that she's willing to put up with me.

"Um, I wanted to ask you something." I say, slightly hesitant towards the end.

"What?" She replies, continually looking to me in curiosity.

"But…Um, do you have anywhere you need to be right now? Cause, this might take a while." I try and explain.

She looks down at her watch and faces me again.

"No, not really." She decides, and gives me a small smile.

"I…I wanted to ask you about Ashley." I say quietly.

Her face scrunches up a bit, but she looks to be in deep thought, and the expression goes away. Her eyebrows are furrowed, but she's not mad, just concentrated. I think she knows that it's necessary that she tells me. I think she knows that it's vital I find out.

"I…I would ask Ashley, but-"

"Don't" She interrupts.

"I don't think that Ashley herself realized exactly what it was she was doing. The media think they know the truth, but there was more to it then just curling up on the floor and crying". She sighs deeply, and a glaze covers her eyes as she looks off into the far distance. "So much more."

My eyes flitter around for a moment, but I see the small change in her face from the corner of my eye. Her hard face softens slightly, her mouth opens to speak.

"Not here. Let's go somewhere where we can sit." It's quiet, scared. Of what, I'm not sure.

I nod my head blankly and follow her as she makes her way to the elevator. When we get there, she pushed for the main floor and we both make our way down to the café.

"You wanna get anything to eat before we start?" I offer.

She gives me a look of disgust, as though she'd throw up instantly if she were to eat any food. I wonder why.

"No, it's fine. I don't think I could stomach any food."

I nod my head and go against my original decision to get a bite to eat.

We take a seat down in a table, far from any other people. This is it. I finally get to know what happened. It couldn't have been that bad, could it?

"Um, it was when I first met Ashley. She was a total bitch at first…but one day, something just changed…"

TBC

-----------------------------

Whooo...Cliffhanger...Well, not really.

Soo? How'd you like it? Or hate it?

Okay, so yeah...I don't really know what else to say...so I'm gonna go now. REMEMBER TO COMMENT! It's one of the things that keep my eyes awake and writing when I'm supposed to be working during class.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

You better beleive it! I AM BACK! BOO YEAH BITCH! Woot! I finally get to post up a chapter after my miny haitus thing there.

So, yeah...sorry about that. Exams were a killer, and even by the end of exams I still hadn't written the chapter, so I had to do that over the weekend, and I jsut typed it today.

Okay, so yeah. Well...I'll just say this now...as much as I would like to say that I'm free the entire summer and have tons of time to write... Well, let's put it like this...God created this horrible thing cause he decided one day to be mean, and then he called it summer school. Yep, you heard me, summer school. I have to go to summer school for a credit I didn't sign up for next year, so.... I'll still update though, just not as much as I'd like.

Okay, not that that's out of the way, let's get down to business. I will tell you some things about this chapter, one, it is not edited, and two, there are parts that you will not like, and parts that you will absolutely love. I decided that there had t be a good sibling in here somewhere.... Also, I tried to reward you guys with a long chapter since you've all been waiting pretty long, so tell me how that worked out, kay?!

Anyways, on with the story. And remember, comments are much appreciated!

Chapter 15

*Spencer's P.O.V*

"But one day…something just changed…She was finally warming up to me, and I with her. Our dad was forcing for us to be together, threatening to take away our inheritance if we didn't comply." She sighs deeply before continuing.

"I thought I'd finally gotten through to her. We were hanging out, making jokes, just having fun. I guess you say that we were finally sisters, or that's what it felt like. Then, one day, when we were out shopping, we came across the pride parade, and that's where it all started. She started freaking out, saying she wanted to leave and get the hell out of there. I was shocked of course. I have many friends who were involved in the pride, and I am bi myself, so I personally felt insulted that she wanted to leave and that she freaked out."

She pauses for a moment, blinking a few times before she starts again.

"I confronted her about that, asking her if she was a homophobic. She denied it of course, but I only laughed at that. I asked her why she would want to leave so much if she wasn't a homophobic. She only continued to deny everything, and started acting nervous. She started freaking out even more when I started pressing her for answers. She completely closed off, and when I asked Aiden and Madison, they only told me not to bother with it. I obviously didn't listen to them, wanting to get down to the bottom of it. So, I started to snoop around. Don't get me wrong though, it's not like I actually went through her clothes and stuff, I just paid more attention to her behavior; words and actions. Several times I caught her subtly checking girls out, and I didn't miss the bored intonation in her voice when the subject of guys came up."

She lets out a small smile, but it betrays her eyes which are filled with inconceivable sadness.

"So, I gathered from my investigation that she was gay. Then, one evening, I decided to corner her and confront her about it. I asked her if she was gay and she outright denied it, yelling and screaming that I was stupid for coming to that conclusion. So to speak, she became hysterical."

She chuckles out weakly, but like before, her smile doesn't reach her eyes.

"She started getting extremely defensive, saying that it was impossible for her to be gay, that it was disgusting, a sin. And that's when I snapped, like I said, I'm bi myself, so I took this very personally. I started pressing her more, pushing her for answers as to why she was being so weird. Then, I asked her why she thought there was something wrong with being gay. And…she just stared at me, like I had suddenly transformed into a different person. I remember thinking about how big her eyes looked, as though they would pop out of her head. She…um…her eyes started going dull, and- Well, what I mean to say is…" She sighs deeply, rubbing her temple.

"I can't exactly explain what I saw, but it wasn't pretty. It's like I just saw her die a little inside. Her eyes, they started glazing over, as though she was high, almost painfully. And then…all of a sudden, she just started to grasp her head, almost as though she was in pain, maybe she was. And, she just screamed. She let out the longest and loudest cry I've ever heard." Kyla lets out a somewhat crooked laugh, and I won't lie, it hurts to hear it.

"She um… She just kept yelling, all I could do was run to her, try and calm her down and apologize, saying that it was okay. After that, she just fainted and fell unconscious. I started panicking. I didn't think to call 911 and instead, called the two people who knew her most." She pauses a bit, in a daze, her fingers slowly drumming down onto the table.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

I stare encompassed at her drumming fingers, but my trance is broken when a voice fills the air.

"They said that it probably wasn't necessary to bring her to the hospital. What I didn't see coming though, was Aiden suddenly snapping at me. He started yelling at me, saying that it was my fault she ended up like this. Madison actually had to hold him back and restrain him, but it took him a while to calm down. He was still yelling out profanities and telling me that I shouldn't have said anything. He said that I was crazy for thinking that she was gay. He wouldn't stop yelling and calling out at me until Madison slapped him and shut him up. She told him to calm down and that it was his fault as much as it was hers. I never understood what they meant by that, and in some ways, I still don't. After a while of getting everyone calmed down, Ashley finally woke up, but she wasn't like before. The glaze continued to take over her eyes, and she wouldn't move or eat. She wouldn't even speak. She just stared into space, and rocked back and forth."

I see her fingers trail up to the necklace that hangs loose around her neck. The small pendant of a music note occupies her hands.

"We tried to get her to eat, to move, but she wouldn't. She was like a living corpse, there but not there. I tried talking to her, cautiously this time, so I wouldn't scare her away. But she would often just look through me and nod her head blankly. I'd often find her staring out the window, just rocking herself back and forth…It took a while, but after a few days, we finally got her to eat. She only ate a little and sometimes, she threw up what she ate and more. But we though, at least she's eating. Though, one time, when she was looking out the window, and I was trying to get her to eat, she finally spoke again. She didn't look at me when she was speaking, just continued to look out the window. But I still remember it."

-------------------------------------Flashback (Kyla's P.O.V) ---------------------------------------

_Oh God, what do I do? She'll barely eat anything, and she throws up more then she eats. _

_What do I do? This is all my fault. Maybe if I hadn't asked her, pushed her, she wouldn't be like this. Damn me and my stupidity!!!_

_Okay, just stop. Stop worrying about it. Just go in there and do everything possible to get her to eat. _

_I open the door with my hand, while carefully balancing the tray of food in the other. I sneak in carefully, trying not to make a noise, or anything abrupt. I see her by the same place she's been in for the past couple of days, the window. _

_She won't stop looking out the window, she'll just keep staring. I take a seat by the foot of her bed and feel it sink in under me. I lay the tray on my lap before I turn my head to face her. _

"_Ashley." I say in a quiet whisper, trying to get her attention._

_As usual, she doesn't do anything to acknowledge my existence and I let out a large sigh._

"_Ashley, c'mon, it's time to eat" I try to say in a tone that's not so much pleading, but it's hard, because that's what I'm doing. _

"_Ashley, c'mon, you have to eat." I do everything in my power to keep my voice from cracking._

"_Ashley, please eat, you'll get sick if you don't." Shit, my voice is cracking._

_No, I told myself that I wouldn't cry. _

"_Ash, please eat. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean it. I take it back, so please eat." My weak and pathetic voice fills the room, and I let the stray tears fall down my face. _

"_You don't have to explain yourself, I'll forget everything, just please…" My voice is flat out begging her. I don't care anymore, I'll bed and plead, I just want her to stop this. I try and bite back the tears, but to no avail, and instead, I only succeed in choking on my words. _

_Silence fills the room and I hang my head in shame. What kind of sister am I? I…I don't know what to do. How do I make this better? This is all my fa-_

"_It's not your fault." A quiet and very raspy voice speaks out. _

_My head shoots up to her, only now realizing the owner of the voice. _

_She spoke…She spoke!_

_Her head doesn't move from it's position and there's no indication that she's made a move at all, but she spoke, and that's something._

"_It really isn't your fault." She speaks out again. _

"_There's just things that I can't forgive myself for…" I continue to watch her, only getting a good view of her back. _

_What is it? What did she do?_

"_You just reminded me of her…so much." I don't say a word, instead, trying to understand the content and meaning behind her words. Remind her of who?_

_She doesn't continue and instead, another pause fills the room. You could probably cut the tension with a knife. I wait a little while longer, seeing if she'll continue her words, but nothing comes my way. I let out a small sigh, and decide to be the one to initiate it. _

"_Who? Who do I remind you of?" I say quietly, as if I'm afraid to scare off a small animal. Somehow, I think that's what she's turned into, an animal._

"_Blue" The simple word escapes her lo[s as a soft and quiet whisper, almost so low that it would seem not to be intended for human ears._

_But I heard it._

"_And, who's that?" I steady my shaking voice. I don't know why I'm shaking. I guess I'm sorta scared to know who…but then, if she was so bad, why would I remind Ashley of her?_

_She doesn't answer again, and I'm left completely in the dark. I let out a small sigh of relief, but I'm ashamed that I did. I want to know who she is, but I'm scared to know._

_The room is quiet again, and all I can hear is the quiet, and somewhat uneven, breathing coming from her. Moments pass, and I notice the slight change, the every so small difference in her breath intake. It's sharper now, and she's breathing more. I… I think she's crying…but I won't go there to check._

_I don't think I deserve to._

"_She's someone I hurt." Her voice comes in again, and I try to ignore the slight cracking in it, but I can't, it's too hard._

_I sniffle slightly, only now realizing that my tears, despite having slowed, have yet to stop. I tear my eyes away from her for a second. I take my hand and rub my arm slightly, a habit I've developed when nervous. What should I do? Should I ask her? Should I wait for her to tell me?_

_As I go over my thoughts, my decision is made for me only a second later._

"_She didn't deserve it…" She sounds as though she'll continue, as so I let her._

"_I just...I never understood who she really was." Her head tilts slightly, and it gives me a small view of her face, allowing me to see the small tears making its way down her emotionless face. _

"_It's just that…she wasn't supposed to-"Before she can finish that sentence, she immediately cuts herself off, letting out a large sigh. _

"_No, no. I can't blame her, it wasn't her fault." She decides adamantly. It almost seems as though she's talking to herself. I wonder if she remembers that I'm here. _

_I bite my bottom lip and continue to rub my arm slightly, deciding on whether or not I should get a word in. _

"_I'm sorry, I guess I haven't really told you much about her." This comes to me as a surprise, so she does know I'm here._

"_No, not really." My voice speaks out, and it sounds quite hoarse, much like hers. I let out a weak and pathetic chuckle to try and lighten the mood. Of course, it doesn't surprise me to see that it doesn't work._

_She continues to face the window, looking silently though what seems to be a portal to somewhere else, or sometime else. She's searching for something there, but not there. _

"_I guess…I guess you could call her a friend." She ponders for a second and it leaves me thinking. What does she mean by that? She's either a friend, or she isn't, right?_

"_But that's not really what I thought of her as." She continues. _

_Then what was she? How could someone be your friend, but not your friend?_

"_She never knew just how much of a horrible person I was, am. She never knew until the time that I finally saw the kind of person she was."_

_What…?_

"_We had hung out together for a little but of time. She wasn't popular, and instead, was often bullied. I guess that's the reason why I never hung out with her in front of anyone. She was a secret, a guilty pleasure. She saw sides of me that no one saw, that no one was supposed to see."_

_She takes in a deep breath before continuing. _

"_But I betrayed her, because I thought that she betrayed me." _

_I stare at her, mouth slightly agape. I can't bear to tell her that none of this is really making much sense to me right now. _

_She finally turns her head to me, and for the first time in days, I finally see her full face other then from the reflection of the glass._

_Her eyes are red, dark bangs occupying the surrounding area. Her hair has completely lost it's luster, and tear streaks are racing down her face. The confident air about her is completely gone as she wraps her arms around her knees tighter. Our eyes meet and I notice that the chocolaty hazel colour they once were has turned into a dark, blackish brown. Looking at them makes me feel as though I've been plunged into a deep abyss._

_My breath catches in my throat as I stare at her eyes and take in her expression. Strangely enough, despite the despair filled eyes, her stoic look has yet to change. _

_We continue out hold on each other's eyes before I start to see tears growing on the brim of her eyes. She…She looks so small, so fragile. _

_She finally breaks the eye contact and returns to looking back at the window, searching through time it seems. _

"_She knows…I told her…That I was, am, gay, I mean. She was the first one that ever found out, I think she knew before I did. She was weird like that, weird in the way that she would know things about you that you possibly didn't know about yourself. Weird in the way that she knew what would make you feel better, and that you mean it each time you pathetically and unconvincingly apologize. That's why I often wondered if it was a dream…If it was real.'_

_So she is gay, I was right. Not that any of that matter anymore. All that matters is finding out what the hell happened, and going back to normal._

"_It didn't matter though, because she was in my dreams as well. She plagued my dreams each night, even before I met her. But I never knew that until later, I didn't know that she was Blue."_

_She shifts somewhat in her seat but doesn't make a move._

"_But I did find out eventually. Once I did, I though that the world was so much better. I though that everything seemed brighter, just cause she was in it. I just didn't know at the time how she would react, and frankly, how I would react." Her voice is starting to crack again, but more this time. _

"_I don't understand, Ash. What happened?" My voice is shaky, and I realize that I'm trembling somewhat. If I were to voice my fear, I'd probably be screaming at the top of my lungs right now, but I also know that if she were too, hers would only drown mine out. _

"_I finally invited her to eat with me and the others. I just never would've guessed what happened next. It just went by too fast. It felt like everything zoomed past me, and before I knew it, it happened."_

_Her voice becomes lower, and I'm very scared of what she'll say next._

"_She said it, Ky. She told them something that no one was ever supposed to know. She told them something that wasn't supposed to be true. And she didn't just stop there, she kept going, telling them things they weren't supposed to know, that no one was supposed to know. And that's when I snapped. I just lost myself, and I did it…" Just when I thought that her voice couldn't get any lower, she did it. _

"_Did what?" I speak out softly and quietly._

_She turns to me again and… …Oh, Ashley…_

_I look to her tear streaked face and for the first time in a long while, I see emotion clearly evident. Her lips are quivering and shaking, and her eyes are large. A look of fear, sadness, anger, hate, cowardice, hurt, pain, and…sorrow. _

"_I hurt her." She squeaks out in a cracked voice before she starts breaking down and crying again, but this time, I run to her, spilling the food that was on my lap, everywhere. I just softly hold her in my arms. She isn't screaming this time, but she's sobbing heavily and gasping for breath adamantly as I feel the tears soak through my shirt. _

_I gently stroke her head, feeling her clutch to me tightly, silently saying "I'm sorry" through loud sobs. _

"_Shh, it'll be okay." I assure her. "I promise."_

_I'm scared though, I'm not too sure that that's a promise I can keep._

_---- ---- ---- ----_

_It's been three days since Ashley first opened up to me, and since then, I've learned more about her._

_She's told me more, got into more detail so to speak. Spencer, that's her name, and she…I don't know. I can't judge anyone, I have no place in what happened. My place is here, now. _

_She wouldn't tell me exactly how she hurt her, just that it was really bad, that it probably ended up ruining her life. She kept saying that she never meant to hurt her, it's just that she "lost herself'. I don't get that, what does she mean she "lost herself"?_

_Nonetheless, I kept by her side, calmly allowing her to spill more of herself, more of who Ashley Davies is. I…I think I get it now, that part of her she was trying to hide, was just so…weak. But then again, what do I know, I've only been her sister for a few weeks. _

_Aiden and Madison, well…she won't see them. She sys that she doesn't want to see either of their faces right now, that she wouldn't even look at her own if she had a choice._

_Madison's taken it well, surprisingly, but Aiden is being the stuck bull that he is, trying his best to barge in here, and to try to see her. Luckily, I've been able to keep him at bay, of course, not without effort, that guy's huge._

_So that pretty much sums up these past few days. Some how though, I can't help but feel I've really become a sister… As corny as and lame that sounds, it's true, I mean, the things she's told me are just on another level. Though…I don't want to admit it…but I'm somewhat scared. Scared as to why she's telling me all this, as to what will happen. I don't know why…but I can feel it…I know that I shouldn't be, I don't even think that anything will happen to me, but it doesn't stop the shivers that occasionally run up my spine. _

"_Kyla!" I jump up from my place in bed._

"_Kyla!" Ashley's frantic calling doesn't cease, and I clumsily try to open the door and run down the stairs without breaking anything, or tripping, but to no avail. Luckily, it was only the last three steps, but still land on my butt._

"_Kyla!!" Her yelling is becomes louder and more frantic._

'_What the fuck is going on?! It's the middle of the night!! I'll kill anyone who hurts you!'_

_I get off my ass, not even taking a second to rub the sore spot, and instead, run to the source of the noise. Unfortunately for me, this place is friggin huge._

_**Thump. Thump. Thump.**_

_I hear someone banging wildly at the door, and Ashley continually yelling my name. I make my way through the large living room and to the front door only to see Ashley leaning against it with all her weight, desperately trying to hold back whoever was trying to get in, and pounding heavily against the wood. _

_I can hear a muffled voice from the other side, it sounds like a man's. I look to Ashley's grief stricken eyes, and then to the door in a confused manner, and she just shakes her head "No", and I don't ask any more questions. Instead, I look around the room for anything resembling a weapon. _

_Unfortunately, the only thing in sight is a can of air freshener, but I take it anyway. Poising in the same way that a baseball player might with a bat, I mouth for her to open the door but she just frantically shakes her head and mouths "No"._

_I snarl at her to move and she winces back a bit, but continually holds her ground. _

"_Ashley, move!" I call out in a hushed whisper._

_She looks confused as to what she should do, but still continues to hold against the door, feeling the dull blows of the strangers hand through the wood._

_I let out another sigh. How the hell am I supposed to protect her if she doesn't let me get to him?!_

_BAM!_

_I see a shell shocked Ashley fall down on her ass due to the hard blow of the banging door, one which he is now tackling!_

"_Um, oh no he didn't! That fucking bastard, I'm gonna kill him!"_

_I grit my teeth in anger and walk towards the door, but suddenly feel Ashley's arms loop from under my arms to try and hold me back. _

"_Let me go Ashley! I'm gonna fucking castrate him!!" I yell out, no longer bothering to keep the volume of my voice to a minimum. Like hell I'm gonna allow some creepy stalker hurt my sister and get away with it!_

_I break free from her grasp, and she just slowly backs off and mumbles to herself, pacing back and forth as she does so. _

_I slowly approach the door, and I can feel Ashley's eyes on me, I feel like I can actually hear her biting her nails in nervousness. _

_The assault on the door never ceases as the mystery assailant continues to tackle it. I turn off the lock, keeping the door closed and poise myself, while holding my weapon. _

_I hear his muffles yell as he charges the door and in that precise moment, I open the door and halfheartedly swing my weapon._

_Bam!_

_Then as if in slow motion, the scene plays out before me. _

"_Fuuuuuck!" Is heard in a distorted voice, like I said, slow motion. I hear the voice yelp in pain as he falls back majestically and lands on his back._

_I try to keep my hands from shaking as I see the familiar form on the floor, likely unconscious due to the blow of the can. Ashley looks over my shoulder, making sure to keep her distance. _

'_Are you fucking serious?!' I yell in my head as I kneed down to the unconscious dark haired man, known to be, formerly or not, my sister's best friend. _

_I feel her wince back at the sight, and I let out a small sigh. At least it wasn't a psycho killer person. _

…_Fuck! What if I killed him?!_

"_Aiden! Aiden! Aiden, can you hear me?!" I cry out in a panic. _

_Fuck, what if I killed him, or permanently damaged his brain. Well, that's if he has one of course. No! Stop Kyla, this is not the time to be making jokes. _

"_Aiden, wake up! C'mon, you've taken worse then this!" I yell at him, not getting a response. _

_Shit! Now I'm gonna go to jail and never be able to live out my dream. No! I wouldn't do well in prison! The things they wear are drab and horrible, plus, I can't pee in front of other people!_

_I feel my breathing become faster and Ashley's hand on my back, rubbing slightly. _

_Wait! That's right, I can call it self defense. I mean, he was banging on the door like a maniac in the middle of the night. That's right, Ashley will vouch for me. I'm sure he's not even that great of a friend anyway. Seriously, what kind of a friend scares the crap out of their besties by acting like a creepy stalker. I'm actually doing the world a favour by ridding it of him. I'm sure he's the type of person that wipes his nose everywhere, and throws garbage on the floor without a second thought, and even makes fun of the homeless and less fortunate. See, the world will be thanking me, and when they bury him th-_

"_Uuugh"_

_Oh thank God he's alive!_

_I look to the slightly motionless man below me who's eyelids are now fluttering open._

"_Ugh." He lets out another noise through parted lips. _

_Then, his eyes cease their fluttering movement, and his tongue lolls out of his mouth._

_Shit. _

"_No,no,no,no,no. No, you see, I just brought you back to life, and I can't wear those disgusting orange jumpers and my dream is waiting for me." I start to ramble. _

_No response comes and I bend down lower and stare at him._

"_No, okay, you cannot be dead, cause I refuse to go there. No, wait, it doesn't matter, cause I won't, since no one will care, cause you're a horrible person."_

_Again, no response. _

"_Ugh, wake up you stupid idiot!" I pull my hand back and slap him across the face, hard. _

_His eyes shoots open as he lets out another yelp. I let out a sigh of relief as I lean back on my palms. _

_Thank. Fucking. God._

_I look to him and see him shooting daggers at me._

"_Not helping!" He snarls at me and I hear Ashley muffle a small laugh behind me. I feel my lips curving upward a bit. If that's what it takes to make her laugh, then I'd hit this guy again a million times just to hear it. _

_He sits upright and rubs his sore cheek, and head, one that now has a bump that is increasingly growing. _

"_What the hell was that for?" He growls out at me. _

_Excuse me?!! This guy comes in here and tackles the door and he's asking __**me **__for explanations?!! _

"_You were the one going all psycho killer on us!" I say defensively. _

'_Ashley knew very well who I was!" He calls out and I turn around to look behind me at Ashley. She looks away sheepishly and guiltily. _

"_Then don't you think that it's obvious she didn't want you here?!" I say in her defense. _

"_Yeah, but-" He stops abruptly, not being able to say anything. Instead, he looks away and pouts angrily like a little child. _

"_Get out Aiden." The small and fragile voice from behind me speaks out. _

'"_Ash-" He tries to speak, but is quickly interrupted. _

"_Out! I don't want to talk to you right now, Aiden. I don't even want to see you." She calls out in a small yet threatening voice. _

"_No Ash, I won't let you go through this on your own." He says defiantly. _

_I hear Ashley release a small sigh before turning back to him. _

"_Please, Aid. Please just leave. I just- I just can't handle this right now." She says with a pleading tone. _

_He falters for a bit, face slightly falling, but he regains his composure quickly and furrows his eyebrows. _

"_No, we need to talk, now." He says sternly. _

_I look to Ashley, not really sure what to do in this situation. _

"_Can you go and get some ice from the store Ky?" She calls out softly, and weakly. _

_Frankly, I have half a mind to say no. I really don't want to leave her with him, but since the ice is for his head, and I was the one that made the bump, I feel I should go. Actually, I wouldn't really mind seeing it swell up to four times its size, but I won't deny that it's my fault. _

_I give her a small nod, but let her see the pout on my face. She gives me a small smile, that unfortunately, doesn't reach her eyes, before I leave the room to get changed. _

_I dress out of my pyjamas and into a wife beater and jeans cause it's cold, taking my sweater and purse as I head down. _

_They're gone from their spot at the door and have settled in the living room. Aiden's on the couch, but Ashley's standing up and keeping a safe distance from him with her arms crossed defensively. _

_I walk over to her and reach in my purse, and hand her a can of mace. She takes it and engulfs me in a hug. Once she releases me, I turn to him and narrow my eyes in an attempt at intimidation. He only rolls his eyes at me and I leave the room, closing the door behind me. _

_---- ---- ---- ----_

_Fourty five minutes. Fourty five minutes is how long it took me to find an open store at this ungodly hour. I mean, this is L.A for goodness sake, I thought everything here was supposed to run for twenty four hours or something!_

_I should've gotten a cooler or something, cause by the time I get home in this dark, the ice will be melted. Oh well, it's not like she really needed it anyway. If she really needed the ice, she wouldn't gone to the fridge and gotten it. I guess that's the only excuse that ran through her mind for me to leave. I don't mind, I get that they have to talk. I just don't like the idea of leaving her with him. _

_Geez, when did I become so defensive? …Oh wait…I think…Oh, that's right…_

_When I became a sister. _

_A small smile creeps up my face at the thought and I gun the engine on the way home. I make it there in record time and I struggle to balance the large bag of half melted ice while trying to open the door. _

_I finally achieve my goal only to see that no lights are open, there's no one here. _

"_Ashley?!" I call out the empty hall. _

_Oh, God…what if…I'll kill him if he tried anything. _

_I drop the bag and run through the halls, calling out Ashley's name. I scan the entire first floor and see no one. I head upstairs and bolt into her room._

_She's curled up into a ball in her sheets, hugging her form tightly against herself. I run to her side. _

"_Ashley, Ashley, what's wrong? What did he do to you? I knew it was a bad idea to leave you two alone in here. Oh, God, if he harmed a hair on your head, I'll make su-"_

"_He didn't do anything, Kyla." She says quietly and softly. _

_I look her straight in the eyes and see the familiar glaze over them, the ones filled with despair. Her eyes are red and tears stained her face. _

_The sight only proceeding to shatter my heart. _

"_Ash? Ash, what's wrong?"_

"_Kyla, it's okay. I just need to be alone right now, okay?" She begs me quietly. I can't help that my heart lunges at hearing it. _

"_Okay, Ash. Tell me if you need anything, okay? I'll be here in a heartbeat." I give her a soft smile and reassure her slightly by rubbing her head slightly. _

_She gives me a small smile, but it hurts to know that it betrays her eyes. I lay a soft kiss on her forehead and walk away silently. _

"_Thank you for all you've done." She says quietly and somewhat shyly. I nod in her direction before telling her goodnight, which she returns. I head outside the room, looking back one last time before closing the lights and closing the door behind me. _

_I let out a quiet and soft sigh, taking in the tiring night, then head to my room, flopping down on the bed and trying to salvage what was left of the night…or in this case…morning._

_---- ---- ---- _

_Buzz Buzz Buzz_

'_Huh? What?' _

_I look around the to try and see the source of the noise, and locate the buzzing alarm clock and throw it against the wall in my sleepy stupor. _

_I'll just sleep for another five minutes. _

…

…

…

_Shit! What time is it?!_

_I roll off my bed ungracefully and get off my ass to look at the remnants of my alarm clock. _

_Fuck! I'm late!_

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

_I chant the mantra in my head while trying desperately to put on clothes without falling on my ass once again. Jumping on one foot, I attempt to get my other in the tight stocking that refuses to cooperate. _

_Once I'm fully and appropriately clothed, I look in the mirror, quickly washing my face and brushing my hair. I'll just do the make up there. I head outside the room and decide to check up on Ashley before I leave. _

_I quietly creep up to her room and open the door a crack. She's still sleeping, curled up in the same ball. _

_I don't want to leave her, but this is a good opportunity for me. Besides, she'll call me if anything goes wrong. _

_I close the door quietly and make my way downstairs. _

_I take out the message paper and leave her a note saying for her to call me if anything goes wrong, or if she doesn't feel well. I head out the door, letting out a yawn and stretching stiff bones before walking over to my car._

_---- ---- ----_

_I let out a small yawn before driving the last block to my house and heading in the large mansion. I walk up to the door and unlock it, striding in with a bag of groceries in the other. I make my way to the kitchen and situate the groceries in their proper places, then start my way upstairs. _

_**Thump! Thump! Thump!**_

"_Ashley?!" I yell out from the hall._

_**Thump, thump, thump, thump!**_

_Opening the door, I look on over and-_

"_Ashley!"_

_**Thump…**_

_**Thump…**_

_**Thump…**_

_TBC…_

Dun dun dun....Heheh...I made another cliffhanger...

So? How'd you like it ? Or hate it? Tell me by commenting!


	16. Chapter 16

HAND DYING! TOO MUCH TYPING!!!!

On a serious note, I have some warning for this chapter.

Warning

1) Not for the faint of heart.  
This chapter has some...disturbing content, so if you do not like imagining  
things like blood, then click off.  
2) I AM NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST!  
All the psychoanalysis stuff is crap, made by me.

Yeah...I think that's it...

So, anyways, about the last chapter, the THUMP THUMP thing in bold was Kyla tapping her finger, if anyone got confused by that. ALso, I just wanted to say that the smut scene is not taking place soon. The story got exteneded so I have to delay it...So, about this chapter, you will either LOVE IT or HATE IT, or it will confuse you to hell...

Okay, I think that's it....

REMEMBER TO COMMENT! I ALWAYS APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENTS, AND THEY'RE WHAT MADE ME STAY UP UNTIL NOW TO FINISH TYPING THIS UP!!

Okay, here goes nothing...

Chapter 16

*Spencer's P.O.V*

The drumming of her fingers slowed, then stopped abruptly. The look on her face was showing me nothing but fear and despair, and now, I know that mine is as well.

I see her lip quivering slightly as she continually opens and closes her mouth in an attempt to speak. She finally shuts it close and lets in a deep breath through her nose, then out her mouth. Her eyes look lost, look to be in anguish as she stares down adamantly at her hand, as though she might be able to go through time by doing so.

I look to her fingers which are trembling noticeably as she traces random patterns on her hand. The same hand then pulls away and proceeds to rub her arm. She nervous, or scared. I can't tell.

She finally looks up to meet my eyes and I note the redness in her eyes, but I don't say anything. I don't think I should.

She breathes in sharply and rubs her arm harder, before she's able to find her voice an continue.

"Um…sorry. I guess I really shouldn't be crying." She chuckles out lightly.

"It's just- Just weird, you know? I mean, I barely knew the girl, but I found myself taking care and looking after her. But then again, that's the thing with Ashley, she has this childlike innocent quality where once you get to know her, it's like you can't help but find yourself wanting to care for her. I always thought that she resembled a little kid. She did immature things, whined till she got what she wanted, and got into petty fights." She let's a small smile curve up on her lips.

"I remember, before everything happened, we went to the park once, and she actually got into a fight with an eight year old boy who was teasing a little girl." She lets out a small laugh as she reminisces on the memory. "You should've seen her! I mean, imagine a 22 year old Ashley crouching down to the level of the eight year old and staring him down! It was priceless!" For a moment, just a split second, her small smile breaks out into a full blown grin. But then, the small yet meaningful sentiment disappears quickly, leaving behind the terror filled face it was beforehand.

She lets out a sigh and we meet each other's eyes. I think…I think I know what she means. I felt that was too. But, I'm worse, for me it was in a bad way. I was a horrible person for the secret pleasure of seeing her sad, because even though I knew it made her cry, I would always revel in the fact that only I saw those tears. But that's a fair exchange for what those glances cost me in the end. But that doesn't matter now, the past is the past. What matters now is that I find out what happened. I know that I shouldn't judge and measure the pain and torture that she might've been through, but call it another guilty pleasure that I do.

I see Kyla shift in her seat a little, all the while biting her bottom lip, contemplating. Her eyes have yet to lose their redness, and the spot she's rubbing on her arm looks like it might be the same colour soon.

I give her a small nod and she takes it as a sign to continue. She furrows her eyebrows before opening her mouth to speak again.

'What- What I saw…and what she did…I don't think there are words to describe it, but…

--------------------------------------Flashback Kyla's P.O.V----------------------------------------

"_Ashley!"_

_I see my sister with her back to me, sitting on the floor, on her knees. She turns her head around to look at me and an eerily large grin breaks out in her face. _

"_Kyla! Look! Look! Isn't it pretty?!"_

_She exclaims excitedly, holding up her hand. _

"_Ashley, stop! What did you do?!" _

_I yell out to her face. My entire body is shaking, my knees are weak, and I feel the bile rise up inside of me._

"_What?"_

_She looks to me with a perfectly innocent face, as though she actually thinks that there's nothing wrong._

_I…Oh God. I think I'm gonna throw up._

"_Kyla, look! I did good didn't I?!" _

_She asks amazingly as she stares in astonishment to her work._

_Why- she- How is this-_

_My knees give in under me as I collapse to the floor, the smell creeping up into my nose while I look at her arm. I see her expression from the corner of my eye and it shows nothing but amazement, pride, happiness, glee…insanity. _

_Oh God._

_I quickly get to my feet and run to the nearest bathroom, quickly emptying out my stomach's contents. I make an attempt to get up, but feel my stomach heave again as my sense of smell remembers the disgusting and atrocious scent. _

_My entire body refuses to stop trembling as I feel the fat tears roll down my face, doing nothing but blur my vision. _

"_Kyla?!"_

_She calls out with concern laced in her voice._

_How could she… How could she even act like that Like she did nothing wrong?! Like she's not in pain?! _

_Once again, I feel a force tug at my stomach. There's no longer anything to throw up, and so stomach acid forces it's way through my throat, burning it in the process. I ignore it though, it doesn't matter right now. _

_I ease my way back into her room, and she's sitting in the same position as before, staring at me curiously for a second. _

"_Are you okay?" _

_She asks it in a rather child disposition. That's what she been acting like, a child._

"_Ashley, what- what did you do?"_

_I call out in a cracked voice, hugging my own body slightly to stop my tremoring._

_She looks to me again, and I see the glint in her eyes, sending chills up my spine. _

"_What's wrong, Kyla? You don't like it?" _

_Her voice sounds sad, disappointed. Her face falls and eyebrows furrow in disappointment. _

_I try and resist the urge to look away from the sight and plug my nose at the pungent smell._

_The smell of burned skin, charred flesh, and fresh flowing blood. _

_I look to the atrocious sight that ia her arm and control the urge to let out a large scream._

"_Why don't you like it, Kyla?!" _

_Her voice is despairingly sad._

_I don't understand. I don't know what to do. What should I do?_

_I finally snap out of my weak and pathetic state, forcing my mind to work, to act._

_Ashley pouts then looks away from me, holding up her massacred hand higher and moving it around slightly, as if to see in which light it looks best in. _

_I look to the area she's on, and see the blood spots and stains deep in the light, cream coloured carpet. I look up to her hand again and take in the disgusting sight. _

_Blood flows freely down her arms from the large cut across her wrist., but not only there, from the cuts, big or small, covering her arm. Pieces of skin has been…torn off, clawed at. Fingernails marks are buried in deep all over the spectacle, leaving pieces of red flesh to show. And lastly, several parts reek of the pungent smell of burned flash, as the, now red, spots, scale down from traces of her wrist to the bone of her elbow. _

_I allow my sight to linger on only for a second before I jump up to my wobbling legs and grab her seemingly "good" hand. Pulling her off her feet, she looks to me incredulously as though I've just punched her in the face. _

_I ignore the look she's giving me and continue on my way to the bathroom, tugging her behind me. I stop for a second, only now feeling the slipperiness of the tips of the fingers I'm holding. I pause slightly in my step and glance over her "good" hand. I feel the urge to throw up rise in me again, as I stare at the blood coating her fingertips, and the pieces of skin and flesh in between her long nails. _

_I let the large shiver run down my entire backside before continuing my way. I reach the washroom with her behind me. I open the tap and allow the water to rush out before shoving her "good" hand under it, washing away the blood. _

_She struggles to pull her hand away, but luckily for me, the weakness accumulated over a long period of time not eating, gives me the advantage. _

_I turn around slightly, still keeping her hand in place, and grab the small washcloth from behind me. I twist back as she continues to give her struggle, but I ignore the weak pull and run the cloth under the water._

"_Nooo!"_

_She yells out, and desperately pulls away harder. She clutches her tortured hand to her chest, small tears building in her eyes. I pull the cloth away from the water, but leave her hand suspended there. I take the damp cloth and take a step towards her. _

_She shakes her head furiously, all the while trembling. _

"_No! You can't!" _

_She pleads out, her eyes widening in fear. _

"_Ashley, I have to do this." _

_I try and tell her calmly, but she refuses to listen and does nothing to stop her ministrations. I take another step towards her and put my hand with the cloth in front of me, making its way towards her arm._

"_No, no, no, no, no, no! Stop!"_

_She calls out like a child about to have their sand castle ruined._

"_Ashley, it'll only hurt more if you keep struggling."_

_Again, she ignores my words, keeping her hand to her chest defensively. _

_I can't do this while keeping her hand in place. Dammit! What if she runs away?!...I'll have to risk it. Making my decision, I let go of her other hand, releasing it from under the flow of water. She snaps her hand back to her chest and shields her other arm using it. _

_She takes a step back when I make a move towards her. Her eyes never leaving mine, watching my every movement in fear. _

_I- Dammit!_

_As soon as I blink, her feet are running out as fast as they can. I quickly follow her and see she's made the mistake of going back to her room, trapping herself._

_She looks around and turns to me when she realizes her own mistake._

"_No. You can't."_

_She cries out and I feel my heart breaking for causing the crack in her voice and the tears in her eyes. I take a step towards her and she takes a step back. We continue this process until she has her back against the frame of her bed, and she falls back unto it when she tries to step away again. Still, she adamantly attempts to escape, moving back until her back has hit the edge of the bed, against the wall. _

_With nowhere to go, I walk towards her, cloth still in hand. I try to softly persuade her to cooperate. _

"_C'mon Ash, give me your arm. I have to clean it or else you'll be in more pain." _

_Once more, she shakes her head no and pleads to me with tear filled eyes. _

"_No Kyla, please don't. I have to do this, why can't you see that?" _

_She pleads out, trying her best to inch away from the cloth. _

"_Do what Ashley? Kill yourself?!" I snap at her, and she winces away for a second. _

_She looks to me with utter confusion in her eyes and just shakes her head._

"_No! I have to let the red flow!" She cries out adamantly, as though it should make perfect sense, as though it's common logic. _

"_The red? You mean the blood?" This time, I'm the one confused. Why does she call it red, I don't get any of this. Why is she acting this way?! She was absolutely fine last night, so why…_

_I snap out of my pondering to see her nod her head._

"_I have to see the red."_

_She whispers out, then looks around in fear and suspicion, frantically searching if anybody was watching or listening in._

"_It's the only way to make sure Blue doesn't see me."_

_Again, she whispers it out in a low voice, acting like it's the biggest secret in the world._

_Blue? What does that mean? I- No! I have to do this, she'll be in more pain if I don't. _

"_Don't worry Ash. Blue doesn't exist, it'll be okay." I try and reassure her, but it backfires on me and she looks to me as though I've just taken her child._

"_Blue does exist!! And the only way to make her go away is to keep seeing red! My red!" _

_She yells out in defiance. _

"_Ash, stop this! Blue doesn't exist! There's no one here, and no one will hurt you!" _

_I cry out, trying my best to put some sense into her mind._

"_Yes she does! She does exist! She only comes out at night and this is the only way to make sure she doesn't see me!"_

_She yells out in frustration._

_I let out a deep and annoyed sigh and make my way to her shielded arm, taking her hand softly in an attempt to wipe off the blood from the cuts. The fear returns to her eyes and she strugglers to pull her hand back, but, like before, her strength is too weak and I pull her hand towards me, making sure to keep an eye on her. I wipe away the stray blood flowing down her arm. _

_My stomach lunges at the sight of the raw and burned flesh, but I do my best to continue. _

"_No, no, no, no, no, no, no stop!"_

_She yells out and finally succeeds in breaking free. The tears fall down her face harder, and soon she starts sobbing._

"_I have to keep her away! She can't see me until there's red! It hurts to have her look at me. No! No!"_

_She calls out as she curls up into a ball, her eyes shut tightly while she rocks herself back and forth. I open my mouth to try and say something, but no words come out. I look to her weak and crazed form before finally gathering my words. _

"_Ash, please, I just want to help you." I plead to her in a somewhat broken voice. _

_She opens her eyes to meet mine and the dark orbs become slightly dilated. She bites down on her lip, hard, causing blood to run down to her chin._

_I cast my gaze down in an attempt to look away from the sight, but quickly bring it back up. She's trembling harder then ever as she tries her best to control her sobs, but it proves to be too difficult and they rip through her. _

_I make my way towards her and envelope her, holding her tight against me. _

"_Shh. It'll be okay, I promise."_

_I lie, because I don't know. I don't know if it'll be okay. I don't know what's gonna happen. _

"_Please." She lets out a sob._

"_Please don't let her see me." She begs me, and I only hold her tighter. _

"_Please don't. I can't see her, it hurts." Her voice is weak and pathetic, nothing likethe woman I first met. _

_Now, for the second time, I allow her to sob into my chest, her hands clutching to me in fear._

" _I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" _

_She screams into my shirt, muffling her voice through the cloth. _

"_Please believe me! I'm sorry!"_

_She convulses even harder as she continues to sob into my chest. _

"_Blue…I'm so sorry…"_

_I pull her from my chest slightly, seeing her eyes shut as she whispers something to herself._

"_Ahhhhhhhhhh!"_

_She yells out, taking me by surprise and making me jump slightly. She grabs to her head in pain, and curls up into the same ball. _

_Her screams stop abruptly, and she breathes in deeply again and again, in an attempt to catch her breath._

"_Spencer…I'm sorry…"_

_Her body relaxes and she falls limp, her eyes close and she collapses on the bad, unconscious. I look to her form for a second, shell shocked, before quickly moving off the bed and calling for an ambulance, something that, I now realize, I should've done earlier. _

_Giving them the address and the situation, I quickly call Madison and Aiden. They have a right to know. I don't give them the details and instead tell them that I've called the ambulance for Ashley, and to meet at the nearest hospital. Madison does so without questioning me, but as usual, Aiden wouldn't stop pressing for answers. _

_I ignore him and run to the door when I hear it ring. I lead them to where Ashley is and they quickly take her and put her on a stretcher. I see them inspecting her as they do so, checking out the burns and cuts. _

_I quickly lead them outside where they load her up into the ambulance. I ignore all the eyes staring at us and all the camera flashes coming our way as we try our best to load her up without any problems. _

_I hold her hand when we enter the ambulance, too entranced by the sight of her to answer any of the blurred and faze questions that the paramedics are asking. They finally give up their interrogation and instead, proceed to give her temporary bandages for the raw flesh and burned wounds on her arm, to prevent infection. _

_I see my vision blur and I note the tears that are coming down my face again. When did they stop? 'Oh Ashley, I don't understand. Why did you do something like this? Are you okay? I-'_

_I cut my thoughts short and let out a deep sigh. I rub her hand, tracing random patterns on it as I do so. Looking at her hand, I cringe horrible when I notice the traces of flesh and skin still evident in her long fingernails. _

_I feel a chill run down my spine but I don't dare pull my hand away from hers. I won't abandon her._

_I'm snapped out of my trance when I see the paramedics getting out and I quickly follow them. Running with all my strength, I attempt to follow them as they push her through door after door. _

_We finally reach a two door room and they stop me where I am._

"_We're gonna have to get you to wait here ma'am." One of the nurses in scrubs tells me, and I look to her incredulously. _

_Is she insane?! Does she possible expect me to sit still and do nothing._

"_Don't worry, by the looks of it, she'll just be needing some stitches, so please remain here while she does so." She says when she sees the expression on my face. _

_With nothing to say, I don't argue back and she heads into the room. I look around and settle myself into one of the chairs. After a while, I decide that it's not very comfortable and so I get up and pace back and forth on my shaky and weak legs. It's not long before Madison and Aiden come tearing through the halls and lunge at me. _

"_Is everything okay?"_

"_What happened?!"_

"_Is she alright?"_

"_What did you do?!" _

"_Is it critical?"_

"_Who did this?!"_

_I take several steps back and try to process the barrage of questions in my mind, but to no avail. _

_I only pause at my spot, somewhat shocked at the ambush. Once they see my behavior, they halt their barrage and take a moment themselves to breathe. Madison takes a step towards me and puts both her hands on my shoulders, and meets my eyes softly. _

"_Kyla, it's okay. Just tell us first if she's okay." She calls out in a calming voice. _

_I let out a large breath and open my mouth to speak. For a second nothing comes out, but she patiently waits for me to catch my ability to speak. _

"_Um…she's okay. They said that she just needs a few stitches." I see both their bodies visibly relax from their stiff postures, and Madison lets out a deep sigh of relief._

"_Okay, now tell us what happened." She tells me in the same comforting and calming voice as before. _

_Flashes of the incident go through my mind, and her calming voice is lost on me. I feel shivers come through my entire body and she notices the effect and stiffens in return. _

"_It's okay Kyla, just tell us what happened." She says it slower, as though it might help. It doesn't, but frankly, I don't think anything will. _

_I look to her large brown eyes and the softness in them reminds me of the contrasting ones I stared at earlier. Her eyes are overwhelming me, because they're taking me back, and making me relive the atrocious and disgusting event. _

"_She- I-…Oh God!" I cry out before collapsing into the older girl's arms and sobbing, finally letting out all the pent up fear inside of me. I clutch to her tightly, much like Ashley had done to me earlier. _

_She catches me into her arms and whispers into my ear._

"_It'll be okay."_

_Now I know how Ashley felt to have heard such a big lie. We don't know if it'll be okay. We can only hope so and continue telling the lies as they come, because in the face of such an awful truth, the lies seem to make the world a happier and blissful place. _

'_Ashley, she- she hurt herself real bad!" I cry out._

"_There was cuts and blood everywhere. She- she dug at her skin, and the flesh was showing. And there were burns! There were burn marks all over her arms!" I sob out into her shoulder. Her entire body stiffens and he pulls away slightly to catch my eye._

"_Kyla, I don't understand. What do you mean- How did this-" She attempts to get out full sentences, but nothing proper comes out. _

_I take a second to catch my breath before I look to her. _

"_When- when I came home, she was in her room, on the floor and her entire arm was covered in cuts, burns, and marks." I try and explain, but she continues to give her confused expression and I take it as a sigh to continue. _

"_She um- the way she was acting was all weird, like she was a child, and like it didn't hurt at all. She kept saying that it was pretty, and asking me if I was proud of her." I cry out through my sobs. _

"_I tried to help her, to stop the blood, but she wouldn't let me. She kept pulling away and telling me that she had to do it. She had to make sure that Blue didn't see her. She said that the red made Blue go away." I wrap my hands around myself, feeling my form shiver horrible. _

"_You should've seen her, Mads." I call out in a low voice. _

'_She was- I-" My sentence is stopped abruptly by her taking me in another hold, but it doesn't feel warm and strong like before, because now, she's shaking too. _

"_I'm sorry, I should've been there. I should've stopped her. This should've never happened." I let my sobs fall harder. _

"_I tried. I tried to protect her. I said I would. I told her that I wouldn't let anything happen to her, that it would all be okay. But I couldn't even protect her from herself…" My voice is weak, pathetic…like me._

_I can feel the days events catch up to me and my eyelids instantly grow heavy. Ashley….I'm sorry…_

_--- --- --- ---_

_It's been two days since the incident, and since then, Ashley has been at the hospital. She woke up yesterday, but was restrained due to the harm she caused herself before, and the risk that she might do it again. _

_They had to move her though. She was yelling and screaming in her restraints, so they moved her to the psych ward, which is where I am now. _

_Today, someone came into her room to give her a psych evaluation. That's the reason I'm currently on my way to the café, getting something to eat. _

_Madison and Aiden are busy trying to take care of the media, telling them the situation without giving too many details and being very vague. However, they told me that when things are said vaguely, the media tend to make up their own stories, and that we should all be prepared to be bashed in some way. I don't care. I really don't. _

_If I were to think about it, my life would be so much easier had I never met her, but I don't think I could, or would go back at all. _

_Raife was gonna cancel his UK tour when he saw the papers, but Madison and Aiden assured him that it was all lies. After a while of persuasion, he finally gave in and continued with his tour. _

_None of us have slept much since it's happened. They have too much work, and frankly, I'm scared to take my eyes off her. The only reason I left in the first place is because the doctor threatened to have me removed if I didn't. _

_I let out a large yawn before, shutting my eyes closed as I do so, momentarily opening them to check my watch. It's been an hour since he started, so it should be time to go back._

_I pick up my trash and throw away the leftovers, which is pretty much everything. I haven't had much to eat either, somehow, I think that there really isn't a point. I find myself throwing up a lot these days, much to my dismay. _

_Somehow, I can't stop the rapid heart rate my heart is going through. It seems to want to jump out of my chest. I reach the elevator and target the appropriate floor, but it's when my finger reaches up for the button that I realize that I'm shaking. _

_Shit! Why should I be worried anyway? She's not crazy, just….temporarily ill. It'll be alright. It'll be okay, cause there's nothing wrong with her…right?  
_

_Letting out a large sigh, I put one foot in front of the other and rigidly make my way there. I step into the psych ward and proceed to head to her room._

_I know that my explanation seems longer then normal, especially since I'm only describing my way there, but I can't help but stall. _

_I turn the corner and know that her room is just ahead. The blinds are closed to the window viewing into her room. There's no noise coming either, but then again, why would there be? It's a soundproof room after all. _

_Taking a deep breath, I knock on the door hesitantly._

_No answer._

_Once more._

_Still no answer. _

_I take another deep breath and bring my hand up to knock, but it comes too late the door flies open instead. _

_A somewhat flustered and exhausted looking doctor stares at me, but my attention is not on him. Instead, my attention is on the girl inside who is screaming at the top of her lungs and fighting the four male nurses who are trying to hold her down. _

"_No! Let go!"_

_I hear her yell out in anguish. _

_What're they doing to her?! They're hurting her!! Stop! Let go of her!_

_My heart yells at me to move, to help her, but my mind is the only rationally keeping me in place, reminding me that she's in the most stable state at the moment. So instead, I can do nothing but gape at the sight of four guys wrangling to keep my sister down. I would be lying if I said that it didn't make me sick to my stomach, cause it does. _

_Seeing the four men attempt to keep my sister down is making me burn inside. But I do nothing but watch as my sister kicks and flails for what seems to be, her sanity, or at least, her view of reality. _

"_She's real! She's real! Blue is real! Let go! I have to do it! Blue can't see me…"_

_I hear her voice drift start to fade and immediately wonder why. I get my answer when I see one of the nurses pull out a needle from her arm. _

_All of them lets out a large sigh of relief before releasing their hold on her. I look to the girl that I now call my sister, and see tired eyes blinking close. The sight makes me want to run to her, to hold her, to tell her an inconceivable thing that may or may not be true. But I stand my ground, mainly because I can't move. I take my trembling body away from the doorway and the doctor and nurses make their way out. _

_I let out short ragged breaths before looking up to the doctor. He wipes his brow of sweat before inspecting the scratches on his face and arm, as well as the bite mark on his hand. Letting out a small sigh, he turns to me. _

"_So, how is she?" I say nervously. _

"_**She's**__ alright." He lets out a small chuckle, referring to his wounds. _

_I look to him seriously and not respond to his joke, not finding it very funny. He sees the look on my face and clears his throat before continuing. _

"_Yes, about Ms. Davies, I would like to discuss the state which she's in."_

_He looks to me, gesturing on whether to continue or not. I nod blankly._

"_Well, you see, your sister is in a very fragile state right now. So to speak, the human psyche is a very difficult thing to comprehend, but it appears that since her initial "breakdown" that you have mentioned, a week or so ago, her mind has slowly started to…for lack of a better word, deteriorate. Because of this, she is slowly losing her grip of what appears to be real, and not, and as an example, this "Blue" character."_

_He explains to me as simply as he can. I'm grateful for that at least, if he didn't, I probably wouldn't know a think. _

"_So then, the cause of the suicide is because of this "reality" she's made?"_

_I ask. Does this mean that Blue doesn't exist? But she also said Spencer's name before. _

"_Um, no. You see, that's the thing, she didn't commit suicide."_

_He says as slowly as before and I shoot him a quizzical glance. _

_What does he mean by that? Did he not see her mutilated arm?! She would've died had I come any later. I guess he reads the expression on my face because he continues. _

"_Um, what I'm trying to say is that her actions were not reciprocated by thoughts of suicide."  
_

_I continue giving him the same look, and he continues. _

"_Well, you see, suicide or self inflicted pain is usually the result of a want, or need, to "escape" from reality. In most cases, it has been found to be a euphora for people trying to get away from situations or problems. But with Ms. Davies, it's the complete opposite. It's not that she was running away __**from**__ reality, it's that that __**is**__ her reality"_

_Wait, what?!  
_

'_Simply put, it's as if she inflicted the pain because she had to, like it was an ordinary and daily thing that she did."_

_I'm still not understanding this, her pain is a part of the reality she's made. _

"_Take for example, you breathing is a daily thing that you do, and a very important one at that, but imagine if someone told you that you couldn't and weren't allowed to breathe, that it was wrong. At this moment, that's the state that she's in. She feels as though she must inflict the pain, or as she puts it, "see the red", in order to maintain the reality in her world."_

_I furrow my eyebrows and cast my gaze to the floor. Is that what's going on, but it still doesn't tell me if she's fixed or-_

"_I'm suggesting that she see a psychologist at least three times a week, here at the hospital. She can still stay home once she's released, but I'll be prescribing her drugs that she should take on a basis, it will relax her and make sure she doesn't hurt herself. The theory is, if we find the base of her original breakdown, then her state of mind should return to normal."_

_He finishes off and I nod my head blankly, signaling for him to walk away. I let out yet another, deep breath._

_Oh, Ashley…_

---------------------------------------------Flashback End---------------------------------------------

Okay...so that was it...How'd you like it? Or hate it?


	17. Chapter 17

I know! It's so short! Especially compared to the ones that I've previously written. Anyways, I've already started the next chapter so it should be up at Friday, but summer school is literally killing me so... yeah. Well, reviews are very much appreciated!

Chapter 17

*Spencer's P.O.V*

I clutch my shaking hand under the table, feeling the chills run down my spine, urging me to scream. All the noise is drowned out, broken and distorted, with the only clear noise being the hoarse breathing and Kyla's soft sobs.

I suddenly choke on my very breath and let out a fit of coughs. I grasp my throat to ensure my survival. But nothing moves. Everything seems frozen in place, and now, not even Kyla's crying makes it into my head. Everything's clear and bright and yet it feels bleak and uncertain.

I grit my teeth tightly, but it doesn't work. I bite down on my lip hard and I see that I've succeeded. I haven't screamed yet. I let my slightly lidded eyes wander until they find the skin of my arm, and my imagination comes into play. I, in my head, visualize the burns, cuts and flesh wounds crawling upwards to my hand, and I shudder horribly. My hand feels…weird.

The urge to scratch away at my arm is growing and with it, the longing to scream. I bite down on my lip harder, feeling the metallic taste on the tip of my tongue. Then, slowly, people's movements come back and soon, so do the sounds and noises.

I gasp out, only now realizing my bleeding lip as the word resumes spinning. I feel myself breathing heavily as I bring my eyes away from my arm and to the girl in front of me.

Kyla has her face buried in her arms, having a poor attempt to conceal her sobs. But maybe she's not even trying. I slowly calm down my own breathing. '_Should I say something? I…I don't really know what to say…_'

That's right. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what to do, what to say, what to think. I don't even know how I'm supposed to react after hearing that. I know that there are questions in my head, but none that I can answer. I don't understand. How am I supposed to feel now? Should I be heartbroken? Or maybe guilty since I know that I'm the reason she did that? Is that it? Is this guilt? Is the strange emotion chipping away at my soul and turning it dark, guilt? Is guilt the cause of the shivers running up and down my spine, or the inability to comprehend what's going on?

Is this guilt?

…Wait. This is-

"She…She broke, I guess you could say. When I saw her, she was either on medication, which, um…"calmed" her down, or she was curled up into a ball, crying and screaming."

I look to her and see that she's taken her face out of her hands, but her eyes are shut tightly as she speaks, as though she'd relive the whole thing were she to open them.

"I guess, that um…you could call the scene sad. I guess you could say that it was a heart wrenching sight, but that's not what I felt."

She lets out a deep breath, then, while furrowing her eyebrows tightly, she opens her eyes. My own eyes widen in response to seeing hers. That's it…That's the same emotion covering my own eyes…It's-

"Fear, is what I felt. It wasn't sad, or heartbreaking. It wasn't a scene from out of a love story, or the tragic telling of a person's last few days. No…it wasn't anything like that. It was scary…disturbing."

My mouth drops open and I gape slightly. That's it. That's exactly it. There's no guilt here, or at least, that's not what I feel. And even if there is guilt, it's hidden, too small to be noticed by the large emotion. Fear.

"It was the sorta thing that made you shrink away, and curl up into a corner and scream. That sorta thing that made chills go through your entire body as the scene replays in your head, over and over again, each time you close your eyes."

So this is what I feels like to fear for someone else but yourself. It's not concern. No, I don't think so. Concern is the feeling of caring for someone while they're out because of a car crash. No, this is not that. This is fear. Fear of what, though? I don't know. But it's there, making me clutch my own body against myself.

That's right…I mean, what else could it have been? Guilt was a stupid resumption. I shouldn't feel guilty, I shouldn't feel as though it's my fault. Because it's not, and I don't. This is…retribution, I guess you could call it, but nothing will be given to her. No pity.

I refuse to pity her, and I only despise the fact that she pitied me. Yes, that's right. Guilt was what made her do it. Not concern, or love. Guilt.

Hahah. I guess there's never been love has there?

But now… that's right. No matter what happened then, it won't effect now. It still doesn't change the fact that she's in there half dead. It doesn't change the fact that I still need to talk to her, to confront her.

Hardening my resolution, I open up clamped eyes that I never noticed were shut. The girl in front of me is looking quietly at her hands, her eyes red, but no tears flowing down her face. She wipes her eyes of the last stray wetness and takes a deep breath.

"Uh, so…I should get going." She tells me, and I realize I haven't said a word since she's started the story. I nod weakly and watch her as she gets up form her chair. We look to each other's shivering forms and I think…I think that we share an…an understanding, because of the fear we both share.

We give each other a small head nod and she takes a single step forward before quickly turning around again.

"Um…I know that I really shouldn't be saying anything, especially since I don't really know the whole story and since my opinion is openly biased, so please don't feel that this is personal against you in any way. But…I hate the person that caused Ashley to do that. I hate the person that, because of her, Ashley felt that she had to hurt herself in order to stop hurting."

She finishes her sentence and takes in a breath to continue.

"But, I don't hate you, because somehow…somehow I feel that you aren't the person that did that to her. And even if you were, I don't think that I'd care, because what I do know is that, right now, you're the only one that can fix her." She whispers out the last part quietly, as though the statement were more for her.

I don't speak. I don't say a word, or nod or anything. I do nothing to acknowledge that I even heard her, but she knows I did.

Not expecting a reply back, she turns to leave, and this time, she doesn't turn back.

I breathe in deeply and let out the collected air. I should…I don't know. I don't know what I should so. I just- Right now, all I know is that I should be beside her. I don't know why exactly, but I know that my place is there.

I sit still for a few minutes, collecting my thoughts and trying to put myself back together.

Blue…That's what she said. That's…me isn't it? That day, when she first saw my eyes, that's what she said. Bit I thought that she was only referring to the colour of them…

Ugh. Whatever. I'll figure this out later.

I push my chair back and I get up. Now, where did Kyla say Ashley was? Intensive Care Unit, right? I push my shaky legs forward and go to where Ashley is. That's all I need to know right now. Kyla's right. Right now, I'm the only that can fix her…and she's the only one that can fix me…

-----------------------

So? How'd you like it? Or hate it? Tell me by reviewing!


	18. Chapter 18

**Sorry that I haven't been updating in a very long time...**

**The first two weeks of my abscence the internet wasn't working so I couldn't go on. And about a week and a half ago I went in for a check up and discovered that something that they should've completely removed might be back... no worries. I'm fine, but they're still doing a couple of tests, but like I said, no worries. And summer school is finally over so I'll try and update more often.**

**Anyways, I'm sorry for my abscence especially for those that actually like my story.**

Chapter 18

*Ashley's P.O.V*

_I stand in front of the door, one that now seems too large and overwhelming. Leaning my forehead against the door, I think…_

'_She's in there… I should…'_

_Gathering what little courage is in me, I push the door open. The entire room feels damp, likely steam from the heat. I put one shaky foot in front of the other, stopping until I'm there. _

_My entire body feels numb, my throat is dry, every cell in my skin is shaking, trembling. I take a step towards her, feeling my shaking get worse as I draw nearer. I can't hear anything. But then again, there's nothing to be heard, nothing except the small and slow heavy breathing echoing in the room. _

_I put my hand in front of me, reaching out but not far enough to touch her. I trace out the contour lines of her face, and with my eyes, trace the ones on her body. I take another step until I'm directly in front of her and I crouch down. _

_I close my eyes as I watch the scene replay again and again in my head. My throat feels weird and I scratch at it slightly. My breathing comes faster and I cough up slightly. It doesn't matter, I've already thrown up. _

_I take deep breaths and put both my arms in front of me. Inching closer, I put one arm under her legs and another around her back. I strain my back slightly and pick her up, careful not to hurt her even more. I feel her damp and wet clothes on my arms, all the while ignoring the fact that the dampness isn't just water, but blood too. _

_Walking on my shaky legs, I put one in front of the other. I lead myself out of the steamy room and head towards the parking lot. It's been an hour and a half since school ended, clubs are done and everyone's been kicked out already. _

_I'm slightly winded on the halfway point of the parking lot, but I ignore the fatigue as I resettle the heavier girl in my arms and keep on. I reach my car but struggle to get it to open. Gently, I take my hand that was around her back and quickly reach into my pocket for the keys. I click the car open and the doors slide open for me. I softly and gently lay her down on the seat, always careful not to hurt her. _

_I position her feet straight and her hands proper as I pull the seatbelt around her carefully. Her mouths parts open, small puffs of breath coming out slowly. I bring my hand to her face and push a strand of wet hair stuck to her swollen face. The dried blood comes beside her cheek from the cut above her eye. I let the back of my hand graze her swollen and puffed cheek. _

_This is…my fault._

_I feel my breath catch in my throat as I choke on the realization. My own breathing is as slow and hoarse as hers and I try and match her slow pace. I lean my head forward and lean my forehead lightly on her shoulder. _

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_It's the beat of her heart. It's slow and yet careening. It's assured, yet frightening. _

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_If I could, I would listen to this sound forever. She's right beside me, but it seems as though if I held out my hand, I would never be able to reach her. Never._

_My hot breath makes contact with her skin, allowing the moisture to build up on her neck. _

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_I would give everything up just for this sound to last forever._

_I would, but I didn't. I should have, but I couldn't. I picked everything else instead of the only thing I really need. _

_Thump. Thump. Thump. _

"_Ashley?" My eyes snap wide open, and her words echo in my head, trying to make sense of it all. Her weak voice resonates again. She's speaking with a dry throat, but through a pool of blood. _

"_Yeah? I'm right here." I saw quietly next to her ear. _

_She doesn't say anything back and I hold her. One arm tucked under her arm and up her back, while the other wraps itself around her lower back. I pull my forehead closer to her shoulder, letting my lips graze her neck. _

"_Why?" It's so small, yet so definitive. It's so quiet, and yet so ear splittingly loud._

_Why…That's right. Why? Why did I do that? Why did I let it happen? _

_I think I know. I think I understand. It's not a reason, or an excuse. No. There is no excuse. But I know why I did it. It's scary, so scary. It's like something forcibly cutting your heart open and intruding on your soul._

"_Because you saw me." I say it like it should make sense, but it doesn't. How could it? There is no reason. There is no excuse. There's only the truth. But it's not only that. Because I already knew that. There's something else that scares me even more then that. _

_Because today, I saw you too._

_I nuzzle my face into her neck slightly, taking in her scent. I can't tell you what it smells like, because there's another scent clogging my mind. I take a single moment to take all of it in, all of her in. Pulling back, I look to her face. _

_I'm met with Blue. _

_To tell you, there's so many ways to describe looking into her eyes, looking into her. It's like the sound of all nature pausing along with time to make an eternal dream. But that's what this is, a dream. Or, at least that's what it'll seem like to her. _

_Clear pools of blue look into a hazel chocolate, my own. They're not searching, not looking, they're not asking or pleading, not like they were only a short time ago. They're beautiful. They're not doing anything. They just…are. Alone in their own existence._

_I can see fatigue in them. They're fluttering close slightly, but they still do their best to fight it off. I see her struggle to move slightly, and I wonder why. I get my answer not too shortly when I feel the slight tip of her fingertips touch the bone of my elbow. I look to her face again only to see her fighting a losing battle. _

_Her eyes are close to shutting, but not yet. Eventually though, she gives up._

"_I love you, you know?" My breath catches in my throat and I swallow dry air. My mouth parts open as I try and hold back the tears stinging my eyes. My breathing becomes hoarser as I repeat the words in my mind. My lips start to quiver as the tears roll down my cheek. The tears that contain the emotion and pain that I've been holding in for so long. Letting my heart spill out quietly as the rest of me shatters to ashes. _

"_I know." I whisper into her ear as I hold my body lightly, yet tightly against hers. "I know." I repeat into her neck through silent tears. I know that she didn't hear me, but that's fine, because this will be nothing but a dream. As it should be._

_I bite my lip as I try and hold back the tears. I finally release my hold on her and pull away to take my seat. I close her car door and then my own, starting the engine I head on to the empty house I call home. _

_I keep it slow. The car, I mean. I don't want to risk waking her up or anything. Only ten minutes later, I'm driving up to the garage of a very large house. _

_Nobody's home. I know that much. _

_I step out of my car, turning off the engine and closing the door. I walk over to her side of the car and carefully get her out, carrying her in the same way that I did before. _

_After a great deal of difficulty, I finally manage to get the front door open and I enter the vast expanse of land that I live in. Walking into the large living room, I set her down softly on the coach and straighten my sore back. _

_I let out a small sigh before looking back to the girl in front of me. It's only now that I finally realize the full extent of my actions, or lack thereof. I kneel in front of the couch and look to the top of her head, caked with bits of mud, her hair tangled and frizzy due to the hot water. There are cuts all over her face including the one over her eye. Her split lip has swollen pretty badly, and there are large pieces of scraped flesh on her forehead. _

_Her hands are filled with cuts, her fingertips have dried blood that seeped out of the broken and cracked fingernails. Her elbow is filled with scrapes and there's a large bruise forming on her left arm. _

_I look to her silently and examine the bruises. I know what I have to do but I have to be careful when doing it. I bite my lip and carefully, very carefully, unbutton her jeans. The wet jeans cling to her skin, making my job more difficult, but I continue anyways. I try my best to smoothly slide the jeans off, careful not to cause any more bleeding. I finally manage to get the soaked jeans and head for her shirt._

'_How am I…?'_

_Sighing, I position her up on the coach so that her hands are above her. I quickly get on the coach, putting her midsection in between legs, straddling her without actually making contact. I bring my hands to the hem of her shirt and pull up the cloth. Again, the fabric sticks to her skin, giving me a hard time, but I do my best to get it off without stirring her. She doesn't make a move, and the only thing that assures me that she's alive is her rough and heavy breathing. _

_I lift her head carefully, bring the shirt over it. I take the sleeves off of her arms, completely removing the shirt and finally bring her arms down beside her. My breath catches in my throat again as I stare at the sight before me, the damage before me._

_Several large forming bruises scale her abdomen to her chest. Knees full of cuts and scrapes with partially dried blood sticking to the wounds. The injuries are red and throbbing. Her entire body looks swollen._

_I take her hand mine and hold it to my cheek. The cold flesh seems somewhat distant. Fighting through silent tears, I bring her hand down before leaving the room with the soiled clothes._

_Putting her clothes in the wash, I enter the room with a first aid kit in hand. Laying the large box beside me, I open it and take out some of the things I might need. I put them beside me, alcohol, a soft cloth, some cotton swabs, medical tape, and a water bottle. I inspect her body carefully, seeing blood and dirt caked skin. I take a soft cloth and wet it water, just enough so that it's slightly damp. Starting from the bottom, I carefully rub and wash away at dried mud and blood. _

_Her breathing is the only sound I hear, and I thank God for that. It's the only sound that I need to hear right now. _

_I clean her legs and make my way up, rubbing harder on the completely dried blood and going back to wet the towel again and again. I softly wipe away the blood on the large cuts as to prevent as much pain as possible. I continue to make my way up her body, cleaning her abdomen and her arms. Once I finish, I throw the dirty cloth to the side and take out a new one. _

_I turn back to her but the sight makes my heart drop, and I bite my lip to try and stop the newly forming tears. I look to her legs, stroking rough skin with the back of my hand before I lean in and place a soft kiss on the scrape on her knee, letting my lips run on the bruise scaling her leg, and placing feather light kisses on the other cuts and bruises. _

"_You're beautiful." It's my voice and not hers, and I say it to no one in particular. _

_I damp the soft cloth in a little bit of alcohol and start at the bottom again, dabbing the cloth on the cuts and bruises on her legs. I let the soft cloth make its way up, her skin grazing my fingers slightly. _

_For smaller cuts I take the cotton swabs and soak it on alcohol and do the same, dabbing it softly and blowing on the cuts as I do so. She stirs a little bit, her eyes tighten but soon enough she calms down. _

_I take some bandages and gauze and softly apply it to the small cuts and large bruises, using the medical tape and to seal it. I look to her abdomen, staring at the large bruise before moving slightly to level myself beside it. I bring my hand up to her stomach, running my fingers over her skin, and like before, I lean my head in and place soft kisses on her bruises and cuts. I pause for a bit after finishing, burying my face into her side. Taking in a deep breath I finally continue and bandage up her abdomen in the same fashion, carefully dressing the large bruise on her stomach. I take a soft cream and apply it in order to stop the swelling and let it dry. I put small band-aids on the smaller cuts on her chest and sides, always careful to cause as little discomfort and pain as possible. _

"_So beautiful."_

_I finish with her stomach and take her hand in mine. I leave a trail of loving kisses on her hand and make my way up her arm before doing the same with her other one. I take her hand again and let each individual finger run over my lips then let her hand lay on my cheek. I run my own fingers up and down her arm, feeling the contours of rough and damaged skin. _

_I decide to continue so I raise her arm slightly, dabbing the cotton swabs on the many cuts on her. She stirs again, twitching and moaning somewhat in her position. She's mumbling slightly, but I can't understand it. _

_I bite my lip and continue through the tears that are blurring my vision. I add the gauze to her arms before moving to her hands. Her hand is skinned all over and I take another cream and apply it on her cracked fingertips, dressing up her hand before I do the same with the other. _

_I finally finish up her body and go to her face. I cup her swollen cheek, feeling cold skin under my course fingers. I brush her hair away from her face, softly stroking her cheek with my hand. I inch closer to her and bring my face to hers, leaning my forehead against hers. _

_Our soft breathing is felt in the warm moisture in between us and I bring my lips to her forehead, laying a soft, chaste kiss there. I let my eyes wander over her face and place soft chaste kisses all over it, on the cut above her eye, the bruise across one cheek, the cut on her other cheek, on the wound on her neck, and finally placing a chaste yet lingering kiss on her lips, feeling the large split on them and tasting that metallic taste in my mouth. _

"_Absolutely gorgeous."_

_I pull away and lean into her again, pressing our foreheads together. I finally leave the space and take a fresh cloth and soak it in warm water, pressing and running the cloth over the dried and flaky mud. I run the cloth over her forehead, cleaning off crusty blood and then over her cheek and finally softly brush them across her lips. _

_I finish my routine, taking the alcohol cloth and dabbing it softly on her face. She moves again, likely due to the pain but soon enough, her moving subsides. Once I finish, I put a band-aid above her eye and put the cream on her bruises and on her lip. _

_I let out a small quiet sigh before turning away from her and leaning back on the edge of the coach. I put away all of the garbage and the first aid and return with her dried clothes in hand. _

_I decide to let the cream take effect before putting her clothes back on. Taking a breather, I take a chair and pull it up next to where she is. I take my seat and softly watch her unconscious face, listening and watching the rise and fall of her chest. _

_After a short while, I see that the swelling of her bruises have gone down quite a bit and I decide to put her clothes back on. I lean up against the arm of the coach and bring the hole for her neck around her and softly bring her hand through the arm holes before pulling the shirt softly down. _

_I think a bit on how I should approach putting the pants back on without hurting her too much. I stand at the end of the coach that has her feet. I carefully fold the edges of her pants until they're something like shorts._

_I bring the shortened pants and slide her legs through them, never stopping my caution. I lift her hips slightly so as to put the pants up all the way. Once I finish, I carefully unfold the edges of the pants until they look to be their former glory. _

_Letting out another small sigh, I take my seat on the floor once again, silently observing her form. I sit on the chair I pulled up and lean back, letting my eyes rest for a little bit. _

_My hand lolls to the side of the chair and I attempt to bring it up but only to get it as far as the coach. I move my hand slightly until it finds hers and I intertwine our fingers together. My thumb softly draws random patterns on her hand, feeling the rough skin against my own. _

_I bring her hand up and place a kiss on the back before laying it on my lap, letting it rest there. I sit up straight and my unoccupied hand finds its way to her cheek, caressing it softly. _

_I continue the action of caressing both her cheek and hand. Our soft breathing is the only thing to be heard as it passes through parted lips. I rest my eyes again, my hand never breaking contact with rough skin. _

_----_

_I open my eyes slightly, wondering how long it's been since I dozed off. I look to the clock to the table and see it's only been twenty minutes. My eyelids flutter open as I look to my hand to see that her hand is holding mine tightly, while her other hand is on top of my own over her cheek. _

_My mouth parts open slightly, and I don't move an inch. I'm scared to move and see that this is all a dream. _

_The dreams…_

_It's her…_

"_Hey, Ashle-"_

_My head snaps behind me to see Aiden standing in the doorway. We both look to each other with wide eyes and slacked jaws. My hands haven't moved from where they reside. I blink a few times, wondering again if this is a dream. After a while of blinking and seeing that he hasn't disappeared, I conclude that it's not. _

_I look to his face, and there's something completely discernable in them. The smile that was on his face turns into parted lips. His eyes seem as though…I'm not sure. They seem as though they've just seen the gates of hell, and I see…fear in them. _

_But the look disappears quickly, being replaced with a harder and more intense one._

_My brain finally kicks into action as I start to realize the situation. _

"_Aiden, this is-"_

"_It's not what I think, right Ash?" He interrupts as he pulls his gaze away from mine and casts them to the floor._

"_You're not helping her out because she's your friend, right?" He asks in a menacingly low voice. _

_I cast my own gaze away from him and look to her for a brief second before letting it fall on the floor._

_I bite my lip harshly, holding back the tears that are threatening to fall. "Right." I say quietly._

_I see him nod from the corner of my eye._

"_That's right. Cause you're not gay. You can't be" He says definitively, as to confirm himself. _

_Again, I bite back the tears and nod softly. _

" _Aiden, this is-"_

"_It doesn't matter what it is, Ash. As long as it's not what I originally thought it was." He tells me and I stay silent for a bit. _

"_What did you think it was?" I ask him, and I see him head snapping in my direction and sending an intense look towards me. _

"_That you're in love with her. But you're not in love with her, right?" He asks, his intent never faltering. I shake my head but his tenseness doesn't go away._

_I'm not. This isn't love. At least I don't think it is, but it still feels like it's more. Is there anything else more then love? I don't know. It feels as though we're…I don't know._

_But what I feel for her, it's big. I don't know what it is, but she's important to me. Is this love? I don't…I don't think so. But then again, what do I know?_

_I can't exactly explain the feeling I have for her, cause I don't think anyone else would understand. She's…mine. It's that sort of feeling. It's like she's the only one who can see me, who I'll let see me, even though she's not supposed to. I guess you could say that I used her, but I still feel like she's more then that. Like I said, she's important to me. _

_I snap out of my trance and I look back to Aiden who is still looking at me intently, analyzing me, scrutinizing me. I can only shrink away at his gaze. _

_I bite my lip again and softly take my hand from her face and ungrip her other hand from mine. As soon as I do, an empty feeling fills me. I see her stir at the loss of my contact and I feel a small tug on the corner of my lips. _

_I bring my hand up to her cheek again and stroke it slightly._

"_Shh. It's okay, it's only a dream." I whisper quietly in a soothing voice._

_She stops once again and calms down her movements._

"_What're you gonna do now, Ashley?" Aiden asks me, not once releasing his calculating gaze. _

_I look up to him and let out a small sigh._

"_I'm taking her home." I tell him. _

"_And how are you gonna do that?"_

"_I…" I furrow my eyebrows in thought before something comes to my mind._

"_Glen. Glen Carlin, Mad's boyfriend." I tell him. _

"_What about him?" He asks suspiciously and with confusion._

"_They're siblings." I say quietly, trying not to think about the sad thought. _

"_Glen and her are…" I look to him and see a dawn on realization come across his face. _

"_I see." He nods silently._

"_Do you know where he lives?" I ask. I don't really want to talk about Glen. I've never really talked to him before and I only ever talked to him cause he was Mad's boyfriend. But I've never really liked him. _

"_Yeah, we've hung out once or twice." He says, looking down finally. _

_I nod before getting up from my chair and putting it aside. _

"_Show me the way there." I tell him and move to pick her up. _

_I put my arms under her legs and around her back like before. Heaving her up, I strain my back again as I face him. I look to him expectantly but he doesn't move. _

"_Well, what're you waiting for?" I ask him while adjusting the girl in my arms so that her arms encircle my neck._

_He sighs before moving towards me. _

"_Here let me take her." He says as he moves closer to her. His hands reach out to touch her and I jump back._

"_No!" I pull her tighter against me and I quickly move out of his reach._

_I see the surprised look on his face and I look away from him as I pull her tightly against my chest. _

"_I- I'll hold her." I say quietly, not wanting to discuss my action. _

_I see him nod his head from the corner of my eye and walk out the door. I let out a sigh of relief and look to the fragile girl in my arms. Soon enough I follow his lead out the door and out the house. I walk over to my car but he calls out my name, stopping me. _

"_I'll drive you there, we'll take my car." He calls out and I walk towards his car. He opens the back door and I seat her in. I move to go to the front but he stops me. _

"_Just stay there." He tells me and I obediently follow and take my seat beside her. I, once again, intertwine my fingers with hers. I let her head lean against my shoulder and I place my own on top of hers. I rub her rough skin with the pad of my thumb and place a soft kiss on her forehead, cooing silently into her ear. The soft contact between us makes my heart soar. It's like I can breathe again, like I'm alive. It's almost as though an uncertain warmth has been given back._

_I look up ahead and see Aiden looking at me from the rearview mirror before looking back on the street. I look away, ignoring the calculating glances being sent to me, back and forth. _

_I snuggle my face into her hair, burying it into frizzy blonde locks. _

_The car slows and comes to a stop. I look up from my position and see Aiden turning back to me. _

"_We're here." He says softly._

_I give a silent nod that I know he can see. I unbuckle both of our seatbelts and turn to face her. I open the car door first and proceed to get out and pick her up. _

_Aiden walks out and I follow him about a few houses down, where your average white picket fence house is. I walk carefully in the coming dark, readjusting her in my arms every so often. The house has some lights open, but the blinds are all closed and there's a car parked up front, so I'm assuming there are people inside. _

_I walk up to the garage with Aiden trailing beside me. I get all the way to the front step when I come to a stop. I look to Aiden and he realizes my dilemma. _

"_Just leave her here, Ash." He whispers._

_I hold her tightly against my body defensively. _

"_No, I won't do that." I tell him adamantly. _

_He lets out a sigh and rubs his temples before looking to me. _

"_Well, what're you going to do, huh? Ring the doorbell and tell her parents about what happened today? About how we beat her today?!"_

_He whispers out angrily and I flinch at the content of his words, but I know I can't deny them. _

_I look away from him, not wanting to look him in the eye and, instead, study the girl in my arms, where I see her eyes…stirring._

_She moves slightly and I don't budge an inch trying not to wake her up. Aiden sees the action and he turns to me. _

"_Ashley, drop her now." He calls out quietly. _

"_No." I tell him stubbornly. _

"_Ashley, she can't see you like this, remember. It's supposed to be a dream." He reasons with me. _

_I know that he's right, but I can't just leave her here, in the cold floor, outside. Something might happen, someone might-_

"_Ashley!" He whispers out loudly as he gestures to the ever moving girl in my arms. _

"_Aiden, no. I can't." I plead with him. _

"_Ashley, you don't have a choice. Now c'mon and let's go before she wakes up."_

_I look to him with despair in my eyes, not knowing what to do. I hold the girl firmly to my chest and feel her breathing relax somewhat. But I know it's not enough. _

_My vision of her starts to blur and I know why, but I ignore it completely. Aiden puts his hand on my shoulder, before urging me to go once more. _

_I bite down on my lip in hesitation. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong and what's not anymore. _

_I lean down on one knee and softly place her on the ground, leaning her against a pillar. Carefully, I remove my arms from under her legs and from her back. As soon as I do, I feel the cold setting in again, and I feel as though I've just lost a part of me. _

_I brush a stray strand of hair away from her face, letting my fingers linger on her skin. I bend forward and lay a chaste kiss on her forehead and another one on her lips. _

_I can feel Aiden's eyes burning holes through the back of my head, but I ignore the gesture and I stroke her rough, skinned cheek one more time before Aiden pulls me roughly by my arms and starts dragging me away. _

_I fall slightly as I make my way backwards through the small steps. I don't look away from her and her shrinking form. He pulls me away to the point that I can't see her, and I feel a dark chasm fill me. _

'_I have to go back.' The thought forms itself inside my head, but we're only a few steps away from the car now. _

'_I have to go back.' The though repeats itself as I start to pull away from his grip. He feels the resistance and turns to me, looking at me confusedly. _

"_Ashley, what're you-"_

"_I have to go back." I voice out my thoughts. I pull away harder, trying to pry my hand out of his unhealthy grip. _

"_Ashley, she's waking up, you can't go back." He tries to reason with me, never releasing his iron grip. _

"_I know I can't, but I have to." I tell him with my cracked voice as I continue to try and walk away. _

"_Ashley, stop it." I can tell he's getting tired of me, but I don't care. I have to go back._

"_Aiden, let go of me. I have to go back." I plead with him through silent sobs. He only looks to me with a hard expression and turns away, his hand still around my own. _

"_I won't let you go, Ashley." His voice sounds strained, and I don't catch the double meaning in it. _

"_Aiden, let go of me! I need to go back!" I call to him frantically, but he doesn't move and refuses to meet my eyes._

"_Aiden! Stop this! Let me go! I need to be with her!" I cry out._

"_No you don't." He says calmly. _

"_Yes, I do! I need to be beside her! Aiden, please!" _

"_You don't have to be there, Ashley." I see him tense slightly and his jaw clench. _

"_I do Aiden! I do! I need to be beside her! I want to be beside he-"_

"_No you don't!" He calls out loudly and I snap my head in his direction. I see the hot tears falling down his face. It seems so similar to my own. _

"_You don't need to be there." He tries to tell me calmly as he holds back the tears. _

"_Aiden, I need to go back." I cast my eyes on the floor, not wanting to meet his. _

"_No, Ashley. You don't need to be there." He pleads out. _

"_I do. I can't help it, it's like there's something- There's something that I just-"_

"_You can't." He calls out tiredly, but I don't care anymore. I need to go back. I'm going to go back. _

_I shake my head and continue to try and pull away, no longer trying to engage in useless conversation. _

"_Ashley, stop." I ignore his words and pull my weak and tired arm. _

"_Ashley, stop this." I don't falter. _

"_Ash, stop this or else-"_

"_No! I have to go!" I yell out as I finally break free and sprint away. I pump one tired leg in front of the other only to be stopped by strong arms wrapping themselves around my waist from behind me. _

"_Aid, let go!" I call out as I flail against his hold._

"_No!" He says in a hard voice. _

"_Aiden, let go of me! She's right there! I need to go back." I say through the tears, never ceasing my flailing against his arms and chest. _

"_Ashley, you need to stop this!" He tightens his grip and lifts me off the ground and lifts me over his shoulder. _

"_No!" I cry out as I repeatedly hit his back with my fists and continually kick about to make him release me. It doesn't work. _

_He doesn't say a word and focuses all his attention on carrying me. I continue to hit him. _

"_No! Let go of me!" I yell at him to release me. I scratch futilely at his back but to no avail. I know that if anyone was to see this, they'd certainly think it to be suspicious. Luckily, the streets are empty. _

_His grip on me hardens, and I know there'll be bruises on my hips tomorrow. _

"_Noo!" I cry out through rushed breathing, and broken sobs. _

"_Please, I need to be with her." I sob into his back, clutching painfully at his clothes. _

"_Please don't." I sob out quietly._

"_Ashley, it'll be okay. She'll be fine." He reassures me softly. _

_It won't. It won't be alright. Cause I won't be there…no…It's that she's not here._

"_Please, let me go to her. She needs me." I mumble into him._

"_She's fine, Ash." He tries to say convincingly. _

"_Please." I breathe out. _

"_I need her." My voice is weak, because that's what I feel like right now. Weak. My course breathing fills the silent night, the cold air stings at my eyes and the lights are minimal; the only ones being the ones above us. _

_My flittering eyes weak with each hesitant step he takes towards the car and away from her. So far. The weight of my body feels heavier and the world distorts. Everything feels empty…_

_---- _

_My pounding head throbs painfully and the small rhythm of it echoes in the dark. I try to breathe but my entire body feels heavy. The weight on my body hurts, it's so painful. My fluttering eyes hesitantly open to the blinding light ahead of me. I'm moving, but I'm not sure how._

_Fear encompasses my body, but I'm not sure why. My gruff breathing is heard by my own ears. I see the person in front of me. More specifically, I see the bottom of his face. I feel large strong arms underneath my legs and around my back. _

_Everything's still slightly blurry, but I can make out Aiden's form. My eyes hurt and they sting with the fall of my tears. _

_Aiden notices my awakened presence and turns his head down at me._

"_Hey." He gives me a small and weak smile. _

_I don't speak and give him a small nod instead. _

"_You okay?" He furrows his eyebrows in concern. I give him another small nod as I turn my head to look at our destination._

_I see the staircase directly in front of me and he heads up the flight of stairs. He turns on the lights and heads me to my room. He lays me down on my large bed softly and strokes my head slightly._

"_Aiden." I plead with my gruff and heavy voice. _

_He lets out a small sigh before shutting his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose and furrowing his eyebrows. He finally opens his eyes and looks to my weak and fragile form._

"_Don't Ash." He says simply. I feel the tears stinging my eyes again._

"_Aiden, she-"_

"_Don't." He cuts me off and breathes in sharply. _

"_Just don't." He says definitively. _

"_Aiden, she needs me." I say weakly through the tears in my eyes. _

"_Stop telling yourself that." He says intensely. _

"_She doesn't need you." That's right…I need her._

"_Aiden, I…" I let my sentence stray as I bring my eyes down._

"_You what, Ashley?" He questions me. _

"_You what? You love her?" He asks unbelievably. _

"_You know I don't." I don't meet his eyes. I can't._

"_Well, you're making it really hard for me to believe that." He says with a slight mocking voice. _

_I have no witty reply. My spirit just feels drained. _

"_Tell me, Ash. Tell me what you feel right now. Cause I just can't read you." He says somewhat despairingly. _

"_I'm sorry."_

_He lets out a sigh before rubbing his temples. _

"_How did we get like this? We used to be so-…" He lets out another sigh._

"_Close." I finish his sentence for him. _

"_Right." He says simply. _

"_I just…I just feel like you're slipping away. Like you're going somewhere where no one can reach you. And it hurts to know that I can't do anything about it." _

_He's right. I never imagined us being like this, ever. But something changed along the way, and now I can't get back to those times._

"_I'm right here, Aid. I'm not going anywhere." _

_Silence fills the room. _

"_Just please, please forget about her Ashley. Let's just put this all behind us." He begs. _

"_How? How do we just forget everything? How do we act like nothing's wrong?" I ask him desperately, believing for a second that he has the answer. _

"_You just have to, Ashley." He says, taking my hand in his and rubbing it softly. _

_It's my turn to let a sigh escape my lips as the tears continually fall down my face._

"_We can't do anything else. I'll forget everything I saw tonight. I'll act like it never happened. Because it didn't, right?" His eyes look to me, awaiting my response. _

_I turn my eyes away from him, biting my lip and clenching my teeth. "Right."_

"_Good. And we'll pretend like nothing ever happened."_

_I nod my head weakly. _

"_I won't…I won't acknowledge it. Because you're not in love with her, you don't care about her. You love me, you care about me." He chants to himself quietly, as though these quiet words are meant only for himself. _

_That's right. I don't love her. I love him. It doesn't matter if it's a lie or not, because that's the way it's supposed to be, the way it's gonna be. _

'_It's not my fault. I had to. You changed, and I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't handle it…'_

_---- _

_I started off by counting the seconds. One. Two. Three. Four…_

_The minutes turned into seconds, which turned into hours. _

_It wasn't long before the hours turned into days._

_One day. Then two. Then three._

_Soon, the days grew into weeks. _

_One week, two. _

_Obviously enough, the week turned into months. _

_Four months. That's how long it's been. I could count the days, hours. I could count the minutes, and seconds. But it will only lead me to remember more. _

_Since that day, four months ago, the dreams have stopped. Blue doesn't come anymore. Spencer doesn't come to school either, and there are plenty of rumors. I can't tell what's real and what's not anymore. It's all so…strange. Like living in a different reality._

_I used to have these nightmares each night, waking up in a cold sweat. Then there were nights when it didn't happen. Soon, the dreams came less and less. They still happen every now and then, but it isn't as bad. Sometimes only silent tears will fall during the night, and I won't even wake up. _

_She's leaving me. Her memory's leaving me. Blue is leaving me. _

_I breathe in deep, letting the air fill my lungs. I shudder before getting up from the bed; my head throbbing in pain from my hangover. I look back to the partially naked body behind me and decide to go ahead. _

_One day at a time. One painful day at a time. With each day, it becomes more numb. Until there's nothing left._

_Nothing. _

**_So? How'd you like it? Or hate it? _**


	19. Chapter 19

**Hey there. I wanted to post this up last week but I was sent to the hospital and have been there since yesterday. Just some more tests while they're waiting for results. Whatever...Anywayz, here's the chapter, I'm really sorry for the delay.**

I know you might think that this chapter is useless, and...it sorta is...but in my opinioun it really helps to show the developement with the characters, so...

Remember to comment, and without further ado

Chapter 19

*Spencer's P.O.V*

"God, you're such an idiot. When are you gonna stop doing such stupid things? You don't even let me in anymore. Weren't we supposed to be sisters? How am I supposed to protect my little sister is I don't even know what's going on with her."

I hear the silent sniffles through the door. A heart broken voice fills the air. I pause in front of the barrier, letting my hand rest on the doorknob.

"Why do you keep everything to yourself and push everyone out of your life?"

I know who the voice belongs to, and now I find myself wondering the same thing. It's all she's ever done.

I take a small yet deep breath, and open the door, looking to the person in front of me. A timid, fatigued, and seemingly half dead girl rests on a chair besides the unconscious one. She sits there, holding the girls hand in the same manner that I did before.

Her face doesn't leave the sight of the girl in front of her. It's as though they're in their own world. It's scary though…the atmosphere in the room, threatening almost.

The door closes behind me and the sound visible startles her. Her face with teary and terror filled eyes look in my direction, the emerald colour in them overwhelming me.

"Sorry. I just wanted to see how she was doing." I speak into the silence.

Her form relaxes a bit, but her green eyes still have me captured. It's scary to look into them. It's almost as though you're looking into a mother lion's eyes, defensively protecting their cub.

"Uh…No, it's fine. Come on in." Her voice doesn't seem hostile, but there's still something about it that I can't place.

Though, to tell you the truth, I never would have imagined such a day to come. I never would have imagined that she would ever say these words to me. But then again, only a few weeks ago, I never would have imagined seeing her at all.

I nod and take a tentative step forwards, making my way unto the other side of Ashley's bed and take a seat. I notice that her eyes have never left me, always watching me, guarding.

I don't know why she would. I would never do anything to hurt Ashley. Never. No matter how much pain I'm in. No matter what happens. I don't look to the Latina girl in front of me, instead focusing my eyes on the frail girl beside me.

"So, um…is she okay?" I ask without looking to her. I'm scared to see if those eyes are still guarding me.

For a second, the room's silent, and I wonder if she heard me.

"Uh, yeah. Doctor said she should be fine. It shouldn't be long before she wakes up." That's good.

I give a small nod in acknowledgement. It won't be long now then. Soon we can clear it all up and…and what?

I don't know. I'll figure that out when I get there. But right now, there are other things to settle, other things to figure out.

"Um."

"Um."

We look to each other, having said the same thing at the same time.

"Oh, you go first." She tells me, but I just shake my head.

"No, you go ahead." I tell her and she nods appreciatively. Her eyes aren't as scary as before. They're not the ones filled with desperate fear, and threatening despair.

"Um, sorry. I just wanted to thank you for looking out for her." She tells me. I feel like she wants to say more, but I can't really tell.

"Yeah, no, it's my pleasure…Actually; it's more like I couldn't leave her if I wanted." I just look to Ashley and bring my hand up to her face, brushing away a stray piece of hair.

I turn my attention back to her, and I see her giving me a sad smile. The smile seems so full of…emotion. It's full of regret, and helplessness. I know what that feels like.

It makes me wonder, where did all of these faces come from? I've never seen them before. It seems like they're so close in one sense, and so far in another. Looks like we've got a lot in common.

"Um, if you don't mind me asking, how did you meet Ashley? In high school it seems like you were already best friends." I see her cringe at the mention of high school. But it isn't long before she relaxes again and a nostalgic smile crosses her face.

"We've been together since before we were born." She smiles fondly at the brunette on the bed.

"Our mom's met each other in one of those pregnant prep classes where they do a bunch of exercises. After that, it was as if they'd been friends for life. Ashley was born four days before me, and she's always made fun of me for that." She chuckles lightly and I can't help but smile at knowing that she has someone who's been with her for so long.

"But, when we were born, we were quite hostile with one another. We always hit each other, pulled on whatever hair we had on our heads, and we kept pushing each other. We'd always be competing too. Ashley's always had a natural competitive nature. You should've seen her when she met Aiden." She lets out another chuckle and I see her softly stroking Ashley's hand.

"We'd always compete on who would walk first, who could finish their meal fastest, who was fastest at riding their tryke, stupid things like that. We always had this playfully competitive friendship. We had the best childhood despite all the bad things in the world." Her last sentence seems closed off.

Even while we were growing up, we still competed but on a downplayed version of course. Though, by then, people already knew us to be best friends. Where Ashley was, I was right there beside her, and vice versa. We told each other all of our secrets, and we knew each other better then we knew the back of our hands." Her smile disappears and that last sentence tells me why.

"But you know, things change as you grow. When Ashley's parents got divorces, she holed up, complaining that nothing would ever be the same again…and she was right. We had to stop being little kids, but in the end, that pulled us even closer together, all of us, including Aiden." Her hollow eyes look off into another place, another time.

"The funny thing is that our…misfortunes, you could say, was what kept us so close together. I'm sure we would've drifted if not for our shared misery…That was the one thing we had in common." She stops, her face contorting to something indescribable. "It was something that was more assured then our very existence.

"What? What was?" I ask, my heart hammering in my chest.

She lets out a pitiable and crooked smile.

"We all came from broken homes." She says weakly.

My face contorts in confusion. Broken homes…? I thought Ashley's father was a rock star, so…

She lets out a small chuckle and I snap my head to her.

"You don't have to be poor to come from a broken home."

…I see.

…That's weird. Never has a sentence made so much sense to me. Maybe it's because it directly applies to me. I guess I'm from a broken home too. But then, how could anyone call that place a home?

I turn my head away from her, looking into a farther and more distant time, when family seemed real.

"It's what brought us together, knowing that we all had our insecurities about our messed up families. And we were able to talk to each other about them without feeling embarrassed or scared. We could trust each other."

Her voice reaches my ears, but not my mind entirely. I'm too far gone in a sea of memories.

"How?" I ask softly. "How was your home broken?"

I hear her let out a soft, strained chuckle. It sounds bitter and quite frightening.

"In a sense, all of our families weren't there…Aiden's dad was a drunk who beat him up, Ashley's parent's were never home, and mine…it was all fake. All of it."

Her voice contains the same hollow bitterness and it stings to hear it. I'm sure I know the feeling all too well.

"What do you mean that it was all fake?" I question, still not looking at her. I'm scared to be met with a flood of tears, or worse, empty dull eyes that seem too familiar.

"They were there, but not there, I guess is how you could put it. We ate dinner together and went to church together, and all the things that a family did. But we weren't a family…It was like their smiles were all fake. And they were. We all had our secrets, but even though I call it that, we all knew of each other's secrets. No one just cared." She pauses, and I don't say a word to urge her. If she wants to, she will.

"Daddy knew all about how mom was screwing the pool boy, and mommy knew all about daddy's gambling problem, and his several "assistants". But no one cared. We just all went with our life, like it wasn't happening, like we were actually a family…And you know, they smiled and they laughed, but they were never happy." Her cracking voice sends chills down my spine.

"And I just stood there, watching as it all happened before my very eyes. It was like a game where you had to do your best not to care, not to break the illusion, and to just keep smiling. That's why it always seemed too perfect…But then, one day, it just all fell apart. I was only eleven years old when I made the mistake of ending the game. I just asked a question, and it forced them to confront it. It made them stop the music and actually look at each other. And everything fell apart." I can tell that she's trying not to cry. I hear her trying to bite back the tears.

I hear slight sniffles and I gather the courage to look to her. As I thought, there are a few stray tears that make their way down her cheek. But her expression doesn't show her acknowledging them. I know the feeling. I wouldn't cry for them either.

She inhales sharply before biting her lip.

"I…I'm sorry." It's all I can think to say. I don't really know how to comfort her. No one was there for me other then Ashley.

"Don't apologize, I know that you had your own problems with family."

The room falls into a deadly silence.

"What was Ashley's parents like?"

I can feel her looking to me, studying me. I know she won't say anything about my not-so-subtle effort in changing the topic. And she doesn't.

"They were...good. The funny thing about Ashley's parents is that, despite the fact that they were never home, they loved her."

That's funny. Seems like the opposite of my-

…

…my nothing.

"Ashley's dad was a rock star and that always demanded more of him, so he was never home. And her mom, she grew….bitter." She pauses a bit.

"Though, they weren't always like that. There was a time when they were a normal happy family. A time when they actually lived together and loved each other. It's not that they stopped, but like I said, things changed. I remember being a little kid and going over to Ashley's house, and her mom would bake us cookies while we watched T.V" She lets out a soft chuckle, and it seems sincere.

"I can't imagine her doing something like that later on. The point is that that were happy and normal, but…Ashley's mom found out about a fling that her dad had eight years ago while she was pregnant. I'm guessing that must've been Kyla's mom. And that's when her world shattered. They tried to make it work, but Ashley's dad gave up and they divorced…After that, Ashley's mom grew bitter, hollowed out. She started working in order to clear away some of the depression. And she and Ashley drifted from the family they once were."

If they drifted away, then it must mean that they were close at one point. That's better then knowing they never were at all. But I won't say that it changes the tragic fact.

"So, yeah, that's how it happened for her. I'm sure she'll never admit it, but I know that she still loved her mom and dad despite everything and they still love her. And she knew that. That's why she was waiting. Waiting until they could become a family again."

A pause.

"But that day never came." I hear more sniffles. "When I was 14, I decided that I would become Ashley's big sister and always look out for her. When I was 14…Ashley's mom died."

Another deafening silence fills the room. The only audible noise is the beeping of the machine that holds the life of the girl beside me.

I never knew that. I never knew that her mom died. I never knew any of this…I never knew her.

"Her mom was coming home after being gone for a couple of days and Ashley was so excited to see her again. She never showed her excitement, but we could always tell since she would be running all over the place, trying to make the place look clean, making it all perfect, cooking, all of it. She always did the same with her dad, too. But her mom never made it home… she uh…she was a part of a bank robbery and was one of the hostages. In the end, the robbers killed four hostages and then themselves. Ashley didn't even know until the day after, when she saw it on the news." More sniffles.

"I remember her being so sad the night before, that her mom didn't show up. She just kept whispering excuses to herself, 'She's just late, she'll be here.', 'She'll walk through that door any second now.', 'Maybe her flight was delayed and she forgot to call.', 'She's probably just stuck in traffic.' The entire time it was 'It's okay, she'll be here.' over and over again. What ever excuse you have, she thought of it. I ended up leaving when it got too late."

Her tears don't escape the corner of my eye, even as she tries to hide them behind her hand, just lighting nestling over her face.

"The next few days were literally hell for her. At first she was just in pure denial. She didn't believe in anything that was happening. Then she started getting mad, destroying everything in her sight. Around a week after, she holed up. She wouldn't talk to anyone and wouldn't even face her dad. I tried so many times to reach her, and it took a while, but I finally ended up doing so…"

-------------------------------------Flashback Madison's P.O.V-------------------------------------

_I should do something. She's suffering and in pain, but what do I do?_

"_Ashley?" I call out into the door. _

_There's no answer._

_I don't want to scare her, but she needs me right now. She needs someone._

"_Ashley, c'mon it's me, Mad Dee." I use my childhood nickname, hopefully it'll help. _

_Again there's no answer._

_I knock on the door again, leaning in on it all the while. _

_Please don't do this to yourself, Ashley. It won't help. _

"_Ashley, open the door. Please, I promise that it's only me. There's no one else here."_

_There's still no answer._

"_Ashley?! Ashley!" I yell into the door. The only other way into her room is through the window, but it's too high up._

_What's going on? Why isn't she answering?_

"_Ashley, c'mon, I'm getting worried out here. Please answer the door!" _

…

"_Ashley, please answer the door. It's been a week and you still haven't left you room!"_

…

_Dammit! Why isn't she answering?_

…

_Screw this. _

_I move away from the door and look about, searching for something that might help me. I go to the kitchen and finally find something that I can use. I take the large fire extinguisher and walk back up to Ashley's room. Hoisting the heavy object up, I bring it down harshly on the door knob._

'_A little bit more.'_

_The door knob dents but holds in place. I repeat the action and bring the object down again. _

'_Not yet.' _

_I do this several times until the door knob finally breaks off. I push the door, but it still doesn't budge. _

'_Ah Gawd! I swear, if I get bruises I'm blaming you, Ash!'_

_Posing myself, I charge and slam against the door using my shoulder._

"_Ow!"_

'_Fuck that hurt!'_

_Okay, one more time._

"_Hiyaa!" I do my best battle cry as I tackle the door again. _

_The door swings open as I make the hard contact. _

'_Ugh.'_

_Fuck my shoulder hurts. _

_I take a minute to breathe as I lean over, my hands on my knees. I rub my aching and sore shoulder before heading deeper into the large room. _

"_Ashley?!" I call out into the trashed and destroyed room._

_I take careful steps as I walk past shattered glass and destroyed pieces of furniture. There are thrashed instruments all over the place and broken picture frames decorate the floor. _

"_Ashley!" I call into the seemingly empty room. _

_She's not by her bed or the section of the window where she usually is. I go deeper into the obscenely large room and am faced with another door._

_I turn the knob. Meeting no resistance, I enter the bathroom. _

…_Ashle…_

_I see her curled up into a little ball into the corner of the room. I run over to her, looking over her body for any cuts and bruises. I run my hands over her hands. Her hands are firmly placed around her knees, while her face is buried in between them. _

"_Ashle? Ashle, baby it's me. It's me, Mad Dee." I whisper her own childhood nickname softly into her ear as I look over her body for any signs of injury._

_She doesn't respond, but I'm satisfied with her physical condition. I wrap my arms around her tightly. _

"_It's okay. I'm right here." I coo softly into the fragile girl's ear. She doesn't respond again, and I hold her even tighter. _

"_C'mon, where's the Ashle I know?" I joke, but she still doesn't say anything. _

_I let out a sigh and just sit there beside her, my arms still firmly placed around her._

"_She didn't come home." She says quietly and softly. Her hollow and empty voice echoes in the room._

"_She promised she'd come home." She's shaking a little and I hold her even tighter in my arms. _

"_She promised…" She lets it stray off in the deafening silence. _

"_She abandoned me." Her voice starts to crack._

"_She didn't abandon you, Ashle." I say softly, in hopes that it might calm her down a bit. _

"_Yes she did. It's all her fault." She's heartbroken, and I don't know what to do to help. _

"_Don't ever think that. She loved you. She just…got caught in something bad, and not of her own volition." I try and reason with her. "None of it was her fault. She never wanted it to turn out like this." _

"_That's a laugh. This is exactly how she wanted things to turn out." She chuckles out bitterly._

"_Don't say that, Ash. You know very well that she loved you."_

"_I don't understand how you could even say that. Love? What kind of a loving parent abandons their child?" I clench my teeth in slight anger and annoyance.  
_

"_Stop it. She did love you. And she never abandoned you. This wasn't what she wanted."_

_I'm getting sick of how she's talking. How could she even think such things?_

"_You know that's not true. She hated me. She hated having to come back to a kid when she could have been living it up. This is just her way of punishing me and herself. It's not like she actually loved m-"_

"_Stop it!" I pull away from her. How the hell could she even think that? Doesn't she know anything?!  
_

"_Don't you dare spout some random, bitter bullshit about her not loving you! You don't get to say such things!" I snap at her._

_She finally looks up from her comfort zone and deadpans me. _

"_You know that it's true! It's not like she ever cared for me! That's why she was never home! She was just acting like she cared! She doesn't love me-"_

_Smack!_

_The sound reverberates all through the room, after I pulled back my hand and let my palm hit her cheek harshly. _

_Her eyes are wide in shock and awe, her partially turned head remaining stationary. Her cheek looks red and she's blinking in amazement. _

"_Shut up!" I yell at her angrily. What right does she have to talk?! She doesn't know what that actually feels like. She doesn't know the feeling of living and knowing your parents don't care. Her parents don't love her? That's bullshit!_

"_Who the hell do you think you are?! You think you can go spouting off your mouth just because you lost your mom. Newsflash, Ash, she was like a mom to me too! So don't you dare go talking about shit that you don't know! Especially when you know that none of that crap is true…Especially when that's the one thing you've had above me and Aiden, Ash!" I spout at her through the fat tears rolling down my cheek. "Your parents actually love you! Even- even if they aren't there all the time, they still love you and want to make you happy! At least they're not a bunch of fake smiles and secret affairs. They actually care about you…"_

_She still facing away, but now small tears roll down her own cheek. "They- they don't lie to you straight out without even caring. And even though they might break their promises every once in a while, they still have the time to let you know that that they love you, and actually mean it! We don't know what that feels like! We don't know what it feels like to look at our parents and have them say that, and truly mean it…Do you know how lucky you are?" She still won't face me._

"_Your mom may be gone, but at least you can say that she still loves you. And that everything she did was in order to try and make you happy." My voice softens. "It's different for us, Ash. For us, it really wouldn't matter if our parents died, because it would be the same if they were alive. But you…you're so lucky that you at least still have your dad, and that your mom is watching over you from wherever she is…And…this might seem like wishful thinking, but all you have to do is remember that she's right beside you." _

_She finally turns to me, her large brown eyes are full of fat tears. Her dark eyes seem so sad, seem so full of despair. It's like looking into the deepest chasm and looking for light. Impossible. _

_She suddenly throws her arms around me and buries her face into my chest, sobbing. I pull my own arms around her form, holding the fragile girl to my body._

"_Shh. It's okay." I whisper._

"_I'm sorry." She mumbles through my clothes. "I'm sorry." She says again._

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She continually mumbles as she digs her face into me. "I'm so sorry, mom. I shouldn't have- I could have not- I'm sorry! I'm so sorry." I stroke her hair slightly. "It's my fault… I made her come home. If only I didn't urge her to come home, then maybe she would still be alive. Maybe she wouldn't have died."_

_I let out a soft sigh._

"_That's not true either. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault."_

"_You know it's the truth! " She cries out. _

"_It's not. Look…I know that placing the blame on someone, anyone, makes it easier. I know that trying to accept it as it is, which is something that was inevitable, is so much harder, but what else can you do? As easy as it is to blame someone, it only ends up hurting you more, and that's not worth it."_

_She doesn't say anything, and continually sobs into my chest. I lift my hand again, letting it stroke her curls slightly. _

"_How do I do that? How do I not blame someone? How can I not, when it's the only way to see how I could have done things differently?" She asks meekly, her hands clutching desperately unto my back. _

"_But that's just it, you can't go back. As much as you want to, you can't change things and bring her back. You can't pine on what's happened. You just have to focus on what you still have, and find a way to keep going and maybe atone while you are."_

"_But how, Mad Dee?" She ask me in a weak and desperate voice as she pulls away to look me in the eye with deep, soulful, large, brown eyes. _

"_There's no one way…You just keep living and hopefully you'll find the answer on the way." _

_She lets out a sigh then buries her head on my shoulder. I put a hand on her shoulder, rubbing her skin softly. _

'_Mad Dee, can you stay with me?" She meekly questions, still cowering in my shoulder. For the first time today, I let out a small smile. _

"_Anything for you, Ashle." _

_I won't let anything happen to her anymore. I've lost enough. I won't lose her too. It's frightening to even think about losing the people who are close to you, the people who you can call family. _

_I lean back against the walls, just cradling the tired girl in my arms. Her harsh breathing evens out slightly, and she relaxes in my hold, no longer clutching tightly. I stroke her head softly until she falls limp in my arms. I let out another sigh, allowing my own body to relax while my eyelids grow heavier. _

_I won't sleep though. I can't. I just feel like I have to be here and awake. I just feel as though that I need to protect her by doing this. I know that I won't be of much use, but I promise that I won't let anyone hurt her. _

'_I won't let anyone hurt you. I'll be right here, okay? Just…Just talk to me and I'll be there. I promise that everything will be alright.'_

_I kiss her head softly. _

"_Even is everyone disappears, I promise you that I'll still be by your side…" I whisper softly into her hair. 'Even if the whole world abandons us, we'll still have each other.'_

_Letting my head lean back, I let the memories flood my mind. _

_Those were happier times. _

_Those were innocent times._

_When there was nothing to protect each other from. _

_No longer. _

"_Hey…Do you remember when we were younger, I think we were six or seven, and it was on your birthday, and you…you um, you climbed up that tree? You were so excited about being a year older, cause you kept telling yourself that you'd finally be able to do it. And you did, but when you got up, you realized exactly how high it was and you got so scared. You still won't tell anyone about your fear of heights… I remember you screaming out to your mom that you'd be a good girl as long as you didn't fall and die." I let out a soft chuckle. _

_I know that she's asleep. Her soft, light snoring is the only sound I can hear from her._

_It feels weird. It feels different now. Maybe it's because we're finally in high school, but something feels off. But it feels scary. It feels like…like a strange turning point. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I know that it'll be fine. _

_I let out another soft chuckle as another memory enters my mind._

"_There was also that time when you first got your period, and you were so scared. You didn't want to tell anyone cause you were so embarrassed. Back then, no one really wanted their period, cause it was too scary, cause it represented growing up and moving away from childhood. We had to leave behind innocent dreams, and actually think about what we were doing. We had to admit that cooties didn't exist, and that boys weren't as gross as we originally thought…It was funny though. You begged me to keep quiet, and not to tell anyone. You even had me buy you some pads. I remember finding out when I went over to your house for a sleepover. And the next day, all I could hear was you screaming at the top of your lungs. When you looked in the bed there was a large blood stain and I had to put my hand to your mouth to stop you from screaming. After that, all you could do was sob and beg for me not to tell anyone." A soft smile plays on my face. _

"_I was so happy that I was the only one who knew. I felt like someone who you could confide in. It felt like I had a family, and you were my little sister. I still feel that way now, y'know? I guess it's kinda obnoxious of me to think like that, but that's what it felt like." I let the reminiscent tears shed. _

'_You think of me like that too, right? Am I your sister?'_

_I do think of her as my sister. How can I help it, when she's one of the only people I've actually felt close enough to call my family? Her parents were closer to me then my own were. _

"_Do you remember last year, when we graduated from middle school, you wrote in my yearbook? I saved an entire page in there for you, and of course, you did the same. In the end, you ended up filling the page with funny inside jokes…I was wondering why you still kept it, even when you already finished writing your message. But…when you finally gave it back, I looked over the yearbook and I saw the reason. There was a black page in there, and I almost didn't see the writing in blue pen, but I did. And what was written in there…well, I'm just glad that you weren't around when I read it, cause I really don't like people seeing my cry over sentimental things. I couldn't believe my eyes. I could never have thought of you writing something so…sappy. In the beginning of the message, I remember you were just fooling around, talking about how I'd never see the message in the first place. Then…you,…you wrote about how we would go through high school, and everything would change and be different. I remember you were kidding about how we would become indifferent, and become like those people who pass each other in the halls and just catch the other's eye for a second before walking away." My sniffles are louder then my actually voice as I whisper the words. _

"_But as I read on, you began to get more serious, about how we'd never forget each other, and that we'd make sure to never stop being friends even if we got disgustingly sick of each other. And then…and at the end of the note, you uh…you wrote something that made me understand why you probably hid the message. You wrote that I'd be reading this message twenty years from now, when I finally find it, and I'd be laughing. You wrote that I'd be laughing and crying, remembering all the stupid things we did. You wrote that I'd be in disbelief at exactly how dumb I was for keeping a trouble maker like you as a friend. You wrote about how I'd be on my coach, a pile of old scrapbooks and yearbooks on the coffee table in front of me, with my two children already in bed, and my faithful husband sleeping early to let me have a night off. And then…And then…you uh…you wrote that even though I was looking back at memories of us, I wouldn't miss you, because you'd be right there beside me, laughing with me. That, twenty years from then, we'd still know each other and fight and argue and do everything that annoying best friends do. And I…cried. I couldn't help it. I just cried." I sniffle again as my cracked voice comes to a halt. _

"_Thank God, you're not listening. That would be way too embarrassing." _

_The room is engulfed by silence, the only noise being the soft buzzing of the light. _

_Time passes. It's short time, but I can't exactly say how short. My soaked eyelids start to feel the exhaustion of the events and are getting droopy. I let out a soft yawn before letting my head lean down on the one in front of me. _

_I'll just close my eyes for a little bi-_

_Ding Dong!_

_What the fuck was that?! _

_My eyes pop wide open while my body jolts to life. The girl in front of me suffers the same shock. We both look around, trying to grasp reality and find the source of the noise. _

_The ear drilling noise doesn't halt and we both look to each other before realization grasps us and we both come to the same conclusion._

"_Aiden."_

_The unison of our words sends giggles running through both of us before we both make our way out the door._

_I let her lead the way as we venture through the room full of shattered glass and broken furniture. I stretch my tired limbs as I hear a small mumbling sound in front of me._

"_I said you'd have three kids."  
_

_What?_

"_Did you say something, Ash?" She turns back to me and smiles innocently. "No." _

_I'm sure I heard something…_

_I give a small shrug and we continue to the door. I, unlike Aiden, have keys to the mansion. I've had them since I was eight, and I've used them more frequently then I've used my own house keys. _

_We open the door, and lo and behold, a teary eyed Aiden standing at the door. _

"_Ashley, I'm so sorry. I just found out." He cries out before he charges forward and engulfs her in a hug._

"_Aiden, it's alright. You were away, how could I expect you to know?" She smiles sadly in his strangling hold. He continues to let out his tears on her shoulder, and I release a soft chuckle. _

"_Um, Aiden, I can't breathe." I hear her say in a very choked voice as I watch her face turn into an unhealthy shade of purple._

"_Oh, sorry." He says submissively as he releases the girl. "Look, I'm really sorry about your mom. I know what it feels like to lose someone who really loves you." He says sympathetically. _

"_Hey, it's alright. I mean, it's not like I'll be over it anytime soon, but I'm getting there thanks to Mad Dee." She turns to me, letting a small smile paint her face. "And now that you're here, I'm sure that I'll be better in no time." She gives him another tired yet reassuring smile. _

_We both flash the same smile as Aiden wraps his arms around both of us. "Good, cause we don't want to lose anymore family, right?" He questions us both._

"_Right." We answer and return his hug. _

_That's right. Because this is my family. We can't lose each other. We've already lost enough. That's why we'll do anything to protect each other. _

_Anything._

--------------------------------------------Flashback End----------------------------------------------

…

Family…I've never felt the meaning of the word. Are they supposed to be the people that guide you, or the people that love you unconditionally? What does it matter, it's not like I've had either.

Looking up, I see Madison still looking far away, I'm sure reminiscing on better times when everything wasn't so confusing, when everything made sense. Not anymore.

"We treasured her, y'know? She actually was family. I was…I was her big sister, and Aiden, he was…he was the protective yet bratty younger brother…We always thought things would stay that way, that no matter what, we would all still be together, as a family." Her voice brings such a sad tone to my ear.

"No one told us how foolish we were…Because it wouldn't be long before things fell apart." I hear a crooked chuckle echo in the room.

"The funny thing is, technically we got what we wanted. I mean, here we are, more then ten years later, still friends and in contact with one another. But I'm not sure if it's gonna be that way for long…"

She lets the sentence stray and I gather up what little nerve in me to ask her what I originally wanted to.

"Madison, when Ashley was in her breakdown, do you know how she lost her memories and how she got her second breakdown?" I ask expectantly.

Silence.

She falters a bit before speaking.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know how that happened…I…ran away. I couldn't deal and so, I ran away after a little bit." She says quietly and ashamedly, as she bites down on her lip.

"What do you mean?" My voice, to my surprise makes its way out.

"I mean that I packed up and left. I was barely even there during that time. And Aiden was the only one that was with her when her second breakdown occurred…I couldn't….I couldn't deal with seeing her like that, knowing I wasn't able to do anything to help, knowing that I couldn't just hold her and everything would be alright. So I left."

Another silence lulls in the room.

"If it was you, you would've done the same thing. It was just scary seeing her like that. Looking into her eyes and not seeing the same person…I can't tell you what happened to her during her second breakdown, but I can tell you what I saw, something scary…something wicked…

TBC

**So? How'd you like it? Or hate it?**


	20. Chapter 20

Okay...let's just say that a lot of things have happened. I got an operation, ended up missing the first couple of eeks of school, had to catch up in school, thinking about coming out, the "s" and the "w" key won't work on the keyboard properly, and made me end up having to copy and paste for a long while

Chapter 20

*Spencer's P.O.V*

"It was two weeks in to her therapy; I always visited her each day. Thing is, I could never stay for too long because I was the one in charge of Public Relations, meaning I handled the media coverage. But each day, without fail, I would go and see her, sometimes only minutes, and other times for hours. I didn't help much though, cause all I'd really be able to do was watch her from behind a glass window and see as she would, day after day, try to overcome her own mentality."

Picturing her words in my head, I ignore the disturbing aspect of the scene. "But she was getting better. She had her good days and her bad ones too. The former much less then the latter, but it was improvement nonetheless. There were days when she just seemed so calm. We were always hopeful on those days that she would stay like that, and then eventually get better for good. Obviously, from up until I left, she never did..."

I look to the girl on the bed, remembering each blissful memory I had of her in my head. I think back on every smile and every laugh that was ever engraved in my memory, to every happy moment that has claimed her heart, and to the sad ones that have claimed mine.

It's beautiful.

She's beautiful.

If I could, I would carve all those happy memories into her, and drain all the bad ones away, from her and me both. If I could, I would kiss away every tear, and I would let her sleep an eternal sleep if that dream was better then reality.

"I wanna know..." My weak voice speaks out. I wanna know what happened. If I could, I'd want to know everything, but I can only settle for this. It's confusing... I should be mad, right? I should be angry, right? I should hate her, and make her scream in redemption. I don't. And I don't even know why.

I don't take my eyes off of the pale girl. I feel as though it would be a sin to.

"You should. You should know everything, and I can only apologize that I can't tell you everything. But I can at least tell you this.

-------------------------------------Flashback Madison's P.O.V-------------------------------------

_I stretch out tired limbs as I walk down the long corridor. The hall is filled with busy patrons and patients unto their own private destinations and businesses, much like myself. I rub my eyes softly, the white light above me doing a good job of irritating my green orbs. I haven't had a lot of sleep these days, but how can I sleep with all that's been going on?_

_She should be getting her medication right about now._

_I turn the corner before I arrive to my destination. Standing behind the glass pane, I look forward_

_I feel my body tense as I take in the sight before me._

_Nothing._

_There's no one there. What's going on?_

_I look about the empty room through the glass window, seeing nothing but an empty bed and restraints, with ruffled sheets. I turn away from the room, first checking if I had the right one, and only to grow to my anxious suspicion when I see that I do. Biting my lip, and trying to temporarily calm my racing heart, I search around and see a familiar nurse nearby._

_"Um, excuse me, do you know what happen to know where the patient that was staying in this room is?" I ask in my calmest voice, still unable to rid it of the slight shaking._

_My form tenses even more though, when I see the worried expression on her face and her stiff attitude._

_"Um, Ms. Davies has been missing since early noon, miss. Oh! But don't worry, we've had our security personnel currently looking for her as we speak, and we've confirmed that she hasn't left the hospital grounds yet."_

_Hell no._

_"What?!! What do you mean she's been missing?! Don't you people have cameras in this damn hospital?!" I look to her in a mix of anger, disbelief, distress, and a list of other emotions that I'm quite frankly too busy to even describe right now._

_I mean, this is a hospital, how could they possibly lose someone?!_

_The nurse looks around nervously before leaning in as if to say a secret. "Yes, well, the earthquake earlier today knocked some wires loose and the cameras are still down."_

_No. No. No. No. No. This cannot be happening._

_I'm sorry, but our personnel are looking for her and I'm sure she'll be found very shortly." The girl cowered away and she should. This is not good. My God, how the hell can they lose her?!_

_"You don't understand, your patient, the one that you lost, is not a very stable mental state right now. How the hell is she supposed to react when she sees a bunch of guys chasing after her and trying to capture her?!" I huff out in anxiety._

_Oh God, this cannot be fucking happening._

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!_

_"Uh- I- Um- I'll call the doctor." She stutters out before heading off._

_Fuck that. I'll look for her myself._

_I take several deep breaths in an attempt to calm my beating heart down before moving towards the ward map._

_Where in the world could she be?_

_I look to the map and make a mental note at all the places where someone with her state of mind, or anyone else for that matter, might be willing to wander off to. The Cafe, the roof (God, I hope not), the private garden, or even some of the bathrooms. It seems unlikely that she's just stopped into a random patients hospital room, cause chances are that she would've already been found._

_Okay, let's calm down first. Taking several deep breathes, I ser out to quickly look in the first destination, the Cafe._

_The place is crowded with visitors, doctors, and patients all the same, but I see no one that looks to be the description of the girl that I'm looking for. I walk around the large room, quickly inspecting each table for her._

_No such luck._

_I scan the place one final time, then head off into the private garden. There's a little section outside that's closed off for psych ward patients, they say it's something that calms them._

_I head outside, looking to the people who are leisurely walking around in wheelchairs and with machines strapped to their wrists and bodies. Most of them are accompanied by a nurse or a family member, it seems. I walk on the soft grass, looking about the twisting and turning paths leading me to an empty water fountain._

_I allow a sigh to escape my lips while my hands rub my temples._

_Dammit!_

_Where the hell is she?_

_So she wasn't in the cafe, or outside. Then she should either be in the roof, or the bathrooms. Let's hope it's the latter._

_Gripping sweaty palms at my side, I make my way back inside to the building. I head for the stairwell. It should lead me to the last floor, but after that, there's another set of stairs that will lead me to the roof._

_Just a few more steps...There!_

_I lean over my knees, trying to catch more air into my nervously anxious lungs._

_If I remember correctly, the other staircase is on the other side of the ward. I make a beeline towards the other side, clutching my aching side as I do so. My fatigued body feels sore, I guess I really should work out more. The bright lights above me sting my tired and sleep deprived eyes, while the depressing atmosphere of sickly patients, some awaiting untimely deaths, does nothing to help my own partly crazed demeanor, and dark and grim spirit._

_Patients and workers alike gaze on me as I now limp my way to my destination._

_It's a hospital for God's sake, haven't they ever seen someone limp before._

_I think there's a shortcut through here._

_I turn the corner, only to be met with a wall of nurses, and some janitors and workers whispering about._

_I stand there for a second before moving to get passed them._

_"Um, excuse me, you can't go through here. This area is closed off until security gets here."_

_A worker stops and informs me. I look to them in confusion as I look ahead. There's nothing there, so what's wrong?_

_"Why not?" I say with a snarky attitude, crankiness from lack of sleep, as well as stress clearly building its way up through my body. I'm not exactly looking for an argument, but I will say that I am not one to be bossed around._

_"Um, this area's been closed off until security and guard personnel can clear it." He uselessly repeats himself, as he tries to tell me patiently despite my rather rude demeanor._

_"Personnel? What personnel? Why?" I ask in a rather panicked voice. Can it be...?_

_The male looks around to the other workers, exchanging cautious glances._

_"Well, we really shouldn't be informing anyone, but there's a patient who snuck into the staff showers, and she won't leave so we're currently getting security to help." He explains._

_The showers?_

_"What does this girl look like?" My hushed tone revealed in my question._

_"Well she's a patient at this ward, about early twenties, and with curled brown hair." The ever so gossip loving nurses informed me. I'm sure the thrill of newly working at a place like this enhanced their excitement at experiencing the drama they see in shows that they were probably too much of a loser to experience in high school. Nonetheless._

_Ashley!_

_"Fuck." I look past the group of gossiping ball of nerves to the empty hallway ahead. "I need to get through, now." I tell the wall of people._

_They look at me like I'm crazy, but I ignore the glances._

_"I know the person in there!" I hastily try and explain._

_"I'm sorry miss, but you'll just have to wait for security to get here and get your friend out."_

_Wait? Fuck that._

_I look once again to the empty hall in front of me before turning back and walking away. From the corner of my eye, I see the employees relax. As soon as they do, I turn on my heel and run at them at full speed, catching them off guard as I make my way past them. I get a few quick strides before I finally hear cries of realization, and yells of defiance from behind me._

_"Hey stop!"_

_I ignore the slightly confused yells and go straight through until I see a sign on a door indicating employee showers. I enter the room, only to be hit with a wave of heat and moisture._

_I let out a few coughs into the humid and hot air. The once fogged mirrors, not just plainly wet with moisture, give me an indication to the heat in the room._

_I step forward cautiously._

_"Ashley!"_

_My voice echoes into the oversized room. The buzzing light above me falters in it's duty. The moist heat causes my clothes to stick to my course and aching skin. I walk forward again._

_"She's just a little girl  
Living in someone else's world  
She's scared and she knows  
That they're all the same, friend or foe  
Though she doesn't realize  
That someone sees through her eyes"_

_A strangled voice makes it's way to my ears. I feel my breathe leaving me, dying in my throat successfully. I freeze in my spot, feeling a change come over me, overtake me, swallowing me whole._

_My whole body shakes in with chills as time freezes in its place. As if the world stopped turning, it grows ever colder, even with the heat in the air._

_The small and unfamiliar tune echoes in my head during the untouched time. It's a familiar voice, familiar to the point that I've been listening to it almost all the days of my life._

_And as though it never happened, the world continues it's ever moving rotation._

_"Some nights she cries herself to sleep.  
Just another girl who's in too deep  
She doesn't see you or know you  
Hell, she doesn't even know about you"_

_Another verse of the unfamiliar song reverberates in the large room. The only other sound being the noise of the ever growing sound of rushing water pounding down on the floor, and I'm assuming flesh._

_"Ashley?" I manage to make out. I meant to call it out, yet it only ended up sounding like a frightened and terrified voice of a coward. And that's exactly what it is._

_"But you saw her  
And you know her  
And you know her dreams of living  
And you know that she's worth giving"_

_Another verse, with the room growing colder and colder in the heat, tearing my body apart._

_I force my body forward, inching towards the source of the chill inspiring sound._

_"You know all of her weaknesses  
All her loves, essences and instances  
All the times she's said she wants to die  
But you know her, you know it's a lie"_

_The continuous blast of heat and moisture makes breathing a difficult task. It's like being in a sauna, only worse given the circumstances. My partially moist clothes cling to my body, making me all the more hotter._

_My body shakes with a premature fear that I know might overtake me. The urge to turn away grows increasingly hard to ignore, but I can't do that. I can't leave her right now..._

_"All the times she mutes her screams  
When everyone else passes them off as dreams  
You've seen her talk through her tears  
It's the same way you see through her fears"_

_My heart hammers in my chest, and my attempts to slow down the beating appendage seems to all be in vain. I know that my thoughts of valour are unclear. I know that my bravery is fake, but I think it'll be even harder for me to leave then to stay, thinking about what she might be going through._

_I keep my shaking hands still at my side, trying my best to try and fight back the chills creeping up and down my spine. I know that for some strange reason, my eyes are watering in a premature fear, but I do my best to play it off._

_I have to. I can't leave..._

_"Like each time when you pull her up from the shadows  
You're only a step away, a single blink she knows  
Cause just it's too sad to say  
That you only exist when she lays  
When her eyes close, consciousness drifts  
Sad to say you only exist in that rift"_

_The sound of rushing water grows louder and with it the sound of her ever so familiar voice. I know that I've stalled too much, letting the thoughts in my head exaggerate the mood, and my fear as well._

_Is it too much to say that it feels as though something is shaking my soul? Shaking until it crumbles into small little pieces? A small scratching sound reaches my ears, and I turn the gears in my head in frightened curiosity._

_I stand in front of a partially closed door, with nothing but a small crack leaving it open. The sound of the rushing water seems to be coming from the other side. The weird scratching sound still echoes in the room, as the cracked voice buzzes the earlier tune, humming in my ears._

_My breathe catches in my throat and I almost choke on the thick moisture of the hot air that seems to be scalding the confines of my neck with each painful breath._

_My slightly convulsing hand reaches out, clenching first before it grabs the loose handle. Letting my hand move, I open the door, bracing myself for the scene before…_

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should have done it. We shouldn't have done it. We should've understood and realized. We should've seen it, but we didn't care what would happen to you or even her. We only cared about keeping everything the same, even though we were the ones the changed things in the first place. We thought that after Annaliese you would never be…I'm sorry, but we only cared about keeping everything the same, and we couldn't let you leave, because we were too scared of falling apart by ourselves._

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…_

_I bite my lip, turning my head away from the scene before me, as another wall of even hotter moisture hits me. My hands clench at my side, my eyes shut as tight as possible, trying to clear away the tears in the corner of my eye._

_Shivers run down my spine and I can only say that I've never felt so cold in my life. It feels like it's tearing my body apart, the mixture of hot and cold, of guilt and confrontation._

_Please…Please…I'm sorry._

_I can feel the scalding hot water flooding out of the stall and torching the tops of my heels going as far as hurting it through the expensive plastic. My eye, which I pry open slowly scans over the wall of the tall, trying my best to avoid the centre of attention. I almost take a step back as I see the scratches on the wall, writing and drawings. The word "Blue" written over and over again, repeatedly. The indents on the wall covering the picture of an eye and some strange words and markings that are too scratched up to discern._

_I finally throw my eyes down to the girl in front of me. She's there, crouching on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest, one hand held out with her fingers wrapped tightly around the scissors in them, scratching away at the walls of the stall._

_She hums as though without a care in the world, her entire body is flushed red for the scalding hot water hitting and bruising against her skin._

_I'm sorry._

_I see the red pigment of blood seeping through soaked bandages on her arms. Her hair is matted to her face, stuck still against aching features._

_I'm sorry._

_She repeats the song again, only just humming it without words._

_I'm sorry._

_"I'm sorry."_

_My eyes snap open, it's not my voice, it's hers._

_"I'm sorry, but I can't. I have to do this." My shaking arms wrap themselves around my own shoulders as I try my best to keep standing._

_"I know that it's weird, but I feel like I have to do this. It's not your fault. It's mine. I still haven't told her. I should. I should tell her though."_

_I try to find her eyes with mine, only to see dark orbs with no trace of the warm brown they once were. In their place is a set of dark empty containing no emotion._

_I wish I would hold her hand and saw that I'm right here. I wish I could tell her, I'm right beside you and I won't leave your side until you're through this._

_I can't. I'm just too weak._

_I look away again, shutting my eyes tight, gritting down tightly on my teeth, forcing back the urge to scream,._

_Her lips are parted and she's continually scratching at the wooden stall, as though she doesn't even recognize my existence. She forces all her attention on her own ministrations, but continually ignores my presence._

_I'm sorry, I should be holding your hand, and having you in my arms. I should be kissing away your tears, and taking away your pain. But I know that you won't let me, but if anything, I'm the one that deserves it._

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

_If I had known it would turn out like this, I wouldn't have done what I did. I thought that I was protecting you. All I did was try and protect you, me, and us. All of us._

_My body convulses harder and I collapse to my knees, my clothes immediately soaking from the hot water flooding the stall. My arms wrap around myself tightly, knowing that I should do something, but also knowing that I won't. My eyes though shut tight, shed tears from the corner, letting them stream down my burning face._

_I curl myself up in a tight ball on the floor, trying to make everything go away, trying to get everything out of my body. I hate it, and I don't want it. Please, I'm sorry._

_A noise escape my mouth that I can only recognize as a pathetic sob. My sobbing continues, blocking her humming, which stops now, as my sad sound bounces off the walls. My fetal position rocks slightly as I intake in air._

_I don't know how much time passes, but it does, and it comes in small amounts. It's almost as though God is taking each second and multiplying it into hours just to punish me. Then let him, I can only say that I deserve it, but she's served her time. All I can say is that, in each painstakingly long second, all I can do is let out my pathetic wail, cry out all my apologies and regrets in a language not understood by the human ear._

_"Aaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhhh!" I cry out loud, trying my best to bring the pain inside of me, out through my cries._

_"Aaaaagggggggggghhhhhh!" I sob out._

_I'm sorry._

_"Aaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhhh!"_

_I'm so sorry._

_"AAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"_

_Footsteps from behind me are loudly approaching and I hear people yelling, but I just block out their voices, and it comes to me only as a noise. I feel someone run up beside me and gasp more noises._

_I feel someone tug on my arms, but I try to keep them to my body, holding what's left of me. They whisper words that I'm guessing are supposed to be soft, but only come out as frightening and jagged enough to leave cuts in me._

_The person forcefully lifts me in their arms after a while of noise and I try to protest in their arms, still attempting to keep my eyes shut._

_I'm dragged off with someone's hands under my own and I open my tired eyes slightly only to see a large orderly carrying Ashley in his arms. Her eyes meet mine, and I see the apology she displays in her face as the slight tears fall down._

_It hurts to see her paling face before me, but that's another type of pain that I can't complain about. I know the one that she's going through is worse._

_I try and tighten up in a ball as much as I can._

_I can feel the motion of me being carried away, and I let the movement take over my mind, if only just to take away some of the emotions running in my head, and flowing out through my body in the form of streaming tears._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm so sorry._

_I would take it all back if I could._

_I can't, and now the only thing I can do is live having that hand over my head for all the days of my life._

_I will try, and try, but I can never forget, and even if I do, my sins will still be there, never giving me a moment's rest._

_I feel them lie me down on to a bed, but I don't really need to be here. I don't really care about being here, but I can't move. This is safer. This is better when I'm not there, not near her._

_I don't want to be beside her, no matter how much I feel I should be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm a coward. I'm sorry that I'm scared. I'm sorry that I can't handle it in the way that you do. I'm sorry. I'm scared of having to go through what you do, and it's scary enough just seeing it._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry…_

_I'm so sorry, to you and Spe…_

_---_

_There's nothing here, just darkness in what I can guess is a dream. It's like being stuck in a dark chasm that swallows everything whole, crushing it with an invisible weight that seems heavier and more burdening then the weight of the world._

_It's just pure emptiness, so sound ,no colour, no scent, nothing to feel and touch. Just emptiness. I'm screaming, but nothing's coming out, and I'm reaching out, but I can't even see myself._

_----_

_My tired lids awaken, blinking rapidly to get a grasp of what's around me._

_I- What's-_

_I feel a strange pain in my palms and look to my hands to see the marks caused by digging my nails into my palm._

_I confirm my suspicion when I see the slightly dried cracked blood on the tips of my fingers. I don't know what's going on anymore. I admit, that is my head is throbbing pain._

_I get up from the empty patients bed, still slightly confused about what's happening. My body feels weak and fatigued, but I don't care, not now at least. My feet carry me to a familiar area, where I stand behind a screen window and watch at the room inside._

_It's only her in the room, no one else. She's lying down on her bed, looking blankly out the window, with fresh new bandages on her arms, and restraints so that she won't escape again. Her face, from what I can see, looks miserable and she looks like the living dead, pale, bony, lifeless._

_She turns her head to face me, our eyes meeting. Her expression doesn't change much other then for the guilt that overcomes her eyes before she quickly turns away._

_I let out a small sigh, leaning my head against the glass window, and closing my eyes in thought. I'm sorry._

_"I'm sorry."_

_I say out quietly, knowing he can't hear me. "I should've never hurt you and her."_

_I'm sorry.  
_  
------------------------------------------Flashback Ends-----------------------------------------------

I look away from her. Not wanting to see such a pitiful face in someone I once thought was strong, and especially for someone that I'm supposed to hate. But it only makes me wonder, where that woman that instilled fear in me went? Where's the girl who made me hide half of my high school career? Where is she, and who is the mess in front of me that looks exactly like her? And it makes me wonder why I was even scared of her in the first place.

There was no sniffling or crying during the story, and I didn't hear or see her cry once, or shed a tear when saying it, and yet it felt sincere, and I hate it. She wasn't dramatizing her feelings, but only told the truth, even if her apologies were unheard, and useless. Her voice warrants sympathy. Sympathy that she probably doesn't even want or is asking for. But that's fine, because it's something that I won't give her.

"After that, I couldn't even look at her…" She sighs out in a manner that can only be described as sad and pathetic. "I ended up going home and drowning myself in sleep, but I always ended up waking up cause of nightmares. I didn't go the next day, and I came up with a stupid excuse. Aiden dropped by later that day, asking me what happened, but I couldn't even tell him. I guess that I just didn't want him to know of how I abandoned her. Especially after what he was doing"

Abandon…

Is that what that is…?

"He didn't press anymore after I told him that nothing happened, and I could tell it was probably more damaging then he thought.

Instead, he said that Ashley had a message for me, and that he didn't know what the message meant, but that she probably didn't mean it…"

A pause in the distilled air between us.

"Look away." A small bitter chuckle makes it's way into the air, the sensation hitting me hard.

"I never went back after that, and I left far away to take care of business and publicity in places that didn't even matter. But that wasn't the point, I did exactly what she told me to, even though it hurt to know that she would tell me to do it in the first place.

I knew that she probably felt guilty for what happened, and that's why she said that, but I felt guilty for doing what she said, when I knew that she needed me. But the worst part of it all was that I never looked back. I never even thought about seriously going back until I heard that she was finally okay again. It would always be in my mind, but I knew that I wasn't gonna do it. She could've been dying and I wouldn't have known, and even if I did, I still wouldn't have gone back, not until her heart stopped beating, and I could see her again, finally in a state of peace."

What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to react to that cowardice when, God knows that it's something too familiar to me? I know the feeling of having people watch and so nothing, absolutely nothing. Why…?

"Why?" I saw, my voice tense along with the rest of my body. "Why weren't you there for her? Why didn't you help her? You could've done something. You could've made a difference, but you didn't. Why?" I question her, my voice grinding down hard. The fact is, I know that I'm not mad at her. Truthfully I could understand why she did it, but the thought of not doing anything when someone you know is in pain makes me mad. What she did makes me mad. But then again, I might really be just talking about my own case.

"Why did you even let it go that far? From the very beginning you could've stopped it. You could've just left it all alone, but you didn't, and the one time she actually needed you there, holding her hand, you were telling her that she was something disgusting, and she wasn't allowed to be herself, to be who she really was." I take deep breathes, seething angrily.

"Instead you just watched and did nothing, when you were supposed to be someone that loved her! You were supposed to protect her and care for her, even if she wasn't the person that fit your standards. Weren't you family?! Weren't you supposed to love each other, and look out for each other's back, instead of judging her like she's not worth it?!" I yell out, a stream of angry tears makes its way down my face.

"Wasn't she your sister?!" I cry out. "Aren't you supposed to protect your sister?!" I sob out quietly.

It's obvious at this point that I'm not even talking about her. Maybe I'm just jealous, jealous that even though they rejected Ashley at first, they're still part of her life now. Maybe I'm jealous that they actually cared enough to stick around on whether or not she was still standing, or that they actually shed tears for her.

Maybe I'm just jealous that she has a family.

My eyes finally meet hers, mine still slightly smoldering with misplaced anger, and strangely enough, disappointment for the girl in front of me. Her own eyes look vulnerable and much like that of an animal about to be slaughtered for a crime they know they committed. And all of a sudden, I'm transported back though time, to the many times that this has happened to me, only now we're on opposite sides of the spectrum.

"I- I…" She casts her eyes to the floor before shutting them tight, and releasing an encouraging sigh for herself. "I know that. Don't you think I know that?"

It's not snappy, not like you'd think it to be. Just a general question.

"I'm aware of what I did, and how much it hurt her, and you and I know that nothing I can do now will change that or bring that time back. But I've accepted that, and I know that nothing bill change by that happening, but I know enough that there's no point in regretting." She stares me back.

"Is that what you think I'm doing? You think that I'm regretting what happened? Well I don't cause you all did me a favour in the end, but it still doesn't change the fact that what you did, what you're doing, and maybe even what you're going to do, is wrong."

TBC

Yeah, I know it sucks, so sue me.

I'll update shortly, but for now...well, this is crappy pile of shit is all that's available. Actually, this was suppossed to be longer, but then it ended up being too long, so I split it into two different chapters, and the next pick up exactly where thi leaves off. Soooo, yeah. The next chapter about their past again, but it's actually useful and tells how they became the bitches they were in high school.

wait...what was the line I always used to say...

OH YEAH! So? How'd you like it, or hate it?


	21. Chapter 21

Yay! I'm not fourteen anymore!! hmm...I gotta update my profile...

Anyways, this is the new chapter, sorry it took so long, but i'm trying to get a few things in my life organized and I'm thinking of coming out...maybe....I'm not sure yet...

Chapter 21

*Spencer's P.O.V*

She sighs exasperatedly.

"Look, I get it. I'm the evil bitch out to ruin people's lives. I've screwed with people's minds and made them miserable, are you happy?"

I think about this for a second before I let out my response.

"No. No, I'm not happy at all. I need to know why you did it. All of it. Starting with me. Why Why the hell did you decide to make people's lives a living hell? I don't- I don't want another memory lane trip, I just want to know the truth. " I demand of her and the strength that was previously in her turned in a knowing guilt.

"It's not that easy. I can't just-"

"Why?" I raise my voice. "Why can't you?!"

She lets out another sigh.

"I'm not…I'm not making excuses and I obviously don't expect you to believe me, or even listen to me. I just…I just need you to know that what I'm gonna say is not a lie. It may not satisfy you, but this is really the only way that I can explain it" She takes a deep breath.

"We were never like that, you know? Back then, we were jut hanging out, just the three of us. We didn't care about anyone else and we were content with just living our lives and having fun. But things change, y'know? Even though we didn't want to change, everyone else started to. I guess we were just behind them on all of those things." She thinks for a few moments, her hands are clasped together with her thumbs twiddling idly.

"We tried not to, we tried to ignore the rest of the world and stay in our own. But we came to a point that we just couldn't anymore. There came a point when we had to confront it, and we ended up changing ourselves in the worst way possible. I won't tell you the story but simplify it, we ended up in a situation where we confronted a bunch of people who were just picking on a group of kids. It wasn't something new, and we saw that sort of thing nearly everyday, but we just couldn't take it anymore."

She sucks in her lips and mumbles to herself a little bit.

"There was this kid that they constantly kept picking on in that group. They kept calling this kid names, teasing him about growing up without parents and how no one wanted to take care of him. Nearly everyday that made this small kid cry and I guess it was just too much for him. A few months later, he was driven off the road in what people was a suicide. I don't know if it was actually a suicide, or if they tried to kill him and succeeded, but whatever it was, he ended up dead."

She grits her teeth down.

"No one said anything against the group of people because they didn't want to end up like Charlie. That- That was him name…But, it wasn't long before they picked a new target. I know all of this sounds surreal, and I'm guess it kinda is, but at the time, people just didn't have the heart to stand up to them, and no one even tried…I guess that reality in itself is a little surreal. So, they started picking on this new girl. She was our age, and a very fragile looking person, the type that's easy to break. I still remember her today…She had those large brown eyes and small frizzy curls around her face.

Truth be told, she looked like an animal that was about to be killed, even when they weren't around her. So…this group of people, though there weren't many of them, five or so, for some unknown reason, started making this small girl, this weak girl, this girl who looks so much like an animal, her life a living hell. Now, I'm not saying this to defend myself or anything, but the way they treated her was much worse then any treatment we ever gave anyone. It was borderline obsession what they did.

The entire school turned their back on it, except for one day, when she stopped coming to school and rumors started to flair. People wondered whether or not she was dead, or if she withdrew from the school or something like that. But the biggest rumor of all was the one saying that she was raped."

My eyes widen at a bit at this information, and I feel the bile rising and collecting in my stomach.

"And then everyone started talking about how the leader of their little group was a dyke."

I flinch at the word, but continue paying attention nonetheless.

"They said that she raped the girl, and that she hadn't come to school because she was too embarrassed, or too ashamed. We didn't know if any of it these were actually true, or if any of them had a shred of reference to them, so we tried not to bother with it."

The conversation is interrupted by the door opening abruptly revealing a nurse looking sheepishly, obviously aware that she interrupted a quite important conversation.

We clear our throats and let the nurse do his business of checking her systems, and checking off stuff in his little board.

"Anyways," she continues after he leaves the room, "Ashley had this small girl in one of her classes, and they sat right next to each other because their last names were next to each other, so the teacher thought that she should be the one to take her homework to her. That was the first evidence that anyone had that she was still in the school, or even alive for that matter. Well, it turns out that she didn't live too far from where Ashley lived, so we went with her to visit her house. She was rather well off, with a house as large as that, and we rang the doorbell"

She sighs, recalling the memory.

"We waited there for over twenty minutes, ringing the doorbell, every minute or so me and Aiden told her that she probably wasn't home, but Ashley wouldn't have it. I didn't know why she was so attached to this, and I put it off as curiosity. We stayed there for almost an hour before the door slowly opened. It was only parted partway from it's frame, and all we could see were a set of frightened orbs hiding behind a veil of mussy hair."

I imagine the frail girl, one who was tortured in a young age like me, one who was ignored and abandoned, like me, and one who went through the same horrific experience I had.

"She looked so scared when she opened the door, but when she saw us, at least some of the fear went away slightly, but she was still so tense, and her guard was never down. The funny thing was, I didn't even know her name. She always had nicknames or rude names that people called her by, just so that they wouldn't get caught by the group talking about her. So when Ashley said her name, I couldn't help but wonder who she was talking about. She had a beautiful name though, absolutely gorgeous name."

She smiles in soft admiration.

"Annaliese." She says softly. "It was a beautiful name, but like I said, I didn't know who the name belonged to until the small girl in front of me let out a small squeak that sounded like yes. I remember Ashley assuring her that we wouldn't hurt her, and that she was only there to make sure that she was alright. Of course, the girl was wary at first, but Ashley broke down her defenses and she finally let us in. She wasn't exactly hospitable, but that was to be expected. They got down to talking, first about how we were there to deliver her homework, then promptly explaining it to her. We didn't leave even though Ashley and her kept talking. She talked about how they should get together and be friends and how people at school missed the girl."

"She didn't really believe her, but it didn't really matter because the conversation soon strayed away to a different topic. I know that she wanted to leave, and cry when the subject of her own dementors came up, but Ashley was soft with the topic, always making sure to assure her that no one would hurt her."

"But, um…she started talking about heavier and heavier stuff, and the topic of the rumors came up. Eventually, Ashley full out asked her if they actually did to her what people said they did. And…she just started crying. She just broke down into Ashley's chest, sobbing and sobbing, and Ashley never said a word, and just held on to her tight, sometimes whispering phrases like 'it's okay' and 'no one can hurt you now'. Me and Aiden were just standing there and watching. We couldn't understand what was happening, but we had no choice but to just stand there and listen. For what seemed like hours, she kept sobbing out these words that we could just barely understand, telling us what they did to her. How they hurt her, and toyed with her, and how the leader of their group told her things, and…"

Wringing her hands, she waits.

"Anyways, we left the house after a while, and Ashley went home quickly without even saying another word. The next day, I'm guessing that Ashley had already made up her decision when we went to school that day. We all marched down those halls and knew exactly where to go, though me and Aiden didn't exactly know what to do."

"But, like I said, she had already made up her mind, and we both knew that there was no stopping her, and we didn't even try, and instead we just backed her up. Don't get me wrong, we were all mad, but what were we going to do? We didn't really want to get involved, but we couldn't go on and pretend that nothing was happening."

"And so, we went to the back of the school where the Smoker's Pit was, and where we knew they would be, and they were. They were just laughing and acting like they had no care in the world. It's fair to say that we were all pissed. But it was Ashley that took the lead when she went up to their leader, a preppy looking smoker, and took the stick right out of her mouth and broke it in half before stepping on it on the ground. I swear, that girl looked like she'd just been slapped in the face."

"She gritted her teeth down, and snapped, yelling curse words at Ashley, trying to figure out what her "problem" was. Ashley didn't say anything and instead actually slapped the girl's face."

"And you can guess it turned out into an all out brawl. We joined in of course, taking on the girl's friend's. I can't say that anyone won since we got interrupted before the fight was over. People had crowded around us after hearing about the commotion and managed to tear me and Aiden away from our preys, but they didn't even try to deal with Ashley. They were both on the floor, and Ashley was straddling the girl's waist, hitting her again and again."

"She started yelling out, asking for Ashley to stop, but she didn't and at first everyone was too shocked to do anything, but Ashley started screaming at her, telling her to admit the fact that she raped someone. And she wouldn't stop hitting, just pounding away. The girl started shrieking and screaming, saying that yes, she had done, maybe the truth or maybe just to stop the blows."

"But of course, that was enough to get the people going. After hearing that confession, people got to the point where they didn't really care if she died or not. Ashley obviously didn't at the time, continually screaming at her, saying that she was a disgrace, disgusting, and finally…a dyke."

"God, I remember her screaming it. 'You Goddamn dyke!" she said it, and that sent the girl's nose bleeding, but people still didn't stop her, and I know that I'm no exception, but then they started to do something that I'm sure you've experienced before. 'Dyke! Dyke! Dyke! Dyke!' Again and again, until they actually started screaming and chanting the words."

"The teachers finally came, and they managed to pull her off the beaten girl, but by the end of it, I'm not even sure if you could recognize the girl. Anyway, after they finally sent the girl to the hospital and got things in order, Ashley was obviously supposed to be expelled, and even charged, but instead, her father paid off the school, the papers, and the girl's family to keep quiet. And soon, the rumors started popping up until she was the next head of school."

"For some strange reason, she gained the reputation of the girl who ended up leaving the school. People started saying that she was the one who caused someone to kill himself. They said that she was the one who tortured all the kids and the younger people until they eventually moved or dropped out. Rumors of her using her daddy's money to keep people quiet came up too."

"She was a hero for fifteen minutes before everyone turned her into a tyrant. People made her someone that everyone feared because of their own imagination. But it wasn't just her, it was us too."

"People started talking, and they looked at us with cautious glances as we passed by the halls, and spoke to us with forced smiles. And that became our new world. The fake smiles, sneaky glances, envious voices. We were popular, and that's what popularity is."

"We didn't want to be there, we didn't care to be there, we didn't even technically know where there was. It was the pinnacle, and that's where we were, and God we hated it. It was annoying having people look at you like you're their ticket to the top. We didn't even know what was worse, knowing that people liked us because we were there, or knowing that people avoided us because we were there. They didn't even know us, but they apparently had grounds to like or hate us because we were popular. The funny thing is, people don't make themselves popular, other people do. They were so envious us, trying so hard to be like us, when they were the ones who turned us into this."

"We didn't want it, but ended up being stuck with it. We tried not to make a big deal about it, but it really did get annoying. The people we thought were our friends either scolded us or sucked up to us. Why? We didn't do anything, and being singled like that was not something that we wanted.'

"And we got more pissed…well, me and Aiden did. Ashley started tuning out, and didn't really care about anything after she sort of got over what she did to that girl. Me and Aiden started getting snappy at everyone that sent us these damn looks. How the hell could they judge us when they didn't even know us?!"

"As to the people that sucked up to us, we just couldn't shake them, and decided to stay indifferent. But that was only in the beginning. They became really good, you know? Really good at making us believe that they actually cared about what we had to say. Really good at making us do what they want. Really good at making us act a certain way, or feel about something a certain way."

"And somehow, just someone, we became the people that we had tried to abolish ourselves. We became the Goddamn bullied. But there's something you should know, and I've said it before, people aren't born bullies, nor do they just decide to be bullied. It's others that make them that way. It's not you, it's everyone else. It's not who you are, it's what they make of you. It's your words, or even your actions, it's their rumors."

"It's not you, it's them."

"And then you become something that you don't even recognize. You say words that aren't yours, and you do things that you didn't even realize you were capable or doing. It's almost as though you're looking into a mirror and seeing someone who looks exactly like you move in your body, and you just sit there, and watch them living your life. They're speaking your mouth, and moving your body."

"It's just feeling helpless and then eventually giving up. That's it, we just gave up. Screw trying to fight the flow, or going against what people expect you to do. Screw individuality and thought and personal actions. Screw ethics and what's right and what's wrong. Just screw it all. All of it."

"If they expect you to beat on that kid, why not? If they want you to be a bitch, well what's the problem. It's just that, there wasn't a point in trying to fight it. Why go against them and try and help a freshmen who'll just look at you terrified and run away? What's the point of being nice to someone who will call you fake and a bitch, anyways?"

"But it's not like I didn't so anything. I hated those stupid people who hated me because of who I am, someone that they didn't really know. I hated those that seemed to cower in fear, like they initially had something to be afraid of. How could they do that? That makes them even worse then me. It's them who was judging and turning me into someone that was gross and ugly."

"I hated them to the point that I actually did start torturing them just to give them something to actually be scared about. Eventually, I started to feel confident and started to feel as though I could. I could hurt them, and yell at them because they were below me. I knew that they were the ones acting like they were."

"I was only doing what people expected me to and I ended up hating myself more for it."

"It's not…It's not an excuse it's the truth, it's the side of the story that no one really knows or tries to figure out. I mean why should they, we're not the victims, and we're not the ones getting hurt. Or so they think. What do they care right? They're really the ones that aren't hurt. The ones that manipulate people. They praise the popular because they want to be there, when in reality they're trying to control us."

"But I won't lie. That day, even though I keep on talking about being someone you know isn't yourself, I know for a fact that I was myself that day. I was completely myself when I watched Aiden beat you to the ground and then wait to do the same. That was me. That was all me. But that was because you…that wasn't supposed to happen. None of it was supposed to happen. She was supposed to stay with us, y'know? Because she was different. She wasn't like us. Ashley was different. But…thank you. God, thank you so much. I wouldn't have woken up if it wasn't for that."

"If that hadn't happened, I would still be that person. I'd still be the person who listens to what the world wants, and watches as their life passes them by, who watches as someone else lives their life. But, I'm not that person anymore. I know that I haven't atoned or anything, but I have changed. When it happened, things changed. It was slow, but there was change, especially after what happened later in the year. But I'm not the person I was back then. And Ashley, she's different too, even though she was never like us."

"She didn't fall for it at all. She just seemed disappointed that we did. I think that she could have left. No, I know that that she could have left. I know that she could've just ditched us, and that she would've been just fine all alone, not living by someone else's rules, and doing exactly what she thinks is right, was right. But she didn't, and I know that it was because of us, that she did that. I know it was because she didn't want to hurt us, or betray us. I know that staying was her way of saying that we could still go back, of saying we're good the way we are. But we didn't so it. We didn't leave with her when we should've and I could only guess that she was hurt. It was her way of saying that we were still friends no matter what."

"And for some God unknown reason, we still are."

"But then again, maybe she did care…Maybe she did fall in just a little bit. Not to them, but to us. Maybe she didn't believe their words and fall for it, but she fell for our words because we were her family. Maybe she thought that we would hate her. Maybe she thought that we would disown her or hurt her. In a way we did, but that was never our intention, at least I don't think."

I stare at her and she looks like she's waiting for something, waiting for me to say something, waiting for me to do one thing.

"There is no miracle here." I tell her, and she nods in understandment. This isn't the same as stealing someone's girlfriend. It's the pain of dozens on your shoulder.

But you have to think. Think about her words. Think about her circumstances and the reality…Think about what you know, and what you don't. Think about what could be the truth, and what is probably a lie. Think about who they hurt, and who hurt them, about how they hurt each other. How we hurt each other.

Then just stop, stop thinking.

And I did, and I started laughing.

'So that's how it is? Is that what she thinks? Is that what happened?'

I don't know. And honestly, I don't care. But right now, she's the only person from that time who's ever told me what they actually really felt, even if it may be a lie.

Right now, she's the only one who's ever thought to tell me what could be the truth. I know if I can trust her or not, but the fact that she's told me something gives me a semblance of happiness. It's a small semblance, but it's there.

It won't change anything, though. No tears will be shed for her, because those tears have already dried up. The tears I had for her were shed when I cried out in the streets, thinking about them, while trying not to.

I look to her pitiful form, her face buried in her hands in shame. There really is nothing to forgive.

If I were to tell the truth, it'd be I don't care anymore. I really don't care anymore. Even if she had once spat on me, and called me unholy names, it's not happening anymore, and I don't care anymore if she's sorry, or if she regrets it, or if she secretly doesn't.

If I did, I would only be letting her control my life.

Not anymore. Never again.

"Don't say it. I don't need to hear it. It doesn't matter anymore."

She freezes at my words first, but eventually shakes her head.

"You may not need to hear it, but I want to say it." She says in defiance and she stares me straight in the eye. "I'm sorry." I flinch at the words, looking away from her serious and dry remorseful eyes. "Thank you for letting me say it." She says briefly after, and I nod weakly. It doesn't matter, because it doesn't really change anything, but it might save her, save her from living in regret. And that's something that I know is hell in itself.

'_Wake up. Wake up. Wake up._

_Please._

_Please wake up._'

I would still be here, in this life where it feels as though, I'll spend the rest of my nights alone.

"_Please open your eyes._

_I need you to open your eyes._'

I'll still go to work in the same crappy mood as usual. Stan will still annoy me, and bug the hell out of me, and I will still be revered as a frightening figure in the film industry.

'_God, please wake up._

_I wanna hear your voice._

_I wanna see your eyes. _

_Looking back into mine._'

I will still face each night, imagining what could've been. Still spend the rest of my life wondering why.

'_Wake up._

_Wake up and look at me._

_Wake up and see that I'm still here._

_Wake up, please wake up._

_Because without you_'

No one will change, that I won't change. That nothing will.

'_Because I'm scared_.'

That she could be the person to change me.

'_I need you to change me to something better, because I can promise that I could do the same to you._'

I could change you. I promise I can make you smile without making you feel guilty. I can make you laugh that will sent you to tears of happiness instead of shame. I can be with you, and that's all I can do, but that's all I need to.

I would hold you and never let you go, and I'd kiss away your tears, as you brush mine with your hand.

'_I could change you._

_Just open your eyes._

_And I will change you._'

And I will let the world fall to pieces and let it shatter until the shards are nothing but sand under us.

I will let each person in the world crumble with it, but I'll keep it from you. Even if the world ends, and we are dragged down to the pits of hell, I will grab your hand and crawl with you in tow.

'_I will change you. _

_I will turn you into someone whose guilt disappears with the blowing wind._

_I_-'

BEEP

My head focuses up to look at the movement made in the corner of my eye. I see Madison mumbling into her cell ,rubbing her tired temples.

"Yeah, okay, sure. I'll be right there."

She closes her cell ,and looks to me tiredly, yet somewhat lighter then when she came in.

"Aiden called. He needs me to give Channel Five News, the coverage. I'm gonna go, but he's gonna drop by just to check on her."

I nod blankly as she turns to pick up her small belongings to leave.

Aiden…

TBC

Yeah....i know it sucks, don't remind me

Nonetheless, how'd you like it, or hate it?


End file.
